Spray On Tan Debacle

Snow White is not the fairest of them all. I am. I am blond and Irish, hence I seem to have very little pigment. I got an actual tan once, the summer I was a nanny, because the kids and I went to the beach every single day. That was also the summer I lost 10 pounds eating mostly oatmeal cookies, diet pepsi and plums. I probably took ten years off of my life in just two short months!

I am older and wiser now. Yet there are times when I get sick sick sick of my pale white skin. It is only an attribute when you are faking illness.

"Jeez, you look pale!"
"Yeah, I'm a little woozy....better go home and lay down." Hee. Awesome!

But sometimes a girl wants that healthy glow. Especially when she is spending a lovely Easter weekend at her boyfriend's parents' house. So I decided to give the self-tanner a go.

I have done this before with great success, but I am not so good with the upkeep. I usually end up spending my summers looking tan one week, really white for a few weeks and then oh-so-tan again a month later. It's just kind of a pain in the ass. You have to exfoliate and dry off really well, then rub the stuff all over your naked body, while being extremely careful not to miss a spot. Then you must quickly wash your palms and the soles of your feet so as not to look like you have some weird skin disease. Then you have to wait for that shit to dry. Which means you have to be standing around naked for like fifteen to twenty minutes. That doesn't seem like a long time until you actually have to stand around naked for fifteen to twenty minutes. When I am naked, I want to lay down. That's just the way it is. So I hate self tanning.

I was very excited when I spied Neutrogena's new self tanning product. This product sprays on in a light mist, requires no rubbing, and dries in 5 minutes. It claims that you can spray it on and then get dressed and go! Fabulous.

I was a little skeptical about the no rubbing thing, but I followed the directions and sprayed it on in a light mist, all over my body. I stood around naked for 5 minutes and sure enough, true to the packaging, it was dry! So I put on my clothes and went to the movies. Then I came home and went to bed. I woke up the next morning to a nasty surprise. I was striped! I had missed whole streaks of flesh on my legs and arms. AAACK!!!! It looked horrible. And I was going to be visiting LP's family in less than a day. They were going to think I was a stripey freak!!!

I devised what I thought was a brilliant plan. I gave Neutrogena $6.99 more of my hard earned money and bought their self-tanning lotion in the same "medium" shade that the mist was in. Then I carefully rubbed it on to each strip of white skin on my stripey legs and arms, stood naked for 15 minutes while it dried, then put on shorts and a tank top for the trip to Houston. It was looking much better by the time LP and I pulled in to his parents' house. It was getting chilly, so I changed into long sleeves and long pants. We hung out with the family and drank delicious jug wine for a few hours. Needless to say, I forgot all about my stripes.

When I was changing for bed, I got a new nasty surprise. Now I was patchy! I had big brown patches on my skin where there were once white stripes. DAMN IT!!!! I looked even freakier than I did with the stripes. I called LP into the bathroom, and he immediately began laughing at me.

"It doesn't come off?" he asked between guffaws.

"No! I am going to look like this for like a week!!" This made him howl and fall on the floor. "I am glad I amuse you, asshole, because you're the one who's dating crazy patch girl. It's not like that makes you look cool!"

This sobered him up a bit, which made me happy.

Since my slightly patchy arms didn't look as bad as my extra patchy legs I went around all weekend in long pants and short sleeved shirts. I figured that if anybody commented on my arms I could tell them that I had a rare skin condition and I was collecting funds for research if they wanted to donate. Maybe I could collect enough money to get a professional spray-on tan!

Sadly, nobody commented or donated funds and the weather turned unseasonably cold, so my patchy, stripey body was covered with clothing. And it's covered up now, until this stupid crap fades, which should be at the end of the week. Lovely. Hey Neutrogena? Thanks so much!

So here is what I have learned: 1) You must rub the spray tanning mist on to your body after spraying to insure even distribution and no striping, even if the package professes to be the "no rub" spray tanner, as if that is some big fucking bonus. Just spend the extra two minutes to rub it on, then wash your hands. You will thank me. 2) Neutrogena's "medium" self tanning lotion does not in fact match the color of their "medium" self tanning mist, and one should not try to fix self tanning accidents in that way. Please learn from my debacle. That is all until my next beauty debacle. Keep checking in!

Gigi 03.28.05