The Sexiest Bachelor EVER!
Episode 4

We open in the lovely Mansion of Desperation. Chris states the obvious, as is his specialty, telling the ladies and the audience that there are just nine of them left. Thanks, Chris. Then he informs them that this week they'll be mixing it up a bit. There will be one group date, where Brad will give one girl a rose and the rest of them will pout and whine. There will also be one individual date, where Brad could give the girl on the date a rose, but won't if she doesn't put out...er, impress him. If so she will be sent packing! Finally there is a two-on-one date, which is the particularly mean one where they pit two girls against each other on the same outing. Only one of them will get a rose and the other one will be sent home immediately. Brutal!

Jade opens the first envelope, makes a face and spits out, "Jenni." So Jenni will be going on the individual date with Brad. Jenni shrieks with delight while the other ladies shoot daggers at her with their eyes. She then opens up the "date box," which seems to be more of a date briefcase, and pulls out a plastic helicopter. For some reason this makes all the ladies squeal and scream "Helicopter!" as if they were three year olds. Although I might scream, too, as I consider helicopters to be floating death traps and would have to be heavily sedated to ever take a ride in one. Once again I thank God that I am not on the Bachelor.

Sheena says that Jenni is good at making guys like her, but she wonders if it's feelings for Brad or the element of competition that is driving her. Probably the latter with a small amount of the former. Just like all the rest of the girls.

Brad's helicopter lands and all of the girls stand around to see Jenni off on her date and send their good luck wishes...if by "good luck wishes" you mean "wishes that she is somehow ejected from the helicopter in mid-air." Brad jumps out and gives Jenni hugs and kisses, much to the horror of the other girls. Hillary says that the sexual attraction between Jenni and Brad makes her want to vomit. Bizarrely, this makes her sob to the other girls, with her head on Jade's shoulder, about how jealous she is. Does she not realize that she's in competition with ALL of them? Suck it up! She also says that Jenni is a "very sexual person" which I find strange, because she seems like a very perky person to me, but she doesn't seem to be a vixen or anything. But what do I know?

Jenni and Brad land on the roof of a building to have their romantic dinner with a fabulous city view. They sip champagne and Brad tells Jenni how excited he is about their date and how he's been looking forward to spending time with her. It's really pretty sweet. Jenni tells the camera that she might jump off the building if Brad doesn't give her the rose. Yikes! Maybe she should consider a little Zoloft. I practically never want to jump of roofs anymore. Hey, that should be their new tag line! But I digress...Brad tells Jenni all of the things that have impressed him about her so far. He seems to really like her and it looks like they have real chemistry. That's kind of nice to see since the phoniness of the show has started to bring me down a little. Thank heavens for the Zoloft!

Meanwhile back at the MOD the girls are speculating about the two-on-one date. Stephy says she has no idea who will be picked for it. McCarten snaps at her and says something like, "It's not like you're going to the principal's office if you answer the question."

DeAnna and McCarten bitch to the other ladies about how nobody ever answers their questions. Jade tries to point out that it's because of the nasty way they ask the questions, but DeAnna keeps interrupting her. This causes Jade to yell at her to get her point across, and I have to say I agree with her. Those girls are that nasty kind of seventh grade mean where they try to trick others into confiding in them so they can use it against them. It's just awful.

On the Roof Date, Brad hands Jenni the rose and tells her more about how much he likes her. Jenni tells him that she's saved all the roses that he's given her and hangs them in her room. He really likes that she did that. Then they make out a little. It is a pretty good date, all in all.

The new Date box arrives at the MOD. It is more like a Date Trunk, but whatever. This one is for the group date. Stephy reads the names of the group daters and it becomes clear that Jade and DeAnna will be going on the two-on-one date. I don't like either of them, but DeAnna seems meaner so I feel a little bad for Jade.

The Group Date is at a theater and the girls have to do an improv class. It is really lame. They have to act like chickens and turkeys and improvise being funny with props. Bettina yells out "I love you, Brad!" into a party hat. She tells the camera that she really meant it. She does another one where she puts a boa at her crotch and says, "I totally forgot to shave today." EW!

Kristy gets totally flustered doesn't do so well with the improv. She tells the camera that she hates this sort of thing. Right with you, Kristy. It even hurts me to watch it. And it's gonna get much worse...the next activity is totally unbelievable in how degrading it is! The instructors tell them they must all "beg like a dog" for the rose. Wow. Do they think that this is in keeping with the whole sexy mandate of this season's show? Are they trying to get all 9 1/2 Weeks on our asses? Because it's horrifying to me. The ladies pant and crawl around like puppies without much of a problem, though. I suppose after you've decided to broadcast your desperation to a national audience, being forced to beg like a dog is a piece of cake.

The instructors bring out a bunch of costumes for the girls. They are the standard male fantasy outfits: a cheerleader, a nurse, a french maid. Strangely there is also some sort of pilgrim or Amish costume with a big, billowy dress and huge hat. What the hell is that about? Are these tailored to Brad's fantasies? If so, he's a little freaky... And hey, where's the librarian?

Hillary, who loves the improv crap, is dressed like a horny cheerleader. She tells Brad, "You are so hot you make my pom-poms SWEAT!" What??? Sweaty pom-poms? Gross! She tells the camera that she deserves the rose for her performance. I think I might hate her.

Meanwhile, Kristy sucks at the improv and starts crying. She tells Brad that she feels stupid because she's not good at the acting stuff and she doesn't want him to think that she doesn't have a fun side. While she's talking to him the other girls bitch about her and Stephy says, "If she gets the rose, I'm gonna smack her upside the head with it." Nice.

At rose time, Brad surprises everyone by giving the rose to Bettina. Bettina says that she can see being together with Brad and having a life with him.

Next up is the two-on-one face-off between DeAnna and Jade. Both of them say that they are not intimidated by the other one. The date seems to be some sort of outdoor dinner thing. Brad tells them that he is looking for that one special person, so he's gotta ask the tough questions. He then asks how they'd feel about moving to Austin. Jade starts and says that she packed up and moved to Canada...when DeAnna interrupts her, blurting, "I did too!" Apparently she packed up and moved all the way to Nashville after high school. Isn't she from Atlanta? What is that, like a five hour drive? It's certainly not more than a day trip. Whatever. Jade starts talking about how she grew up without much money. She says that she started working at sixteen, when DeAnna busts in and says she started working at fourteen. Yeah, well I started working at six. If by "working" you mean "kicking serious ass in first grade."

DeAnna's one-upmanship starts to freak Jade out. She tells the camera that she's freezing up. In her alone time with Brad she seems insecure and giggly. He tells her that he thinks she's great, but there doesn't seem to be much in the way of chemistry there. She's hanging on Brad, but he's not really touching her. While they are talking, DeAnna spies from around the corner.

Back at the MOD, the girls are discussing the possibility of getting engaged in six weeks. Hillary and Jenni say that they'd say yes immediately if Brad proposed. Bettina asks them if they know what marriage is about. She tells them that she was married before and they all seem completely shocked. Oh here we are again. Let's all express our horror at the scourge of divorce. Hillary tells her that you "just know" when someone is "the one" and "people give up too easily." Yeah, talk to me in ten years about what you "just know." Hillary says Brad shouldn't date a divorced person because, "she's like a used car." I think he shouldn't date someone who says "freakin'" all the time and makes up ridiculous similes. Yeah, I definitely hate her.

At the two-on-one face-off, it's DeAnna's turn to talk to Brad. She tells him she doesn't usually "wear her heart on her sleeve," but she doesn't want to be sent home, because she feels a "connection" and wants the chance to fall in love.

The two girls then sit down at the table while Brad grabs the rose. He says that he feels a genuine and true "connection" with the person he's going to give it to, and he presents it to DeAnna. They kiss right in front of Jade. Ouch. Brad then takes Jade off to say goodbye. She cries while Brad tells her she's "amazing."

The ladies at the MOD are laying around on the couches when the guy who retrieves the suitcases comes to get Jade's luggage. They all seem surprised that Jade is the one leaving.

Now that their two-on-one has turned into a one-on-one, Brad and Jade slither into the hot tub (where do they find all of these hot tubs?) and make out.

Time for the Cocktail Party of Desperation at the MOD! The girls who aren't holding roses are all glum, while Jenni, Bettina and DeAnna sniff their roses and wave them around a little. Heh.

Brad has his last one-on-ones before elimination time. Kristy seems a little hysterical. I hate when they get that way, like they are on a job interview and just completely desperate. Brad tells her that he thinks she's a "real lady," but he worries that he's not refined enough for her. This was the chick who examined his tongue in the first episode. I bet he really means he's not very attracted to her.

Brad tells Sheena that his brother said great things about her and that meant a lot to him. Sheena gets a little teary and tells him that she wants him to know she is there for the right reasons. I don't know what the right reasons are, but Brad is impressed.

A bunch of the girls sit on the couch and do this annoying thing where each of them says one word to form a question that they want to ask Brad. It's "Who was your first kiss?" Brad is uncomfortable, but tells them that it was Jenni on the beach day. The girls are all pissed off, particularly Bettina, who says that Jenni treats the show like it's a competition. It's not? Then I have missed the entire point of the Bachelor! She goes on to say that Jenni is "the sluttiest girl in the house" and a "slut and a liar" because she didn't tell the other girls that she got her first kiss from Brad at the beach. Harsh!! I hate when girls call other girls sluts. It's just nasty and it contributes to society's backwards ideas about women's sexuality. I am disappointed in Bettina. As the girl with the "scarlet D" she should be more progressive.

The other girls toddle off to confront Jenni in their usual bitchy seventh grade way. They are nice to her at first and then the claws come out. Bettina fake cries about how Brad is so kind and wonderful and it's just awful that some of the girls aren't being truthful. Oh God, shut up!

McCarten cries to Brad in her alone time and tells him she hasn't "let her guard down" because she's had her heart broken before. She feels like she has a "connection" with Brad, but the competition is too hard for her. Jeez what is up with all of these cry babies tonight? My actual baby doesn't cry half this much!

Finally it's rose time!!! Thank God. The roses go to:

Kristy
Sheena
and
Hillary

So Stephy and McCarten are outta there! Stephy is pretty philosophical about the whole thing, saying that other things weren't working so she tried the Bachelor to find true love, but that wasn't the way to go either. She is just going to have to keep looking. McCarten cries and cries and can't really talk.

Scenes from next week show that Kristy will pout, somebody (Sheena?) will fall in her gown and Hillary will leave the show in hysterics in "the most emotional Bachelor exit EVER!" Are they finally over the sexy thing? Stay tuned.

Gigi 10.20.07