Windfall Sucks Wind

This show seriously sucks, but so does the summer lineup and I am in too deep to stop now. TWOP decided to stop recapping precisely because this show sucks so bad. Maybe there are a couple of disappointed people out there, so I’m going to give it a shot here. Let’s get started.

Previously: Cameron tries to start an affair with Nina; Peter goes on a “fishing trip” to Baja; Cameron takes a junkie’s baby home for no good reason; Frankie finds out her mother is trying to move her to NYC, so Damien surprises her; they make out but when Frankie can’t get it done, Damien goes home to fuck his Russian bride; Sean and Tally find out that Jeremy doesn’t have Zoe after all; Frankie’s dad shoots someone who lets herself into the house with the key on the porch; we’re supposed to think it’s Frankie.

Turns out this show is sneakier than I gave it credit for. It wasn’t Frankie after all. We know this because Frankie’s cab pulls up to her dad’s house after the shooting; the whole place is busy with ambulances and emergency personnel. Sunny is being brought out of the house on a gurney. Dad starts telling Frankie how to find his lawyer’s number. He’s such a role model. Frankie is introduced to Kim and observes her shirt is on inside out and she isn’t wearing shoes. Frankie quickly deduces Dad and Kim are knocking da boots.

Credits.

Sean and Tally return home to Zoe’s place. It’s been torn apart by the police. Sean asks if Tally will be staying in town and offers his place. Oh my God. He’s so over Zoe and wants to get in Tally’s pants now. This is blatantly obvious when Tally tells Sean, “Just find her,” and he whines that he already tried.

Nina and Peter are having Dave the Sleazy Lawyer and his wife over for lunch or dinner or something. Dave’s wife tells Nina the “grouper is amazing.” (Amazing? Grouper sounds like a nasty fish to me.) Nina says that Peter caught it in Mexico and asks if Sleazy Lawyer Wife has ever gone on one of the fishing trips. She relies that she hasn’t because they stay at this crappy hotel with no phones and no TV. Nina’s like, “No phones? We talked every day.” Oh, Dave is so BUSTED, and Peter covers for him by urging Nina to remember how they talked on his CELL phone. Dave says his phone didn’t work because he has a different carrier. Wife looks upset.

Nina and Peter are cleaning up in the kitchen while she grills him about Dave’s activities down in Mexico. Peter finally admits the girl was a “professional” and promises he didn’t do anything wrong. Nina wants Peter to drop Dave like a bad habit but he says he needs him because Dave’s connected to the right investors for the bicycle business. Oh, I’m sorry, I missed the rest of this scene because I fell asleep. Dude, this show. Is boring. And yet, I can’t stop.

Frankie and Damien are walking through a park and talking about her father’s new girlfriend Kim. Frankie is tired and wants to go to Damien’s hotel room and “just…sleep.” Poor dumb Frankie. Damien is done with her now that he banged the Russian underwear model. She totally doesn’t pick up on this, though, and Damien makes up a really bad excuse for why she can’t come over. “I made plans…you know…to do guy stuff today.” I really keep trying to think Frankie is cute. It’s not working out very well.

Cut to Damien finishing up with Galina, who still has her bra on because this is network TV. Damien actually asks her how many other guys she’s been with and she lobs it right back at him: “Do you want to say how many girls you’ve been with?” and he’s properly embarrassed. He observes that she watches a lot of TV and she explains that it’s because she is learning English. “Not counting Japanese, five?” she says.

Sean is at a private investigator’s office trying to talk him into looking for Zoe. The PI explains that he doesn’t work for free. He charges 60 bucks an hour for any computer time. Hey, that’s a pretty good fee for Googling people. Because you know that’s what he’s doing. There’s this ridiculous exchange about how Sean is good for the money, and he asks the guy, “Are you gonna help me or not?” If someone wasn’t going to pay ME for my time, the answer would be no. But this is Windfall world, where nothing makes sense, so the guy agrees. Because he too is worried about Zoe. At this point I’m wondering if Sean is actually panicked about the 19 million dollars he’s lost, or if he just wants to impress Tally. How will that work out if he manages to find Zoe and he has to choose?

It’s time for a heart-warming Cameron and Beth scene with their adopted crack baby. Cameron is changing the wriggling child and Beth asks him to look at some new home listings their realtor just sent via email. Cam is all wishy-washy about getting it done, and now he’s asking her to remind him why they want to move. Beth explains “we won the lottery, Cameron, and we’re still renting,” which is clearly unacceptable. Besides, she doesn’t want to move while she’s pregnant. It’s just too stressful. Oh yeah, and having a baby with that moron won’t be stressful?

The doorbell rings and Beth opens the door to find Elisa (Crack Baby Momma) standing there. She didn’t like rehab so she quit. Beth asks what happened and Elisa explains that her boyfriend came to visit and she “used.” Hmmm. So people visiting rehab can just walk in with a couple of joints or some coke and share with their loved ones? Beth says helpfully, “You’ve got to get away from him,” and Elisa fixes her with this awesome withering look and says, “You think?” It’s so funny. Anyway, on with her story… Because her sister is coming down to help, the social worker has agreed to give her son back to her. What? The doorbell rings again and Elisa explains that it’s probably the social worker, corroborating her story. It seems to me like there are so many holes here in this plotline that…oh never mind. I should mention here, however, that despite the baby being on crack, he’s pretty cute and totally reminds me of El Dilector in his baby pics.

Nina plays with her kids’ toys on the great big lobby of the mansion until the phone rings and it’s the hospital on the other end. Turns out Sunny has given Peter’s name as her emergency contact. Ha! That Sunny and her antics. Nina goes to the hospital to help Sunny, who, predictably, is being an insufferable bitch to the nurse. She insists on going home due to the horrific care she’s getting. She tells the nurse to tell Nina how she can’t find a vein with a shovel, which cracked me up because I’ve totally had that experience.

Galina drinks a martini in the hotel bar and watches soccer. Some guy sidles up to the stool next to her and starts asking stupid questions like, “Business or pleasure?” He’s kind of making it sound like he thinks she’s a whore, which I get, but I wonder if Galina, with her limited understanding of English and its nuances, would get. But she does, and she freaks out just as Damien comes up and tells the guy to leave his wife alone. She calls the guy “dirty man,” which I love. The guy leaves and Damien asks Galina if she’s okay as they walk through the hotel lobby. Galina starts to whine about how it’s not just him, but that people see her with no family, no job and no man and assume she’s a prostitute. It happens all the time and she is sad. Poor beautiful Galina. I just cannot feel sorry for her. Damien decides that if he gives her a honkin’ diamond, that will help. Riiiiiiight. Because men always look at your left hand and check for a ring before hitting on you or thinking you’re available. So Damien buys a diamond from the hotel jewelry store. Wow, this hotel has everything!

Next up, Frankie and her mom, Addie. Addie is pissed because Frankie’s dad left her with that woman Kim. Addie’s not pissed Frankie just took off in the middle of the night, got on a plane and came home? Wasn’t she completely freaked out when she returned home to the NYC loft to find her daughter gone? Oh, that’s right. Addie is a really shitty Mom so she doesn’t care. We find out that she does care enough to tell Frankie they are definitely moving to NYC now, because bad things happen to lottery winners. Yeah, and because bitch dropped a GRIP on that loft and it would be stupid not to live there. Frankie says that her dad will never agree to let her go (p.s. Dad is not in trouble because the police aren’t pressing charges. Isn’t that usually up to the victim? I digress.) but Addie informs her solemnly, “He already has.”

The PI dude walks up to Sean, who is busy—what is he doing? Sanding a drainpipe?—and says something about how it’s his home address so why is he working? Sean explains that he’s just doing stuff around there until the rent is paid off. Or something. Did he quit his job at the flower shop? Maybe he should go back, because he really needs the money. Speaking of which, the PI says he needs $3000 to go to Sante Fe and check out a lead. He says that someone used one of Zoe’s credit cards there three days ago. Sean exposits that Zoe’s been missing three and a half weeks. She’s so dead. Anyway, I think that sounds like a lot of money just to go to Santa Fe. I bet he’s staying at Ten Thousand Waves. Sean promises to him the money and orders him to make his travel arrangements. The PI says he doesn’t want Sean to sell his blood for a wild goose chase. Oh, drop the act, buddy. You don’t give a shit how you get your money. If I were you, I’d be worried about getting it at all.

Back in the hospital, Nina finds out that there is no one at home to take care of Sunny. Sunny just looks pathetic. Yeah, you guessed it—in the next scene Sunny is being tucked into one of the girls’ twin beds. They have like 18 bedrooms in the new mansion but no new furniture. Because, yeah, duh, like TWOP pointed out, these people really only have about ten million after taxes and this house must have cost about five. They’re probably already running short on cash. Peter comes in and snarks about how Nina and Sunny must have “patched things up.”

Back to the House of Hate as Cameron is packing up the baby’s stuff. Beth says, “We did a good thing, Cameron” and he gets all pissy about mourning the loss of the child because Beth is ready to make a new one. They have 12-24 hours. Wouldn’t you know it, Beth has been keeping an Ovulation Calendar. Cameron looks like he wants to throw up.

Frankie and her dad are walking down the street and talking about how he can’t win a custody battle because of the shooting. So he has no choice but to let Frankie go. Whatever! He’s such a dweeb. Poor Frankie. Her mother is totally absent, her dad is an idiot, and her pseudo-boyfriend is fucking his Russian wife. Her life sucks.

Tally comes to Sean’s door with a ridiculous wool cap on. Everyone is dressed like it’s freezing all of a sudden. What freaking month is it? I don’t remember it being the dead of winter last episode. Sean explains that the PI found a credit card and Tally says that she cancelled all Zoe’s cards immediately, so it couldn’t be true. Haha, joke’s on Sean! He angrily grabs his jacket and takes off to kick the dude’s ass. Because that method of solving his problems has worked out so well for him.

So Sean goes down to PI’s office and starts yelling at him about how he lied and sold his soul and the PI says there were no leads and that Zoe is probably dead. Sean is really fucking pathetic at this point, but manages to sink even lower by putting his fist through some glass. Nice work, dumbass.

Damien and Galina get off the elevator talking about dinner. Galina is too excited to eat. Yeah right. I’m guessing it has nothing to do with the excitement of the ring; from the looks of her, the girl doesn’t consume anything chilled vodka. So then Kimberly’s there (apparently they DO live in the same hotel) and they have an awkward exchange about Galina’s new ring. After Kimberly goes, Damien explains the purpose of the ring is for the men. Ring on means she’s not available. Ring off means she is. So she of course asks which he’d prefer and he can’t really say, and Galina’s feelings are hurt yet again, and blah, she’s actually a prostitute. Snooooze. Wha? Huh?

Dave the Sleazy Lawyer finds Peter cleaning his pool. “I love that you keep the pool open all year,” Dave says. The thing is, the pool looks like…I don’t know, I guess it’s one of those natural pools, with salt water, or whatever…but I would NOT swim in that thing. Dave says that two of the five investors are in, but that Peter should throw a swanky party for them to make sure. He also brings cigars because they “travel easier” than champagne. WTF? Seriously, like champagne blows up or loses its fizz on the walk down to the neighbor’s house? Peter yells for Nina to come outside, and she does. And then her pager goes off, because she’s set this thing up with Sunny. Who has a pager these days? Are we really supposed to believe Nina went out and bought a pager for her invalid houseguest to use for a week? What happens when she goes home? Nina hears Dave making this deal with Peter and calls him over for this totally obvious discussion. Basically, Nina still hates Dave and wants Cameron to be a part of the bike deal because she thinks that will ground Peter or something.

Frankie finds her mom at the golf course. Why doesn’t Frankie ever go to school anymore? And does she have a car? How does she get around? Frankie tells her mom that her dad doesn’t care about the money. And then Addie delivers the clincher: dad only wanted $200,000 to let Frankie go. Ha! Oh shit, did I laugh out loud? Frankie is taking a real beating this episode.

Beth and Cameron are having a clandestine meeting in a park. She wants Cameron to invest in the bicycle business because Peter’s “out of his depth” and he “could lose everything.” Yeah, and Cameron is really going to help THAT situation. Cameron wonders how she could ask him to do this knowing it will bring him even closer to her life. He says he’s putting things on hold waiting for her. She says she hopes her marriage doesn’t fail and tells him not to wait for her. Yes, it’s all as confusing as it sounds. The conversations with these two always are.

Back at the mansion, the girls are putting makeup all over a sleeping Sunny. Peter and Nina talk at the top of the stairs about the caterers and Peter looks awfully casually dressed. Nina finds the children and sends them away. She picks up the phone because she’s worried Sunny has overdosed. As the party goes on down in the backyard, (There’s no room in this gigantic house? Plus isn’t it damn cold outside?) Nina is advised by someone on the other end of the phone line that Sunny can’t OD with the automatic dispenser. She should let her sleep. Duh. Nina says “okay” in a dubious tone and then tries to wake her up and talk to her. What part of “let her sleep” did she misunderstand?

Damien knocks at Galina’s door. She’s reading something. I wonder if it’s in Russian. He asks if she meant it before about seeing other guys. She says she was. Damien wants to know why she would want to be with him, seeing as how he’s younger than she is (he’s 17 and she’s 25) and she answers that he is nicer to her than any man, ever. Just then Frankie calls, and she’s downstairs and wants to come up and talk. Damien says he’ll be right down.

Back at the lame party, Cameron and Beth arrive. Cameron and Nina exchange meaningful looks. Cameron goes to talk to Peter and asks if the “door is still open” for the bike business. Peter says “the door is always open” and blathers some crap about how he’s been looking out for him since he was fourteen. Oh, Peter. So many things you don’t know. Now I remember that he figured out the lottery numbers were Cameron’s birth date. Did that actually happen yet? Maybe he does know.

In the hotel lobby with Damien, Frankie says that her mom bought her dad off and she hates them both. She wants to run away. She says they have money, why not go? Correction, Frankie—Damien has money, and your mom and dad have money, but you…you do not have any money. Damien tries to calm her down and tell her she can’t do it. And she’s STILL not getting it and then he drops the bomb: “I’m not the answer here.” He says that Frankie needs to find someone else, someone more her own age. He TOTALLY dumps her, right there in the lobby of the hotel, after she tells him that her parents suck and she’s kind of alone in the world. What a dick.

Waking from her morphine-induced slumber, Sunny goes in search of water, taking her IV drip with her. She goes outside to the backyard party and gets into the pool. I know she’s on morphine, but really? Wouldn’t she find a bathroom tap? Nina takes her back upstairs and Sunny says, “I’m a freak show, right?” Yes, Sunny. Nina tells her she’s a survivor. Whatever. Shut up. Sunny calls her amazing. And then she points out that she has two guys that love her: Peter and Cameron. Nina avoids this comment and leaves to get Sunny another blanket. She runs into Dave in the hall. He claims he was looking for a bathroom. Nina points out he’s going the wrong way, and that there are three more downstairs.

Cameron and Beth are looking at houses on the Internet. Beth mentions that she wants one that’s good for kids, and then, with derision, “One like Peter and Nina had, before they bought that gigantic mansion.” She sneers with self-righteousness. Why don’t they just move into Peter and Nina’s old house? I’m sure it’s just standing empty. I don’t remember them selling it. Cameron freaks out, per usual, and says he can’t “do this,” meaning he can’t have a child. Beth starts saying that she’ll try to get to the “right place” in order to have kids. And then she makes this weird speech about making a choice based on love and how she’ll never regret marrying him. It’s really pretty sad. It’s like she’s saying, “I know you don’t really love me but I love you enough for both of us so let’s have a kid.” And they go do it.

Tally shows up again at Sean’s looking freaked out and without that stupid hat. Sean promises they’ll get a new PI because the other one sucked. Tally says, “Zoe’s dead.” The police called her and said that some Russian confessed to killing Zoe. Tally sort of chokes up but she still has way too much eye makeup to have been crying very much. Seriously, if I had just been informed my sister was dead, I think I might call my mom and sob into the phone and then stay in bed for about a day. Not go rushing off to the house of some guy my sister barely knew looking for sympathy. Weird.

At the hotel, the police bust into Damien’s suite and arrest Galina. She totally doesn’t look surprised, just guilty. She’s being arrested in connection with Zoe’s death. Awesome. Damien asks if they need a lawyer. Hey, Damien? I should think yes.

Next week: the biggest secrets yet are coming out. Sean just looks confused, again. Damien realizes Galina has been ripping him off. And Cameron confesses he slept with someone and Beth looks tortured.

-Shakira 07.11.06.