Poison'd: Summertime Hair Band Enjoyment, Part II

Pulling into the Nokia theater, the first thing GWH and I see is a group of guys with hair-band wigs, bandannas and cowboy hats on. As we cruise by, we realize one of them is peeing.

“Oh my God. Did I just see that guy's penis?” I ask.

“I'm afraid you did, honey.” GWH laughs at me. Yeah, hilarious. My retinas are scarred.

Inside we grab some drinks, then head back out to chill on the patio. One of the Genius Crew, as GWH has dubbed them, comes outside as well. This particular fan has shaved his head into a fashionable Mohawk, and then tied a belt around his head. Points for enthusiasm…and points deducted for probably looking that way every day of the year.

Belthead has been drinking since approximately noon, when he woke up. He also needs lots of attention. “Hey, I'm getting a phone call!” he announces to no one in particular, then pulls out his phone. “Oh, never mind…that's just an alarm to remind me I have court tomorrow.” Hey, someone did notice you, dude--a judge. Way to go. And also, I fear for America.

Back inside, GWH find our seats. Dude, we are on the sixth row. This totally rocks. (Until tomorrow morning, when I will find hearing in my right ear severely impaired.) In the meantime, we settle in for the show.

And here comes RATT. What do they sing again? Both GWH and I are unsure, but we're willing to give them a try. Oh my. The lead singer has not updated his look since the RATT and Roll Tour: 1984. His skinny jeans actually have a lace-up crotch, and leave very little to the imagination. Life has not been kind to this guy. He looks seriously…old. And he's still trying to rock this long curly hairstyle. Should he be worried that his hair looks like mine, or should I be worried that I look like an aging rocker?

Playing lead guitar is a guy who looks a lot like Alice Cooper. Seriously, he is heavy into the black eyeliner. He's not fooling me, though--I can tell he's 50 years old.

But oh yeah--the music. Hmmm. It's…interesting. I can't say I really get into it, but I am having a great time watching these old guys bounce around the stage. The lead singer says, “It's been a long time!” and GWH and I look at each other like, “Indeed.” And then I have a vision in my head of lead guitar guy sitting on his mom's couch in the basement when he gets a phone call from lead singer guy. “Hey dude! We're getting the band back together!” Lead guitar guy leaps off the couch, spilling Twinkie wrappers and bong water and grabs his snakeskin guitar from its moldering place in the corner, blows dust off of it and strums a chord. “Hell yeah!” he says into the phone, and his mother yells down the basement stairs to stop making all that racket.

Toward the end of his set, the lead singer feels the need to inform the crowd that due to the hot ladies here at the show, he's “had a hard-on for 45 minutes.” Due to the aforementioned lace-up jeans, we can tell.

They play one of their supposedly new songs and I quite like the baseline. That's about all I can say.

During intermission, we go back to the back patio where the people-watching and the potential overheard conversation is excellent. For example, man on cell phone, wearing a not-new RATT concert T-shirt: “…I just couldn't miss this concert, dude….yeah, RATT just came on and rocked it….dude, I've been waiting 18 years for this.” Awesomely done. I mean, I know here I am at said concert, but I haven't been waiting for them. It just so happened they went on tour about the time GWH and I reawakened our appreciation for Hair-Band-Era music.

We make it back to our seats with new double shots of vodka and scotch just in time for the lights to go down for Poison's set. Aaaaand here comes Brett Michaels--rising up behind the drum set like Jesus Christ himself. Hey! He's not dressed like it's still 1987. In fact, he's wearing some designer jeans with some fine stitching. I'm almost sure that G$ has those jeans. Er, moving on….Brett is also wearing a new concert T-shirt with a white jacket, bandanna tastefully tied around his blond locks and a cowboy hat with a cross emblem. It's very vintage, but not lame, like he's holding on to the past. And what's this? Ol' Brett has some meat on his bones. Certainly not fat, mind you--but not Heroin Skinny (™ GWH) like most rock stars--and my theory is that his quest to find a bride on VH1 has met with a successful end. Because the love of a good woman has obviously plumped him up--and I'll bet she laid out his clothes for him too. Ooooh boy I can't wait to watch that show.

I digress. Cee Cee DeVille is there too, of course, playing a very fancy sequined and rainbow-colored guitar. Lest you think the rainbow means anything, it looks like Cee Cee is a racing fan--there's a #3 sticker as well. Cee Cee has discarded his long blond hair for a shaggier cut, probably something Jonathan Antin, hairdresser of the stars, could whip up. In fact, I think it's his trademark long layer cut! Well, played, Cee Cee.

Brett clearly loves Cee Cee, as he calls him out, asks the audience to appreciate his wonderful guitar riffing, and then, during an extremely long costume change-- he lets him sing. Dear God. Cee Cee should really stick to the fancy guitar. So yeah, he sings, and then Brett comes back--still wearing the designer jeans, but he's changed shirts and ditched the cowboy hat. Dude, Brett, why did you leave us alone so long? Just to whip off your hat and put on a new shirt? Were you making out with your lady back there?

I guess I should just be glad he has returned. Of course, it's time for The Hit, and Brett gives us a little back story on it: “Every Rose Has Its Thorn” achieved number one status due to the fine fans of Dallas. He also wrote it in a Laundromat, a fact which amuses me to no end. GWH told me once that he wrote it when the stripper he was dating cheated on him. See how soulful Brett is? As the song begins, I force GWH into a slow dance, so I can relive the Eighth Grade Dance for just a moment--this time dancing with My One True Love. Sigh.

So all in all, this concert was pretty good. I'm not going to rank it above the Def Leppard/Journey experience of last summer, but they still put on a pretty good show. Rock on!

-Shakira 07.09.07