The Sexiest Bachelor EVER!
Episode 1

Is it just me or does anyone else find it bizarre that ABC keeps hyping this season's Bachelor as being the "sexiest" one, ever! How did they measure that? I mean sure, Lorenzo was kind of a dork, but Andy was pretty hot. Maybe the show is going to be sexier? Perhaps they are trying to compete with Rock of Love. Of course that's more skanky than sexy...

I settle down to enjoy the sexiness....with my 6 1/2 month old son. His dad gets home late on Mondays and we don't have any of that new fangled DVR technolgy or even a VCR. Hell, we still have rabbit ears on the set. Anyway, my boy will be joining me for this cultural experience. I hope it doesn't warp him too severely. Fortunately he's more interested in his new tractor toy than the tv. I'll just have to make vrroom vrrooom sounds while I take notes. We'll see how it goes.

Hey, Brad the Bachelor is an Austin guy! How did the Gorgeous and Sassy girls manage to avoid meeting him in all of their adventures? Now that Gigi is a stay at home mother and Shakira is a law student it is less likely that they'll cross paths with him. But not impossible....

Brad is pretty cute, but I'm not sure I'd call him extraordinarily sexy. Then again, I don't really use terms like "sexy" unless it is for mocking purposes. Brad's background is interesting. He was born into a well-to-do family, but they lost most of their money when his parents split up and he and his brothers ended up living in a trailer with their mom. Brad became hard worker and ended up doing work on an oil rig before he became an entrepreneur. Ooh...he did some manly work, did he? Hmm...I do believe I find that kind of sexy. Now Brad and his brothers own four bars in Austin, The Dizzy Rooster (of Real World fame), the Marq, Uncle Flirty's, and one in which I've spent some happy times, The Chuggin' Monkey. The camera follows Brad as he strolls through the streets of Austin and he talks about how he is missing a soulmate. I would make fun of this, but Brad sounds so earnest and southern, kind of like those guys from Rascal Flatts.

Thank God for the first commercial, as it's become clear that my son has crapped himself. I bet the Bachelorettes don't lead the glamorous life I do.

OK, we're back in time for the show, though I must ask why in the fuck I thought it was a good idea to feed a baby purreed prunes? I blame Gerber, those bastards. Anyway, on with the Bachelor.

Chris Harrison is back to host, and why shouldn't he be? His job is sweet...he just repeatedly states the obvious, then cashes his check. He tells us that the show is better than ever! So many promises. We see scenes of the ladies. They are jumping on beds, exercising, showering, shaving....ew! Enough already. They all say basically the same thing: "I want to get a rose!" DeAnna informs us that she plans to "talk a little Greek to him." That'll win him over, especially since you're not too great with the English. I prefer to court my menz with some sexy ig-Pay atin-Lay. It makes me seem exotic.

Lori tells us that she's not going to cry or get drunk. Oh man, I hope she's eliminated early. A bunch of the ladies chat in their limo. They wonder what the Bachelor will be like? Will he be hot? How old is he? Hey hold the phone! They don't know anything about him? I thought they had at least some idea of who they are going to meet and you know, get engaged to! Isn't that how the show used to go? Well apparently this group is going in with no info. This is a whole new level of desperate! Is that what Chris meant about the show being better than ever? The ladies are even more shallow! But SEXY!

Brad and Chris chat. Chris tells him that "EVERYBODY is talking about how we have the sexiest Bachelor, EVER!!" Well since the ladies didn't even know who he was, and all of America just met Brad, I guess "everybody" must mean Chris and the camera man. Oh how they talk! Brad looks a little embarrassed...as he should be...and he thanks Chris awkwardly. Chris then asks him how rich he is. Way to put the Bachelor on the hot seat! Chris has already done way more work that he has in the other seasons. Brad indicates that he's a millionaire, but says that he's looking for the girl who "could care less about the money." Yeah, the Bachelor is just the place to find this girl. I am sure that all of the ladies will love Brad for his soul.

Why is he single? He says he's been in some amazing relationships, with amazing women, but it just hasn't worked out. Amazing. He thinks it might have been timing. Hmmm......

The Bachelor tells Chris that he is very close to his family, especially his identical twin. He says that he plans to test the ladies with his identical twin to see if they know it's not him. I don't think that's fair. I'd say that more than half of the x-boys could have tricked me with identical twins and I would have been none the wiser. Of course I tend to be less than observant about these things. In my defense, I don't have great vision, so I tend to listen carefully, but not look carefully. I've been known to say things like, "I think she's a blond....or a redhead." or "I didn't know Dave was Asian!" or even "He has a mustache? I never noticed that about Uncle Joe!" So it's actually possible that the x-boys could have tricked me with a fraternal twin or even just a male friend around the same height. Boy, am I glad I'm not on the Bachelor!

Brad tells Chris that he hopes to find his wife on the show and he expects to propose to that lucky lady on the final episode. Yikes! No pressure or anything...

Next we get to meet the ladies. They look much like last year's ladies, with few stand outs. Jenni, a Phoenix Suns Dancer, laughs often and loudly. It borders on being annoying. Kim was so worried that she'd be taller than the Bachelor that she took of her shoes before meeting him. Jessica, a news anchor, said she knew he'd be hot but she didn't know she'd need a fire extinguisher. Cheeeeesy! Rigina introduces herself as "Miss Brown Sugar." Er, he didn't ask for your stripper name. I think she has mistaken this show for Rock of Love. All the talk about sexiness confused her. Erin, who looks a lot like Cameron Diaz, can't wait to tell him about how she BROKE HER FACE a few months ago playing football. Good Lord!! Was she the playing as the football?

DeAnna does indeed "talk Greek" to Brad. Ooh what could those lovely words mean? She translates: "Hello, my name is DeAnna." Riveting.

McCarten tells him that she "dreamt about [him] all night last night!" She doesn't tell him that in the dream he was Flanders from the Simpsons, and he was whispering dirty dirty things in her ear. Oh wait, that was my dream last night. I think I may have issues.

Kristy, an acupuncturist, wants to do a "treatment" on him. Eek! She's gonna do some voodoo on his ass. Brad better watch it. Solisa is an Austin girl!! Woo-hoo!!! Go Solisa! Please, please don't act like a moron. Michele from Jersey informs Brad that he's everything she's looking for. Michele obviously has no standards at all. As long as he looks good in a suit, he'll do.

After meeting the 25 candidates, Brad turns to Chris and says that his wife very well may be inside. Yes, and she may call herself "Miss Brown Sugar."

Chris tells Brad about the "First Impression Rose" which he is to bestow on the woman who stands out most, making her safe from elimination. He warns Brad that this could create competition and jealousy between the women. Rrreow! Catfights!! The bread and butter of the Bachelor show. Brad says he can handle it. Chris also reminds him that he'll have to send 10 of the ladies home at the end of the night. Then he sends Brad off to the party.

The party is the typical big, drunk, getting to know you celebration that the Bachelor is famous for. The ladies immediately start falling all over themselves trying to get his attention. This group is a little nuttier than the last few I've seen. VooDoo Kristy wants to do a tongue diagnosis on Brad, so she has him stick out his tongue and then she tells him he's under some stress because his tongue looks red. Aren't tongues supposed to look red? Doesn't that mean that Brad has good oral hygiene?

Hillary asks Brad about the most outrageous thing he's ever done. Brad says it's being on the Bachelor. Yeah, that is pretty outrageous, but it's also obvious. Boring answer, Brad! Hillary says her most outrageous thing is breaking her nose on a bowling ball. Erin chimes in about how she broke her face! Yeah, breaking your face does trump the nose break. Sorry Hillary!

Jessica, the newscaster, decides that she's going to put her journalistic skills to use and interview him. As an aside, Jessica looks like she's wearing clown makeup. She has lots of bright pink blush going on. She asks him some boring interview questions and somebody steals him away pretty quickly. Heh.

Jenni and Michele sit on the couch with the Bachelor and ask about how he's going to judge the ladies. He jokes about having a dance and cartwheel competition and Jenni tells him that she's in, as she is a Phoenix Suns dancer. She asks him if he'd like her to dance and Michele is all, "I'm not even the Bachelor and I'd like to see you dance." She is obviously trying to get in with Brad by making him think that if he marries her, they'll be able to have threesomes and go to strip clubs together. But of course she tells the camera that she's annoyed about Jenni's dancing. It's your own fault, Michele. You're a Bait and Switch girl!

Jenni is still laughing and laughing. It still borders on annoying to me, but Brad likes it. So far she is the girl who stands out most to him.

Lindsey hands Brad a yellow rose and tells him she'd like to sing for him. She tries to sing The Yellow Rose of Texas, but she seems to confuse it with These Boots Are Made for Walking: "There's a yellow rose in Texas....and that's just what I'm gonna do...." She's also badly out of tune. It's horrifying.

As the girls start to get more desperate, they start breaking out all of their wackiest stunts to impress Brad. For instance, Tauni seems to think her ass has super powers. She wags it and points it at him, yelling "Pow!" Juli has a very special trick to show Brad. She tells him that she's "like, always been really flexible" and then she proceeds to get on the floor and tuck both of her legs behind her head in a pose she likes to call "The Human Pretzel." Brad looks stunned as Juli chirps, "You can spin me!" Morgan shows Brad her webbed toes. She informs the camera that this is her signature move. Um...did they find all of the contestants at the circus this year? These chicks are freaks!

Meanwhile, someone finds one of those "chicken cutlet" bra stuffers on the floor. Those things are very creepy, yet kind of squishy and appealing...er...not that I would know about them personally or would stuff my bra with them on a first date to trick a guy into thinking that I have large bosoms. Nope, not me. Anyway, we spy the lone cutlet and soon drunk Melissa stumbles in calling, "Where'sh my booooob?" Ah yes, it's the crazy drunken fool of the episode. Remember this girl? Melissa slurs to the camera, "I'm trying to be bigger boobed than I am." Later, she has her one on one time with Brad where she tells him over and over that she thought "sweetness" when she saw him. Well it sounds more like "Shweetnesh...I jusht thought shweetnesh, you know..." Brad looks unimpressed. She should have skipped the bra stuffing and sewn her mouth shut.

Mallory decides she'd like to be the trampy girl of this episode. She gets into her bathing suit, which highlights her big fake boobs, and struts out past Brad and some less brazen girls that he's talking to, and jumps in the pool. Naturally Brad goes over to the pool to talk to her and she swims up to him all Blue Lagoon-like and tells him he should take his pants off. Yikes. And this woman makes her living as a nanny! Actually, my son would love to have her as his nanny. He is really into boobs. Just loves 'em! Ah, men. Apparently they they start out this way.

We see Brad go in and get the first impression rose. But he doesn't give it to Mallory...he gives it to Jenni, the girl with the annoying laugh! Well it made her stand out. I guess he prefers lots of laughing to webbed feet, drunken slurring and human pretzels. Go figure.

McCarten tells the camera that she hopes Brad eliminates the "bottom dwellers" while keeping the "creme de la creme." Ah, so here we have the snob of the episode. OK, where's the virgin? I just can't tell.

It's time for Brad to go into the Deliberation Room where he will gaze at the ladies pictures and decide who he'll send packing. I am crossing my fingers that he gives roses to the girls I have nicknamed. Drumroll please.....

And the roses go to:

Jade
Bettina
McCarten (let's call her McSnob)
Hillary
DeAnna (the Greek Talkin' Goddess)
Michele (Bait and Switch)
Erin (Cameron Diaz)
Solisa (Austin Girl!!!)
Lindsey (the Yellow Rose)
Sarah
Stephy
Mallory (the Naughty Nanny)
Kristy (VooDoo)

The rejected girls look forlorn and sniffle a little to the camera as they leave. Lori openly cries. Tauni sadly says she'd love to find the love of her life and be married. Oh Tauni. Did you really think you find true love on the Bachelor? You girls are making me sad. Stop with this desperation! You are all cute. Some of you are probably smart and fun. Why are you doing this to yourselves? Hey, you should thank your lucky stars that you were eliminated early and aren't going to have a whole season of shows to make an ass of yourself and embarrass your family.

And speaking of embarrassing asses...here comes drunk Melissa for some parting commentary. She just didn't think she'd be cast off in the first episode! Wait until you see yourself in this episode, Melissa. It will all be crystal clear.

The winners gather around Brad and toast. Then we see scenes from the upcoming episodes. Ooh, there will be water sports, crying, and some sort of medical emergency? But it's all gonna be SEXY! At least that's what ABC is promising.

See you next week!

Gigi 09.29.07