Dark Side of Drunk: PermaGrin, Big Guy and Shakira Seek Trouble in Lubbock

"Time to pick designated driver!" Big Guy says, as we sit down with our cocktails. "Rock paper scissors!" It's his favorite way to make decisions.

The first couple of times PermaGrin and I win, and then as we pull out rock and scissors, Big Guy gives us a thumbs-up.

"What the hell is that?" I ask.

"It's the bomb!" he cries. "I win! Bomb takes all!"

"Cheater!" I accuse him and decide to take designated driver duty.

Some guy walks by and hurls an insult at Big Guy, who throws one back. Of course they know each other! That's the way men say hello. Women do it too, but we say it to our friends instead of the girl in question. Example: "Does she KNOW how that skirt makes her bulge? Oh, HI!"

It turns out this boy (we'll call him Shipper!) works in the shipping department of Big Guy's office, and Big Guy makes his life hell on a daily basis. So Big Guy decides to buy him a beer. more>>

Dark Side of Drunk: We're Not in Kansas Anymore
The skinny: Corporate Training in Kansas City. Well, to be truthful, it's Overland Park, but close enough. Below, an account of how close you can get to people you hardly know after a couple of cocktails. Truly, the Dark Side of Drunk.

"The Bomb is too cool for us!" I say Wednesday afternoon. The rest of us are going to lunch, but The Bomb keeps dissing us. (They've settled into the habit of saying, "Shakira? Where are we going today?" since I've established myself as the Meal Planner. Hey, I plan what I'm eating for lunch about nine minutes after I eat breakfast.)

"Too cool for you…oh yeah, that's right, Missy, we're going for drinks tonight!" he says.

"Oh, are we?" I challenge, hands on hips. And then, because I really want a drink: "Name the place." And it's done.

The beginning of Happy Hour is tame enough. I plan to be home by 9 after running a couple of errands. As I get up to leave though, they beg me to stay. They look so pleading and I'm such a sucker for (1) beer, (2) peer pressure and (3) people who think I'm fabulous (not necessarily in that order) that I run my errands and come back. Just a few minutes. I won't be far behind, right?

Wrong. As I come back to the bar and sit down, they are in full discussion of ball shaving. Yes, you heard right: Lizzie mentioned she once shaved a man's balls, and the guys are all over that tip. I order a new beer and give my opinion. more>>

Overheard: Madame V Turns 30 in Austin
Quotable quotes from this event below. Recall was much too fuzzy and in some cases much too embarrassing to reveal more. However, girls at the party will recall that one girl in particular (we'll call her Cycle Girl) seemed rather horrified at the information we shared. Can we say TMI?

"Every morning I wake up and lift a mound of boobs off of me. Now that's some BOOBS!"

"She gets the business."

"Did you pee on yourself?"

"Hey, is that some guy's ass in the window?"

"Did you say the vacuum cleaner attacked you? How did we get on this subject?"

"Are you listening to me? Me! Me! It's my birthday!"

"Why did we leave Opal Divine's again?" "Because we had been there for six hours straight."

Observations
Good Hair Days
Don't you hate it when your hair decides to look fabulous on a Saturday night—and you're staying in?

TiVO
TiVO: Not for the technically challenged. TiVO will test your love for TV. Do you need it that bad? Big Guy and I spent so much time this past weekend setting up the very device that was supposed to record the shows we didn't want to miss...that we missed three shows we planned to watch.

Drunk Term of the Week: Hosed. See if you can get hosed this weekend or find someone who is!

-Shakira 08.05.03