The New Adventures of Snow White

1980

I am eight years old and at the kitchen table with my parents, looking at the movie section of the local paper. I spy a movie that intrigues me. It’s The New Adventures of Snow White. Ooh! I love fairy tales. And this one is a double feature with The Erotic Adventures of Pinocchio. According to the ad, it’s not his nose that grows...

Gigi: Hey mom? Can we go see Snow White today? It’s playing at the downtown theater.

Mrs. G.: Really? At the downtown theater? Uh, I’m not sure about that…

Gigi: Oh come on!!! It’s playing with Pinocchio. We can see TWO movies.

Mr. G.: It’s playing at the DOWNTOWN theater?

Gigi: Yeah. What does “erotic” mean?

Mrs. G.: For grown-ups. Give me the paper.

Gigi: (brings the paper to Mrs. G.) See, there’s the ad. “It’s not his nose that grows…”

Mr. G.: (chokes) Look Gigi, find another movie. Those movies are NOT for kids.

Gigi: Why not?

Mrs. G.: There’s nudity in them.

Gigi: So?

Mr. G.: FIND SOMETHING ELSE!!!

Gigi: O KAAAAY! God! Can we go see Lady and the Tramp?

Mr. G.: (to Mrs. G.) What the hell is wrong with her?!

2002

I am boredly scanning the web for something to do. Lo and behold I find an ad for the New Adventures of Snow White!! Unfortunately it is not playing with Pinocchio. Perhaps I will never know what happens when that naughty boy tells lies…

I send out the call, and 8 of my nearest and dearest respond. It is playing at midnight, but we overcome our old-age tiredness with black-death coffee and enthusiastic ranting. This is going to be GREAT!!!!

We arrive at the theater and lament the fact that nobody brought a flask. Damn!! Luckily it is one of those movie places where they serve food and cheap wine and beer. Nearly everyone has a can of Schlitz, but I, classy gal, have a wine spritzer. That’s white zinfandel mixed with Sprite for those of you who aren’t in the know.

Anyway, we settle in for the movie. I’d give you a play by play, but it’s almost too weird to describe. You really have to see it for yourself. Some highlights:

The wicked queen asks her effeminate assistant to take Snow White out into the woods and come back with her sexual organs. EWWWW! The guy takes Snow White into the woods, but she makes a break for it, and naturally all of her clothing gets caught on trees so we get to see her in her skivvies, which are apparently made of string. He yells after her, “Stop running you luscious little fool!!” Ah…I am so going to use that line on the men.

Lots of animals try to mate with Snow White. These include a bear, a wolf, a frog and a snake. Ew.

Two weirdo guys try to get Snow White to teach them how to milk a cow. Snow White is intrigued that the cow has nipples like she does. She thinks they should suck on them. She demonstrates. Then the guys join in. All three of them suck away. Suck, suck, suck. I think that is a real cow. Ew.

The wicked queen leaves Snow White a poison mirror and comb, which puts her to sleep. The dwarves awaken her by rubbing what looks to be oatmeal all over her breasts. She awakens and is all nonchalant, like she always has seven dwarves rubbing oatmeal on her breasts. Maybe this is normal for Snow White. That lucky bitch... Oh, uh, I mean EW!

There is a Cinderella story and a Sleeping Beauty story included in the film as well. So we get to see them both naked too! Cinderella is kidnapped by cannibals. Luckily she gets away without being eaten, but we get to see all kinds of bloody half eaten body parts around. EW!

After Cinderella loses her shoe the prince takes it around to get women to try it on---just like in the Disney movie. Unlike the Disney movie, one sister cuts off her toe and the other cuts off her heel to get her fat foot into the shoe. EW!!!! It is really gruesome!!! I almost couldn’t watch. The funniest part about it is that the sisters don’t even look like it hurts. They are nonplussed. But birds give both of them away by saying “Cookidy coo! Cookidy coo! Look in the shoe!” to the prince who then notices the blood pouring from the shoe. Not very perceptive there, princey.

Sleeping Beauty is really ugly. She can’t get anyone to bang her and break her curse of the uglies. Finally she tricks a bear into the deed and right in the middle of it she starts looking like Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Cool!

I can’t remember what happens in the end—it took me several wine spritzers to get through the film—but basically they all get all naked and have an orgy and they all live happily ever after.

After the movie, a few of my friends gave me a sarcastic "thanks so much, Gigi", but for the most part I think they enjoyed the new experience. They are an adventurous group and they don’t usually hold grudges.

All in all it was an ok movie, especially if you like those late 1960s hallucinogenic sort of films. I have to say that I would have LOVED it when I was eight. Nudity, weird music and colors were right up my alley back then. Oh well. A childhood dream fulfilled at last.

Now if only I can find The Erotic Adventures of Pinocchio my life will be complete.

-Gigi 12.04.02