Eleven Things That You Need to Know When Dating Shakira

1. Would it kill you to open a door for me? Come on, it’s our first date, and if you’ll recall, chivalry is NOT dead when it comes to a Gorgeous and Sassy girl.

2. You have GOT to ask me some questions. Do you want to know anything about me? Oh, that’s right. You just need to know my bra size.

3. Speaking of, if I’m wearing a cleavage shirt and you’re having trouble concentrating on my eyes, I can tell. I’m not going to go all feminist on your ass, like, “I can’t believe he’s not looking into my eyes!” Dude, I wore that shirt for a reason: so you would check out my boobs. I’m not pissed. But I am laughing at you. Know that.

4. So then we’re making out and you suggest, “Wouldn’t the bed be more comfortable?” I’m laughing at you. Again.

5. Let’s get one thing straight: when I ask you over to watch TV or a movie, I am asking you over to watch TV or a movie. It is not code for “Want to come over and have sex?” Trust me: if I want to have sex, you’ll know.

6. Speaking of sex, do NOT poke me with it. If you want to have sex, try kissing me first.

7. It’s been said before but it’s worth repeating. Don’t assume I am not dating other people. Exclusivity is EARNED.

8. I am not your “sweetie” or your “baby” on our first date. It is way too early for pet names.

9. When I do let you hang out on the purple couch with me and you are PERMITTED to watch one of my favorite shows, know that I do NOT need your commentary. I am fully aware that the plotline of Dawson’s Creek is lame. I am no stranger to the fact that Jason Priestley of 90210 fame is 23 years old but playing a high school senior. So shut up and watch. Or get off my couch and out of my house.

10. When you say, “I really just want to sleep next to you” – again, know I am laughing at you. Are you trying to be sensitive? Do you think I’m an idiot? I’m not. I know you’re trying to get in my pants. But again, if I want to have sex with you, I will. If I don’t, just “sleeping next to me” is not getting you any closer.

11. I cannot stress enough the importance of showering. You’ve made it past the date, the couch TV-watching and or makeout and I allowed you to sleep next to me. And then I get a whiff of your Eau de Gymnasium? No wonder you’re telling me I smell so good. It’s soap you’re smelling, my friend. It’s a date. With a girl. Shower.

-Shakira 05.20.04