Dark Side of Drunk: Jimmy's Irish Lair, Part 1007

Dark Side of Drunk: How Did I Get Here Again?

Rant: Mean Girls in the Bathroom
Like, hello, Buzzkill? Go away.

Mean girls in the bathroom piss me off. There I am, looking all gorgeous and sassy, while some beeyotch stares at me with hate in her eyes. What the hell? I mean, I know my gorgeous and sassiness can spur some jealousy, but I don't need it. I'm really sorry if your strappy sandals are broken or your stupid boyfriend is being an ass. You will not get any sympathy from me if you're looking at me like something you found on the bottom of said strappy sandal while I try to apply new lipstick with a tipsy hand.

And you know what's weird? The girls are nice before 11 p.m. Then suddenly there's this huge cosmos shift and they turn mean. They're all chatty and telling each other, "You're beautiful!" and "Where did you get that shirt?" if it's still happy hour. Maybe 7 p.m. - 11 p.m. should be Now-I'm-Getting-Drunk-And-Pissy-And-Dammit-Where's-My-Lipstick-Was-That-You-Checking-Out-My-Boyfriend-You-Stupid-Pretty-Girl Hour. To which I'd like to respond: Mean girl. Shut up.

Dark Side of Drunk: Jimmy's Irish Lair, Part 1007

Twelve hours of drinking will make your recall fuzzy. Thank God I carry a pen with me at all times. With a combination of cocktail napkins and credit card receipts, I can reconstruct almost any evening. This one's sketchy, but here's what I've got:

"Is he fanning a fart or is he slapping your ass?" Diva asks.

"Huh?" I look up at Big Guy, who is indeed making a motion with his hand that could go either way. I shrug. Time for another drink. more>>

Dark Side of Drunk: How Did I Get Here Again?

"Why do you drive the Crown Victoria again?" I ask Officer Cheapskate, who pretended that he needed to talk to me. We're standing in the alleyway behind the store. He really just wanted to take a smoke break and made me come along.

"Got a sweet deal on it," he winks at me as he takes a drag. "Thirty-seven hundred."

Wow, correctional officers get great deals on the cars they used to drive on the job. Sweet is right. Not. I give him a withering glance. So what you're telling me is that you used to be a cop, you're cheap, AND you drive a stupid car? I'm reviewing in my head just how lame this is when I realize he's still yapping about the "Crown Vic."

"…still have the spotlight and everything. Pretty cool, dude. Have I told you that I never pay for coffee? Check this out," OC pulls out his wallet and several business cards spill out. Apparently OC has friends in low--er, high--places. I can hear my mom in my head: I HATE it when people brag about getting things for free. It's just so…cheap. I stare at him in bewilderment as he takes another drag of the cigarette and moves onto the free haircut he just "scored." Yeah. I wouldn't pay for a haircut like that either, buddy. more>>

Lists: Six Weird Things About Oregon

1. All the people at the rental car counters in Portland sound Russian. Did I miss something about the large Russian population in Oregon?

2. There's a big sign on Interstate 5 that informs you you've just crossed the 45th parallel: halfway between the equator and the North Pole. Okay.

3. There is a XXX store on Interstate 5 with a sign that says: "ADA Accessible." more>>

Observations: The Weirdest Thing I Saw in the Gym Last Week

A magazine about dollhouse miniatures. This periodical actually exists. Not only was it a magazine about dollhouses, and the art to collecting them and all the miniature items that go along with them…but it was from 1997. I suppose either they stopped publishing this piece of amazing journalism, or maybe it only comes out once a decade? Look for the next issue in 2007.

Observations: Gigi and Shakira Pontificate on Life

Shakira: Dude, what if we had never gotten rid of Nurse Egon and Vile Niles?
Gigi: There sure wouldn't be any Gorgeous and Sassy.
Shakira: Yeah, more like Bitter and Bored.

Observations: Flying is Not Only Weird, but Sometimes Scary

So I'm sitting in the front row of this tiny plane, and I can hear the flight attendants discussing whether or not they can let some standbys on the plane. (Why so many pilots are deadheading to Appleton, Wisconsin is beyond me.) But the problem with the standbys? Weight limit. Ohhhh yeah, you heard right. We're talking about whether or not the plane is too heavy to get off the ground. more>>

-Shakira 11.20.03