The Swan Pageant: A Study In Extreme Self-Esteem Issues

The girls begin their night rewinding to watch the Cristina T moment Shakira has come to love. “I’m thoooo BYOO-tiful!” Cristina’s lisp combined with her Latin accent make this phrase fun to hear.

Nasty plastic surgery scenes flash in front of the girls’ eager eyes causing mean comments spew from their mouths.

Shakira thinks the host, British, looks shitty. She is wearing a really bad dress and has a severe case of VPL. “Dude, she’s a low-rent J Lo.”

The judges’ panel consists of the former Ms. USA, a middle-aged modeling agency manager, a Star magazine columnist, self-help guru and a sleazy photographer.

The winnings include: a modeling contract, a trip to Hawaii, a trip to Vegas, scholarships to both Western International University (where success is highly individualized!) and the prestigious Anthony Robbins University, a Jaguar, $50,000 in cold hard cash and best of all a membership to Spray Tans International. Woo!

British explains The Swans are about to go on the “walk of their lives.”

“What, are they about to get shot? Is it duck season?” Gigi asks.

With each commercial break, the girls are treated to another British “look.” Poor girl. It’s not getting better. This time she has some sort of ugly snake necklace. Is British a Swan? What’s up with this?

Oh God! It’s the post-plastic surgery pictures. The G&S girls shriek in horror.

For the evening gown competition, The Swans start off in stupid poses. Have they chosen these poses or were they assigned? “Do sexy! Do carefree! Do come hither!” And then none of them are able to do the pageant walk, though they were trained for six weeks in “pageanting.” Is this a degree program at Western International University? And apparently everyone has been treated to a hair weave.

Swimsuit competition: They all have the same boobs – except for one. The girls get the foreboding feeling that they’re going to see nipple. One woman’s legs have been dangerously lipsuctioned to twig size. How does she balance on those things, with the inflated boobs on her chest? Maybe they’re filled with helium!

The girls give their own names to the finalists: Barbie, Lisa Marie, Still Plain Jane, The Amazon, The Midget and The Drag Queen.

Oh boy. It’s time for an intellectual challenge: The Question and Answer Session.

“Was it worth it?” This is a dumb question.

The answer: “Yes – it will pay off for all of us.” What does this even mean??

“Is it going to pay off for us?” Gigi wonders.

Another toughie: “What will your marriage be like now [that you’re hot]?”

This Swan answers that she’s worked through her issues. Apparently her issue was that her husband kissed another woman. Sounds like the wrong person in the relationship working through issues. But now that she has lip implants, maybe his lips won’t stray!

The G&S girls are alarmed that one chick looks just like Barbie. It appears that there’s not a thought in her head. Great! Now men will just look at her in bars and not listen to a word she says. Way to go, Barbie!

The G&S girls are treated to pretty underwear and stupid photo shoots. One Swan says: “Wearing lingerie is a celebration – I am woman, hear me roar.” No, sweetie, you’re not a woman anymore. You are made of plastic. The judges do not feel the roar as her score totally sucks.

Gigi and Shakira make their predictions for the final three: Barbie, Midget and Amazon. But it turns out the final three are Drag Queen, The Amazon, and Midget. The girls are rooting for Midget. They fear The Amazon will win instead. It’s Darwinism at its best!

Each finalist gives a 30-second speech on why she should be The Swan. It turns out that if the winner is unable to fulfill her obligations as The Swan, the second runner-up will take over.

“WHAT obligations?” the girls ask, confused. The obligation to get a spray tan once a week?

And the winner is…..The Drag Queen! There’s swelling music and the girls watch The Drag Queen’s fugly husband clap. Dude, he is a loser! Sparks shoot from the sky; unfortunately, no one goes up in flames.

British tells us: “Don’t forget to live happily ever after!”

Shut up Ted.

-Gigi and Shakira 06.21.04