The Sexiest Bachelor EVER!
Episode 3

Hostman Chris begins by stating the obvious: for those who can't count, there are 12 girls left. That's still too many to be entertaining, in my opinion, but nobody has asked for my input. I can't even remember the nicknames I've given them. Oh well, I'll just give them new nicknames when there are less of them.

There will be an individual date this week, which is exciting. The girl on the date has to impress Brad, because if he doesn't give her a rose she is headed home immediately afterwards. There will also be two group dates...and the first one is at the circus. Oh yuck. I fucking hate the circus. And he is making them participate. Creepy clowns AND audience participation. Dude, that is my nightmare date.

Brad tells the camera that he still gets nervous around Jenni. She asks him whether he'd be open to a long distance relationship and let her finish out her season as a Phoenix Suns dancer if he was to pick her. He stutters a little, but finally says that he'd be fine with that as long as the feelings were real. She tells him that she wants to be the last girl standing...and then she makes it sound a little better by saying that she wants to be the person that he falls in love with. He likes that she says that, but makes sure to say that this is the time when he is getting to know each of the ladies. There you go, Brad. Keep those options open.

Next he chats up Stephy. Like many of the women from previous shows, she is a daddy's girl. What is up with that? If these women have such great relationships with their dads, why on earth would they go on this show? Aren't the girls with great dads supposed to be really secure? Since Shakira and I both lost our fathers young, we are both dumbfounded by this phenomenon. Neither of us have ever been as desperate as these ladies are. Maybe if you idealize your father too much you are prone to unrealistic expectations? Ugh, this is bringing me down. I am going to get a glass of wine while I listen to Stephy wax poetic about her daddy.

OK here we go. Stephy wants to marry someone like her dad because he makes her feel safe and she can count on him. Brad asks her about her longest relationship. She says she had a three year relationship, but that was back in high school. She has been single for the past five years and she can't remember the last time someone asked her out.

Sarah starts getting impatient and asks Brad when he'll be giving out the rose. He tells her he isn't ready to do it yet and sarcastically thanks her for putting him on the spot.

So now it's time for them to be part of the circus. Eek...here come the clowns. Is there anyone out there who doesn't find clowns creepy? A clown with a bright red nose and extra large sideburns introduces Brad as the sexiest Bachelor EVER!! I guess he got the memo from ABC. The Bachelor and the ladies walk out into the ring. Sideburns gives the mic to Brad and he introduces the honorary ringmaster, who is some guy I've never seen or heard of, so who cares?

We see the girls whooping it up at the circus, then Brad takes McCarten aside and tells her that he doesn't know whether she's giving him the "friend vibe" or what. She says that she doesn't feel the friend vibe (bzzt!) but she is a confident person and as long as there's a connection with him she is fine with not getting the rose. What. Ever. She says that dating Brad is like being a tightrope walker. Some people need a net, some people don't. I bet she'll be singing a different tune if she doesn't get the rose, but her reverse psychology just might work.

Meanwhile, back at the Mansion of Desperation, Hillary gets the news that she is going on the individual date. She is squealing with joy when nasty Jade reminds her that she could be sent home afterwards. She sobers up a little, but tells the girls that she plans to give Brad a good time. I wonder what that means to her?

At the circus, a clown with Vanilla Ice hair hands Brad the rose and tells him it's time to present it. He hems and haws, then gives the rose to Stephy. Ha!! I am so glad that McCarten's tricks didn't work.

Hillary says she wants to get a big fat kiss from Brad. Then she wants to rub it in the other girls' faces. Classy. She is wearing a black sparkly dress and looks pretty, even though she seems to be kind of an idiot. In front of the other girls, Brad presents her with a million dollars worth of jewelry to wear that night. He better not be bringing her to the circus. The other girls send hate beams toward the bejeweled Hillary.

Brad flies Hillary to San Francisco for a romantic dinner. Ooh! Much better than the circus date. They sit down and Hillary immediately gets a little weepy. Is she drunk? She starts babbling about not needing all the jewelry and whatnot, as long as they are crazy in love. And this makes her cry harder. She goes on and on about how she wants to give her heart to someone and how she looks at Brad and thinks she could fall in love with him. And then she cries even more. Eeek!

Meanwhile, the bitches back at the Mansion of Desperation talk about how they think she'll be sent home. McCarten says she's not there to make friends. Yes, you have made that clear by being an utter asshole since the show began.

Brad watches Hillary weep and it touches him. He excuses himself and fetches the rose. She stops crying long enough to accept it. Then they go to the Ghiradelli Chocolate Factory and make sundaes. Now that's a great date! Oh yeah, then they make out. They seem to have sparks. Hillary has actually become a contender.

The next group date is sailing. Kristy the acupuncturist steers the boat and giggles her head off. She seems a little hysterical. But Brad claims to like it. He does seem to like the laughing...and the crying, for that matter. Maybe he likes instability? If so, he's on the right show.

Next there is a dance party on the boat. Naturally, Solisa, the Christian girl from Austin, gives him a lap dance. Did she learn those moves at Jesus Camp? She says that she went up to him and started shaking her butt really fast, " 'cause it's the only thing I know how to do!" Okaaaaay. Bettina says that she knows who she'll hire for his bachelor party. Heh.

At the MOD, Hillary stupidly asks the ladies which of them didn't want her to come back from her date with Brad. McCarten and DeAnna stupidly raise their hands. Hillary gets mad and tells them that she and Brad joined the mile high club, he told her he loved her and that she "took him to the bathroom and showed him what a real woman does." They roll their eyes at her.

Back on the high seas, Sheena tells the camera that she wants to show Brad her competitive side. So she speeds around on a jet ski like a maniac and almost runs him over. Then the coast guard busts them for being reckless. Hilarious!!

Bettina is excited about the sparks she and Brad have. She thinks he's a hottie. But she has to tell him her horrible secret...about her divorce! Oh, shocking!! Apparently Brad is one of those people who "doesn't believe in divorce." Like all the other Bachelors, he is Mr. Family Values. And they see no disconnect with their "values" and whoring it up on tv. So Bettina tells him of her shame and he looks suitably shocked and asks her to repeat herself. He is a bit abrupt after that, but who knows what that means. Still, he ends up giving the group date rose to Kristy.

Brad has a shocking secret too! He has a twin brother, rhymily named Chad. Brad and Chad. Why do people do that to their children?

Anyway, Brad plans to trick the ladies by sending Chad in to act like he's Brad. In this way, he thinks that the ladies who are not there for the right reasons will be weeded out, as they will automatically know it's not him. Yeah...as I've previously stated, I would suck at this game. I don't think my husband could pull it off, but I've known him for several years....and I had his baby and all. And yet, I don't feel 100% confident. Luckily, LP has no twin and cannot test me. Ha!

McCarten is first to meet the twin. She tells him that if she is real with him and he is real with her than everything will work out. Chad laughs at that, then makes some excuse about it being an off night. She looks at him quizzically. She seems like she knows something's off, but isn't sure what it is. I think she's a jerk, but I feel for her here. She's going to be pissed when she finds out.

Next up is Lindsey, the girl who sang a tuneless rendition of the Yellow Rose with all the wrong words in the first episode. She seems like she is a real dimwit, so I can't imagine she'd get it. And no surprise, she babbles on and on cluelessly and seems to have absolutely no idea that she isn't talking to Brad.

Sheena immediately narrows her eyes at Chad and isn't fooled for a second. Wow!! I am so impressed. He introduces himself and asks him if she has a message for Brad. She says to tell him that she likes him...and she is paying attention.

Kristy also immediately gets it, as does Bettina. Wow!!! Stephy and DeAnna also get it pretty quickly. However, Sarah, who has had long conversations with Brad and got a rose on the beach date in last episode doesn't get it. Poor Sarah. She seems all nervous and says that something seems off, but she never figures it out.

It would have been nice to know how many of them knew that Chad wasn't Brad, but they don't tell. Brad and Chad go off with Chris to the Deliberation Room to pick the winners. Chad tells Brad about the ones who got it right away and the ones who had no clue at all. He says that McCarten would have figured it out with a little more time, because she knew that something was up, so he doesn't hold it against her.

Time to eliminate three of the ladies. Eek! Hillary, Kristy and Stephy already have roses. The other six go to:

Sheena
McCarten
Jenni
Jade
DeAnna
and
Bettina

Poor Sarah knows that it was the twin trickery that brought her down, but she doesn't cry about it. She seems to shrug it off. Right on, Sarah!

Solisa cries and babbles about how Brad saw the "special parts of her" because they were on the outside. Is she talking about her boobs or her butt?

Lindsey says she's not going to cry, but then she starts crying. Poor Lindsey.

Scenes from next week promise laughter, tears and some major hate. What fun! See you then.

Gigi 10.13.07