Tsunami Relief

The fun begins in the car as Gigi mentions that she has recently been receiving e-mails of people's ultrasound pictures. What is this new fad? "Usually I can't make out anything. It's totally murky and I'm all, 'Errr...great looking kid!' But this last one actually had an arrow pointing out the "boy parts." I felt creepy, like I was invading the baby's privacy. Dude, I don't want to see your little fetus penis!"

"Ew!!! What are people thinking?" Shakira wonders.

"Hmm...that would be a great band name!" LP chimes in.

With that, LP, Shakira and Gigi begin discussing the birth of their new band, Fetus Penis. It is decided that each band member will take on both a bad English accent and an English name. Shakira chooses the name Penelope and will play the organ; LP becomes Nigel and will play the accordion. Shakira suggests the name Audrey for Gigi. LP thinks that she will rock on the tambourine. The name of their first album? “It’s a Boy!” with a sonogram photo and an arrow. The premise of Fetus Penis is to always insult the audience and play really bad music.

They get to the Austin Music Hall and notice a line that goes for what seems like 10 blocks. Yikes! They find out that this is the line for people with tickets, and that the doors have just opened, but the line is moving slooooooowly.

"Hmmm...we could wait in a really long line to get into a show with general
admission and no seats..." Gigi muses.

"Or we could go have a drink and come back when the line has moved inside!" Shakira finishes the thought. The Gorgeous and Sassy girls would never wait on line when they could be sipping a cocktail. They drag LP to the roof bar at the Fox and Hound where they continue discussion of Fetus Penis over vodka tonics.
"I want to wear a mini skirt and go-go boots!" Gigi says in her bad fake English accent.

“Fuck you, Austin! We’re Fetus Penis!” LP yells while the bartender looks on with amusement.

They finish their drinks and head to the show. Ah, the line has miraculously disappeared.

The first acts to perform are Kelly Willis and Patty Griffin. These artists will always be special to Gigi, as she has cried at one of each of their shows.

"Different years and different shows, but both times I was stuck in the bathroom at a concert trying to fix my ruined eye makeup. Luckily that is always a good girl-bonding opportunity." Gigi is happy to report that there were no tears at this event.

The announcer lets everyone know that in addition to the ticket sale money, the bartenders will be donating their tips to the cause as well. Gigi and Shakira are thrilled that their drinking is finally doing some good in the world as they generously put cash in the tip jar.

It seems that all of Austin has shown up for this event. No surprise there, Austin is a city of big hearts. But it's not such a big city... Shakira and Gigi scan the crowd for x-boys. They start to feel some trepidation in the air.

Aw crap. It’s Vicodin Boy, so named for his offer of Vicodin on Shakira’s one date with him. (“Can I get you anything? Water, coke, Vicodin, ride home?” Shakira opted for the ride home.) Vicodin Boy offers to share his concert viewing space with Fetus Penis, and the crew follows him through the crowd.

Shakira is stuck on the porch later with Vicodin Boy, who asks her out again with real finesse: “We should, ah, grab some dinner again, ah, sometime.” What a great offer! And oh yes, Vicodin Boy, Shakira has been waiting around for you since the first and last date six months ago. Shakira tells him that she’s otherwise engaged and he gets flustered.

“Lunch, then…” he amends. Brilliant. Since Shakira has a boyfriend, she’s been downgraded to lunch. Because that makes sense. It’s not a real date if it’s lunch and surely the boyfriend won’t mind. Duh. Shakira grins at Vicodin Boy and shakes her head.

“You gotta strike while the iron’s hot,” meaning that no one should wait six months to broach the subject of a second date.

“Huh?” Vicodin Boy asks. “What does that mean?” Shakira just shakes her head some more.

She catches up with LP and Gigi talking to a group of people near the bar. Oh boy, it looks like LP is reuniting with a former co-worker. Bad Hairness. Bad Hairness also used to work with Shakira, who unsuccessfully tries to catch Bad Hairness’s eye. BH refuses to look her way and finishes her conversation with LP without so much as acknowledging Shakira.

“Do I look that much different in a cowboy hat?” she asks Gigi.

“No,” Gigi responds. “She was ignoring you.”

Huh. I guess working with Shakira will do that to you.

It’s getting close to nine and Shakira is running out of money and crowd patience. There are people everywhere. Thank God GWH is at the ready, swooping in to pick her up and end her night properly. At IHOP, of course.

Gigi and LP are hanging in there to see Willie. It's one of Gigi's lifelong dreams! "Wille Nelson songs always remind me of the winter our heat got turned off and we all slept in sleeping bags next to the fireplace listening to records...." Seems beer and country music have the power to unleash some of Gigi's white-trash childhood memories. She suspects she is not the only one affected in this way.

When he finally comes on, it is everything Gigi hoped it would be and more. He plays her favorite song "Pancho and Lefty" and she feels like she now could die a happy woman. She needs no more, so they leave the crowds and listen to the rest of the show's live broadcast on the radio in the car where they can recline to see the stars from the sun roof.

-Gigi and Shakira 1.20.05