The Bachelor - Rome

Episode 3

This episode starts with a contest. The ladies are going to work with an opera coach to learn an aria. Hopefully some of the girls are karaoke aficionados like the G&S girls. Gigi and Shakira would have kicked ASS in this contest! Sadly, most of the girls kind of suck and the opera coach winces along with the audience. But Jami the Amazon sounds pretty damn good. So she is the winner of an individual date with the prince. Yay, Jami!

Jami is finally in something cute - a lovely, red gown that fits her perfectly. Lorenzo brings her a diamond necklace and earrings.

"Oh good, now she can take off the plastic stuff from Claire's Boutique!" Shakira snarks.

Lorenzo takes her to the opera house, but it's empty. Er, did he get the night wrong? Or is this supposed to be romantic? They drink some wine and then he makes Jami get up on stage to sing her aria for him. Yuck. A good date does not make his companion entertain him on command. Lorenzo is really bad at all of this.

Finally the real music starts and Jami acts utterly shocked. She simply cannot believe that they will be seeing a musical performance at the opera house. "Did you know about this???" she gasps to Lorenzo. For God's sake, Jami, use your contextual clues. It's an opera house. Encountering musical performers there might not be such an unusual event. Get a grip.

Lorenzo makes the moment as cheesy as possible by pulling her up for an awkward dance. So let's see: he can't kiss, he can't dance...yeah, he's going to be a phenomenon in the sack. A horrifying phenomenon.

The prince sits Jami back on the couch and tells her that it was "the most romantic evening of his life." And then he sends her packing. That's some logic for you. I guess he thought it was better to let her down with a compliment. We see her sniffling about it in the limo on the way to the airport. Adding insult to injury, her diamonds have been snatched away. Poor Jami.

Next there's a group date. It promises to be super lame, as they pile into one of those retirement home activity shuttles to be taken to Tuscany.

They go to a winery, maybe? They are on a patio in Tuscany drinking wine, anyway, and it's all beautiful and romantic, except for the fact that there are six girls and one inept guy. So not so much with the romance. Lorenzo is pontificating on how to experience the flavors of the wine. He does the pretentious sniff and swirl routine a few time, but ultimately he chugs it to prove that he's just one of the people.

Jeannette, who still reminds the G&S girls of Britney in her black hair days, pulls Lorenzo aside for a chat. They eat grapes and have a little boring small talk. He thinks that she is "hard to read," but of course he likes that. Gigi snorts, as this is probably the main reason she ever got any second dates. Her quietness always made her seem mysterious to the menz. Gigi is not mysterious, she's an introvert. It's not so complicated. But Lorenzo, not familiar with personality types, is intrigued by the puzzle of Jeannette. Jeannette plays it up by saying that she "won't throw herself at him." Good work, Jeannette! Too bad she keeps squinting in the sun while her sunglasses are perched atop her head. Shaded eyes and less squinting would have added to the mystery!

Lisa, the girl with The Plan, bitches about how this group date is not as romantic as her individual date. This wins her much scorn from the Fallen Mormon.

Meanwhile, the only two left at the House of Desperation are the Italian Girl and the Socialite. Lock yourself in a room alone, Italian Girl!!! The Socialite tells the camera in a sing-song baby voice that the Italian Girl "hangs around annoyingly alot." The G&S girls marvel at the artful way she uses her college vocabulary, and by the way, Pot meet Kettle! Her lack of self awareness is truly amazing.

Strangely, they are going on a two-fer group date. They get the date box, which contains a mean little rhyme: "One rose. One stays, one goes." Who thinks Lorenzo wrote that himself?

Italian Girl laughs and says, "That rose is mine!"

"I don't think so, bitch!" The Socialite's whole face darkens. If the cameras weren't on, she would have probably set the Italian Girl on fire.

Italian girl tells the camera that the Socialite is "crazy and not very beautiful." Truer words have never been spoken in the House of Desperation.

The rest of the gang is in some house in Tuscany, chilling by the pool and drinking for the evening. The Virgin decides that the time is right to lay the V-Bomb on Lorenzo. She informs him, "I am saving myself for marriage." The G&S girls find this way of saying it a little creepy. By "myself" she seems to mean her vagina. It's just sort of weird and icky. Lorenzo is not at all ooked out, though. And why would he be? With his technique, this could only work in his favor.

Lisa and Lorenzo have a talk and he asks her if he can kiss her. Ick. He ambles in for another gross and awkward kiss. He seems to put his lips over hers and then not move them. Blah. Just seeing this brings up that horrifying feeling the G&S girls used to get in the pits of their stomachs when encountering the bad kiss.

"I had a couple of months of atrociously bad kisses in '03. That's when I got the Swirl." Gigi says solemnly. The Swirl kiss nearly put Gigi into retirement from dating.  She suspects that the Swirl is coming up in Lorenzo's bag o' make out tricks. Ugh.

Lisa unconvincingly tells Lorenzo that the kiss was "really nice." Lorenzo says he could do it again and Lisa says, "Let's do it later!" Hee!

She then tells the camera that The Plan is working. Oh you lucky girl!

Meanwhile the Socialite tells Italian Girl that they need to get their beauty sleep. Lock your door, Italian Girl. She is totally going to Nair your eyebrows while you're unconscious.

The Socialite seems to be speaking in this slow, odd way...even for her. She lets us know that she is helping Italian Girl to understand her because she is talking slowly and using an Italian accent. "I go sleep now." she informs Italian Girl. She sounds like Tarzan. And she is a complete retard.

The party keeps going in Tuscany with a boring truth or dare game, more awkward kissing, and finally a rose! He gives the flower to the mysterious Jeannette! The rest of the girls are enraged. Lisa mutters about The Plan. The Virgin fears she has ruined her chances with Lorenzo by dropping the V-Bomb. Shakira fears the Virgin has ruined her chances for a healthy adult sex life by "saving herself."

The next evening is the two-fer date. Creative Lorenzo decides that they should just stay in at his house and eat pizza. He also tells them they can wear his clothes. That smacks of some kind of fetishy behavior to the G&S girls. So they sit on his bed together and eat pizza and then he takes each of them aside for an individual chat.

The Socialite tries to impress him by saying that none of this fancy stuff is a novelty to her. Yeah, Socialite, pizza in bed is not a novelty to the G&S girls, either.  But she says that this lack of awe at his lifestyle makes her the perfect match for him.

Then Lorenzo chats with the Italian Girl. They seem to be having a good time, which annoys the socialite. She spies on them and then interrupts their chat by yelling from the balcony at them.  Classy!

So naturally, Lorenzo gives the Italian Girl the rose. He tries to let the Socialite down easily, but she is letting the crazy fly at this point. She sobs about how he has judged her and yells at him. Then she sobs more in the back of the limo, saying "Every guy has judged me because I'm pretty and smart and come from a privileged background." Yeah sure Socialite. They could also be judging because your fake boobs are attached to complete INSANITY. Did the producers find this chick at a mental hospital?

She rants, "Guys want a poor girl so that they can be Prince Charming. They don't want their co-equal!" She rants more about wanting her "co-equal." That must be another one of her fancy college words.

Rose Ceremony time at the House of Desperation. There's one girl left to get the princely boot of rejection. How embarrassing!

Lorenzo gives the roses to:

The Virgin

Lisa of The Plan

Jennifer the Teacher

Fallen Mormon

So pinched face Gina is going bye-bye. She says she is "devastated" and that she would have given her everything to him...her life, her children. Yikes. She says she "really truly felt something for him." The G&S girls think you'll get over it, Gina. Rumor has it that it takes half as long as the entirety of the relationship to get over it, so you probably have another devastated hour to go.

Six left.

Gigi and Shakira 11.6.06