The Sexiest Bachelor EVER!
Episode 2

The ladies gather around Chris at the Mansion of Desperation to hear about their next Bachelor activities. There will be two group dates and one rose at each of them. The girl that Brad bestows the rose on will be safe for that episode (and hated by all of the other girls).

The first group is Cameron Diaz (Erin), McSnobby (McCarten),VooDoo (Kristy), Naughty Nanny (Mallory), Hillary (that's her name), Jade (ditto) and the Greek Talkin' Goddess (DeAnna). They are going to the horse races, so naturally they all dress like Julia Roberts when she was the hooker in Pretty Woman. They are all wearing summery dresses and giant hats. In keeping with the Pretty Woman theme, Brad hands them each a wad of cash for a bj. Oh, wait...he says the cash is to "see what their betting style is like." Yeah, whatever. It's still weird, big daddy.

I can't tell which of the ladies bet on the winner...they are all screeching and jumping up and down. At some point Hillary tells the camera that she wants to "take the freakin' rose and run with it...and if anyone tries to get it I'll freakin' kick 'em." Classy. She grabs Brad for a one on one and all of the girls watch and make bitchy comments, like they can't believe she has pulled him away from the group. Have they not seen the show before? Get. A. Grip.

Shaun Phillips shows up! Woo!!!! Who the hell is he? Should I know him? I feel like I did when I was working at Spencer's in a Boston mall and Rick Fox came in. He was playing for the Celtics at the time, but I had no idea who he was. It's not like he was the ex Mr. Vanessa Williams yet. Anyway, when I was ringing him up he was all, "Do you know who I am?" He was unusually tall and had large calves, so I responded with, "Are you a basketball guy?" Rick was disgusted with me. Which was sort of ironic, 'cause he was the one buying cheap sex toys from the mall with two ugly skanks hanging on him. Anyway, Shaun Phillips is a big, muscley dude, so I figure he's some sports guy. And it turns out he's from the San Diego Chargers. Neat-o. Is that football? Whatever. He gives the ladies Chargers t-shirts and tells the camera he likes the San Diego girl best. I don't know which one that is and I don't care. The whole Shaun Phillips thing seems like pointless filler.

In more exciting news, back at the Mansion of Desperation there has been a tragedy! It seems that Michele (Bait and Switch) has slipped and fallen down the stairs. And they are hard stone stairs, not cushiony carpet stairs. She shrieks in pain and the ambulance is called. She has the big broken neck collar on and looks like she's in a lot of pain when they cart her away, so I have to admit that I'm kind of relieved for her when she calls Brad on his cell phone at the race track to tell him that she has a concussion. The girls on the date are not relieved and instead bitch about how she interrupted their date to call Brad. They wonder how she can talk with a concussion and where she got his number! Wow. Brad, you lucky devil! These are some kind, compassionate women you are choosing from. Oh how will you decide which one should be the mother of your children?

Brad has some one on one time with McSnobby. She kisses him when he is midsentence, which is annoying and disconcerting in my experience. I think people who do that are trying to be all sexy and give the "I can't resist you!" message. But they are really giving the "I'm not listening to you!" message. Brad tells the camera it was not a good kiss. Hee.

Next he has some one on one with DeAnna. They actually seem to have some sparks. She tells him she was once in a five year relationship and they guy cheated. She says that is why she would never cheat on her man. Brad goes and gets the rose and gives it to her, much to the chagrin of the other ladies. DeAnna and Brad keep talking and it's like they are on a really good date. The other girls decide that they need to quash the sparks and go over to interrupt them.

Back at the Mansion of Desperation, Group Two is getting ready for their date, which is a trip to the beach. They prance around in their bikinis while poor concussed Michele sits on the couch and looks glum. I guess you can't romp on the beach with a head injury. That sucks. She is sitting outside and reading when Brad arrives. He goes out to talk to her, which (surprise!) pisses off the other girls. Please tell me that this is just editing and the ladies were not really this petty and mean. So far this season is more pathetic and less fun that the others to me. Even Brad seems like he is checking in with Michele because it's the right thing to do, but he doesn't really care. It's totally different from the way Andy was when Bevin hurt herself in the last Bachelor. Although maybe he's just acting like a normal person does when someone you hardly know gets a concussion. I forget that they barely know each other, because the girls are acting all territorial about Brad.

Brad and Group Two head to Malibu and it is heavenly! They have a gorgeous beach area all to themselves...as well as a lovely bar. Woo-hoo!!! Lindsey says that she plans to flaunt her body to get Brad. Whatever works, just please, for the love of God, don't sing anymore. Stephy (hey, I don't remember her from the last episode...) rips Brad's shirt off and ogles him. He has a big muscular chest. It is pretty nice, I must say. He looks like he could moonlight at La Bare!

Jade tells the camera that there's a division between the classy girls and the not-so classy girls. Uh, yeah, Jade. The classy girls probably AREN'T desperately competing for a husband on national tv. Oh, she means among the girls on the show. Right.

Sarah asks for time alone with Brad, and Jenni predictably bitches about how aggressive she is. She spoke too soon, though, as Solisa the Austin girl shows them the real meaning of aggressive. She tells Brad that she wants him to do a body shot off of her. Ew. All of a sudden it's turned into spring break at Carlos and Charlie's. Good ol' Brad licks and sucks from Solisa's boobs to her belly button. This must be what ABC meant about SEXY!

Later, Solisa and Brad have some alone time and she tells him that she is a Christian with high morals and values. Er, you'd probably be impressing him with your family values a little more if you hadn't just shoved your tequila soaked tits in his face. Clearly she's a total nutbag. Damn, I had such high hopes for the Austin girl!

Stephy tries to sex it up by kissing on Brad's belly, but she really can't outdo Sister Christian at this point. Who can?

Jenni and Brad have some alone time and he tells her that he just can't stop laughing around her. Hmm...that could be good...or could she be sliding toward the friend zone?

Meanwhile, back at the MOD, Hillary and one of the other girls go through Jenni's things and find her modeling portfolio. Daaaaaaamn! Those are some nosy bitches! Hillary whines about how Jenni's just there to advance her career.

Back at the beach, Brad takes Sarah off for some one on one time and they seem to really hit it off. He retrieves the rose and gives it to her. Now that was a surprise! The other girls are predictably pissed off about it. Zzzzzzzz.

Well lookee here, a hot tub is conveniently available at this beach! Brad makes like Hef and surrounds himself with the ladies in the tub. He asks them about the craziest thing they've ever done. Lindsey babbles about how she's never skinny dipped, which inspires Solisa (aka Sister Christian) to jump out of the hot tub, tear off her top and run to the ocean. Everyone else stays in the tub drinking champagne and watches her go...including Brad. It's Christian Girls Gone Wild!! And nobody cares. Ouch.

She comes back all drippy and cold, and Brad tells her that she outdid all of them with the wildness. But he doesn't seem terribly impressed. Solisa, as and Austin girl, should know that a guy who owns a couple of 6th Street fratty bars is probably not a stranger to girls whipping off their tops to show how "wild and free" they are.

Next up is the cocktail party at the MOD. Brad has a one on one with concussed Michele. Apparently her head injury has given her verbal diarrhea. She frantically babbles about how she is the oldest person there (she's 30!) and how she wants to marry and have babies, but not right away, but she is getting older so she probably has to have babies soon and blah blah blah....train wreck. Poor Michele.

Next the Bachelor has a one on one with Bettina. She tells the camera she is really nervous because she has a big secret. Surprise, it's the horrible scarlet D! Bettina is the divorcee of this group. It is hilarious how divorce is a huuuuge shame on the Bachelor, but making out with 10 different chicks in the hot tub on camera or licking booze off someone's ta-tas is all in a day's work. Bettina gets all teary and almost tells him of her shame, but then she chickens out and tells them that she is very happy to be there.

Brad's one on one with Mallory, the Naughty Nanny, is hilarious. He asks her about her perfect day and she is all, "Breakfast in bed...YOU'D make it for ME. There would be eggs and potatoes..." She goes on and on about the food she'd like. Then she tells him they'd do some sort of outdoor activity together like "watercolors or reading." Dude, that is MY perfect day! I love this girl. Brad rains on her parade by asking where they'd get the money to do this stuff and Mallory is all, "Oh, we'd have to WORK?" What the hell? He asked about her perfect day! There is no work on your perfect day!! Brad is no fun.

Jenni hears Hillary and some of the other bitchy girls griping about how she brought her portfolio with her, and she starts sobbing. She claims she brought her it to show everybody what she does. Well that makes sense. You can't blame her...she's been in magazines and stuff. And she's a Phoenix Suns Dancer. It is kind of cool. I don't see what the big deal is, but apparently it has angered the bitches and they think she's "not there for the right reasons." Because there are "right reasons" for wanting to compete with a bunch of other women on tv to marry some guy you know nothing about.

Jade wastes her one on one time to inform Brad that there are "some people" in the house who have their modeling books there. She gives him the patented Bachelor "I just thought you should know" speech. She is not very bright, because the tattle tale never gets the guy in the end...and she looks petty and nasty to anyone watching the show. She says she is "too classy" to name names. Uh-huh. Just pack your bag now, Jade.

Time for deliberating. Aw damn, he's only eliminating three tonight. I can't keep track of all of these girls! I'm having trouble remembering what I nicknamed them.

Anyway, the roses go to:

VooDoo Kristy
Bettina (the Scarlet D)
Freakin' Hillary
Stephy (who the hell is she???)
Sheena (I forgot about her, too)
McSnobby
Perky Jenni
Lindsey (the Yellow Rose)
Jade (the Tattler)
and
Solisa (Sister Christian)

Erin, aka Cameron Diaz, is sad that she has been eliminated. She tearily says she came there to find her true love, but Brad is just not her Prince Charming. Mallory the Naughty Nanny looks a little pissed, but she isn't crying. Brad didn't really seem like her type of guy anyway. Poor Michele is sobbing as she leaves. It has been a hard episode for her, what with the concussion and all. Ugh.

Well that's it for tonight. See ya next week for more of the SEXINESS. Ooh-la-la.


Gigi 10.01.07