The Bachelor - Rome
Episode 5

This is the episode of the Hometown Dates! Could they be as boring as the Rome Dates? Let's find out!

First up is the Virgin's hometown of San Diego. Wow, San Diego is gorgeous! Neither of the G&S Girls have been there, and this simply will not do. Alas, they cannot jet of at this instant, they must endure the Hometown Dates.

The Virgin tells Lorenzo he looks cute and assures him that her parents will love him...but follows the flattery with a warning. "Don't say anything lame!" Yeah, good luck with that, Lorenzo. Lame is the prince's middle name.

Cut to the Virgin Family Dinner. They are all holding hands and saying grace. Wow, you don't see that every day. Mom and Dad want the Virgin to be with someone who loves God. Hmmm...Lorenzo has never expressed his religious beliefs one way or the other. How weird would it be if Lorenzo worshipped Satan?

The Virgin's Mom wants to know what Lorenzo is looking for in a girl. It's a fair question, but Lorenzo hems and haws. He throws out a few generic characteristics, then says that he doesn't have any real criteria.

"DANGER!" yells Shakira. The G&S Girls do not how anyone expects to find the love of his/her life with no criteria.

"That fool is flying blind," agrees Gigi. "No wonder he's on The Bachelor."

The Virgin tells Mom that she trusts Lorenzo and that "He reminds me of Daddy!" Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek. OK, neither of the G&S girls have living fathers, so maybe they are weird to be creeped out when adult women call their fathers "Daddy." Do people do this? And the whole looking for your Daddy in a partner? Seems really gross.

Mom sternly tells the Virgin to "Guard your heart..."

"and lock your chastity belt!" finishes Shakira.

Finally they leave the family and go for a romantic walk on Moonlight Beach. Well it might be romantic, if it weren't Lorenzo and the Virgin. They make out by a roaring fire and it's just icky. But hey, this could be working for both of them.

Next is Lisa, the girl with The Plan. Lisa is from Portland. Lisa seems to start every conversation with a reiteration of The Plan. "I want to get married and have kids by 30. I want to make this happen with Lorenzo." Yes, yes, we've heard it all before. Somehow, it is just as frightening every time.

Lisa does have a very cute little black pug. That's one point in her favor! Smart move to bring the pug to meet Lorenzo, Lisa. Pugs are a good test of a person's sense of humor. And you can blame any accidental farting on them. Not that Gigi's ever done this at all.

So Lisa takes Lorenzo home to paint a fresco on her wall. Much like her tree hugging from their first encounter, this seems totally contrived and from a "Find Your Mate ASAP!!!!" book to the G&S girls. But once again Lorenzo falls for it. He likes Lisa's "fun side."

Then Lisa's friend Allie shows up at her door...with a wedding dress? What? And Lisa goes and tries it on. Oh Lisa...if this is in your book, you have to throw it out immediately. This is a very dumb idea. While Lisa is changing, her friend tells Lorenzo all about The Plan. He looks absolutely horrified! And then she comes out in the wedding dress, which coincidentally fits her perfectly. Holy crap. Then Lorenzo notices all of the wedding magazines Lisa has laying around her apartment. It seems to be dawning on him that she's a psycho.

He goes to meet her parents anyway, and they are very nice. Mom teaches Lorenzo some pilates and Dad chats with Lisa and tells her he thinks Lorenzo is "a nice boy." But Lorenzo still seems a little shaken after the meeting. He thinks maybe Lisa has an agenda! He is hoping she's not on the show just to get married. Good job, Lorenzo. You just keep processing those tricky clues and you'll figure it out.

Next up is Jennifer the Teacher's hometown. She's from Miami. They go fishing in rain. Romantic or muggy? You decide. Jennifer gets a bite...and it's a shark! Wow! She has totally out-fished Lorenzo, who catches absolutely nothing.

Jen tells Lorenzo that her dad has guns. She's an only child and she actually says that her dad is her WORLD! What the hell? Are all of the women on The Bachelor some version of Daddy's Little Girl? The G&S Girls always thought that Daddy's Little Girls were supposed to be the most secure with the menz, but clearly this is not the case.

So we meet Dad, and he does seem a little nutso. He says he doesn't care who the hell Lorenzo is, he wants to find out if he's good enough for Jen. So he grills Lorenzo over dinner and asks the all important question, "How are you a prince?" He seems to find the answer as odd and unimpressive as the G&S Girls do.

He fires off more questions. Does Lorenzo want to settle down? And how does he feel about Jen?

Lorenzo stammers a little...er, uh, he feels ready to settle down, he really likes Jen, she's pretty...

Then Dad grabs a random HUGE firearm! 'Cause it's just laying around. He says he would use it on anybody who hurt Jen. Well OK, then. Dad leaves quite the impression! Sadly, we never find out if Lorenzo peed his pants at that point.

Finally we are back in Italy...in Venice, the Italian Girl's hometown. Lorenzo thinks she has a lot of the qualities he is looking for. But how does he know? He barely understands a word she says. Eh...details.

They have boring, stilted conversation in the streets of Venice and then they go on a gondola ride. Naturally they make out on the gondola. Which is, of course, gross, because it is Lorenzo and even after all of this practice he still seems to kiss like a fourteen year old boy. It's so awkward! And icky! And what is he doing with his chin? Finally they cut to a scene of the Italian Girl chugging wine. The G&S Girls feel you, Italian Girl. Wash it away!!

Lorenzo is concerned when he finds out that nobody in Italian Girl's family speaks English. Gee whiz, Lorenzo, how can that be? I mean, they live in ITALY, but who would have expected that they speak Italian? Then again, it's not like they are claiming to be a "royal" family from America, who haven't used any of their resources to learn their native tongue.  Jackass.

Sure enough, the family meeting is really uncomfortable, as nobody understands each other. Italian Dad speaks a little English, but when he and Lorenzo go and have their little man to man sit down they aren't really able to communicate. It just sort of sucks.

But then they eat! Italians do know how to enjoy a meal. The family seems relaxed and happy with each other and they all dig right in. And Dad says that he likes Lorenzo, now that he has eaten with them. So things are looking up. Italian Brother puts on some music and they all get up and start dancing. At first this seems fun, but then they all put on hats and masks and it just gets weird. But Lorenzo seems to be enjoying it. And nobody threatened to kill him in this family, so that's a plus.

Lorenzo and Italian Girl have their goodnight kiss in the deep, dark shadows outside her door, which is very nice...for the viewers!

Back at the house, it's Rose Time. Who will he send home? Is a crazy dad a deal breaker? How about a language barrier? How about complete, insane desperation to get married? The G&S Girls pause to speculate. The Virgin seems safe, but who knows with those other three. He did seem to think he was on track with the Italians...

And the roses go to:

The Virgin, Jennifer and.....dramatic pause....Lisa! Wow! It is shocking that her craziness did not drive him away. Yet.

Lorenzo takes the Italian Girl aside to explain to her how the no English thing just doesn't work for him. They both cry a little and it's almost touching. But, you know, it's The Bachelor, so the sad moment passes in seconds.

Then there is this weird commentary from the crazy Socialite. Why is she still on the show? Is she stalking? Anyway, she says that the Virgin and Jen are both vanilla milkshakes...and Lisa is a vanilla milkshake with a cinnamon stick, chocolate sprinkles and beer (beer?) but she is a champagne-flavored milkshake! She says she's perfect for Lorenzo and he needs to "have a sip of that!" Wow. Her crazy leaves the G&S Girls speechless.  A champagne-flavored milkshake? 

Next week....overnight dates!

Gigi and Shakira 11.14.06