What Was I Thinking?

Sweet Thang and I begin our night at the Barton Springs Saloon drinking vodka. (This is important because later on I wonder how I get so tanked. Oh yeah--hello Tito's!) Some guy sitting down the bar buys us a round of drinks and then hands Sweet Thang a five dollar bill and tells us to put on some music. Wow, big spender! Sweet Thang should totally hook up with him. We run over to the jukebox to play the tunes.

“I hope they’re not putting roofies in our drinks right now,” Sweet Thang says.

Later Hipsterette joins us and tells us a really disgusting dating story about her friend. And speaking of disgusting, we’ve just noticed that the two old WT couples across the room are totally making out. It’s creepy and gross. They are really going at it! I get up to go to the bathroom, and hear one of the makeout ladies come in after me.

“Whooo!” she yells as she opens the door. Who is she talking to? She goes into an empty stall and says, “Wow.” Perhaps even she is impressed with her makeout power.

Sweet Thang and Hipsterette are going to a theme party at RockStar’s house. Unfortunately, it’s a Little Man party, based on the stellar cinematic triumph of the same name. I’m comfortably buzzed and really should grab a cab back to my front porch for a nightcap. Plus, I really don’t want to see that nightmare of a movie. Peer pressure wins, though, and I decide to go to the party.

And we’ve arrived just in time for the movie to begin. Oh joy. I decide to stay on the porch for the next two hours. First, however, Sweet Thang pours about three-fourths of a bottle of white wine into a glass for me. Aw yeah.

I manage to stay outside until the movie is over. (I’m pretty sure I talked endlessly that whole time to several complete strangers. Some guy doesn’t believe that I’m drunk. Ha! He’s so wrong…I am drunk enough to talk to myself in the mirror in the bathroom. “Damn, your hair looks awesome!” I tell my reflection.)

Inside, one of the guys has lost a bet or something. Oh God he’s eating a rotten Twinkie! I had no idea those things went bad. Aren’t they preserved until the end of time? For my next party trick, I will attempt to teach RockStar how to salsa. It turns out he’s pretty hopeless and the lesson ends abruptly. So we move on to Tai Kwon-Do. I wonder if it’s dangerous to practice Tae Kwon-Do under the influence. I’m guessing it is.

Hey, is that Antonio Banderas? “Hey are you Antonio Banderas?” I ask him. “Where’s Melanie?”

Where’s Sweet Thang? Maybe she should hook up with this guy.

Hmm. Maybe it’s time to go.

-Shakira 12.04.06