Lubbock or Leave It

You know what I'm tired of hearing? People's negative attitudes. In the past month, I've probably met close to 50 people, between Big Guy's family and friends, people at work and the random guy behind the counter at the post office. And about half of them look at me and say, "Austin to Lubbock? Wow, that's backwards, you know. Most people are trying to get out of Lubbock. How are you handling the transition?" They go on to explain to me (as if I didn't already know) how cool Austin is and how much Lubbock sucks. Most of these people were born and raised in Lubbock. I smile brightly and say, "It's not so bad!" while thinking, "If you hate this city so much, why don't YOU leave?" Seriously. I can't stand it when people complain about a situation but do nothing to fix it. (I'm looking at you, Gloomy Dark Cloud Guys.) more>>

O2's Opinions

Speaking of opinions, the latest information from our favorite eyebrow gal O2. Please enjoy the following tidbits, as I have been forced to fire O2 and replace her with a kinder, gentler eyebrow girl (El Paso) who called my brows "awesome." I believe El Paso considers brows an art form. Anyway, I felt my self-esteem just couldn't handle the damage O2 was inflicting.

O2: Oh, bless your heart, you DID need a wax again, didn't you?
Shakira: (Thinking - Did they look THAT bad?)
******
O2: So you'll be traveling with your job?
Shakira: Yes, I'll be doing training and sometimes I'll be gone a week or so. So I'll probably be in right before a long trip.
O2: That's right! You wouldn't want to be training looking like a bush woman!
******
O2: I didn't realize you were so…freckled when you were in here before.
Shakira: Yep! I don't have makeup on today so they look darker.
O2: What kind do you use? You get fabulous coverage.
Shakira: (Shrugs) I don't know…whatever I find in the store.
O2: Oh, I can't do that—I'm terribly allergic to makeup. You think having freckles is bad—try having a big ol' rash on your face!
Shakira: (Defensive) My boyfriend loves my freckles. (Thinking - See you later, bitch.)

I've Graduated!

I think I finally have a bona fide stalker! Check out the note I received on my car two weeks ago:

"Hello there! You're probably wondering who wrote this little note. On top of that, you're probably wondering why you? Well, I must say that I have been waiting for an opportunity to bump into you just to say hello. Unfortunetly, [sic] it seems were on different schedules and that opportunity has not occurred "YET." I would love to have the pleasure of introducing myself to you, but because of our different schedules, it seems unlikely. I hope I do not scare you off. I just want to meet you sometime and maybe I can take you out to lunch. Anyway, if you're interested, please email me at bcbsman@lycos.com. Hope to here [sic] from you soon.

Sincerely,

A Gentleman."

Hope you don't scare me off?!! Gee, let's see. You know what kind of car I drive. You know when I exit and enter the building. You didn't give me your name. Nope, not scary at all! Any speculations on the meaning of his email address? BCBS-man? I think I know what the BS stands for. I don't know if this fits Diva's definition of stalking. I haven't heard from him since this note.

P.S. Fix your spelling! This G&S girl abhors spelling errors in a love note.

The Dark Side of Drunk Lubbock-Style: The Conductor and Some Boring Girls

The night begins—as all nights should—with cocktails and beer by the pool. Contrary brings along a trashy magazine so that we can properly discuss The Rich and Famous. We dissect Ashton and Demi, decide that Ashton did Brittany Murphy wrong, talk about Beyonce's abs and fake hair, briefly touch on the fact that there is a Playboy bunny somewhere on the girl on each cover, and move on to Kelly Osbourne and how her label dropped her because she sucks. Then Big Guy mentions how Ozzy and his son are having a contest to see how long they can each stay sober.

"Ozzy is soooo old and so messed up," I opine, positioning myself in the deck chair for maximum late-afternoon sun exposure.

"His next album: Ozz-heimer's!" Big Guy declares triumphantly. more>>

Drunk Term of the Week: Shit-housed. Can you use it in a sentence? Man, I was so shit-housed last night I couldn't find my apartment.

Shakira 07.01.03