The Bachelor: Rome: Episode 2

The voiceover grimly informs us, "There are 12 girls and only 9 roses!" Eeeeeek. Three girls are gonna go home crying tonight. Let's get to it!

There will be individual dates for one foxy bachelorette of Lorenzo's choosing and two group dates so that the rest of the hos can claw each others' eyes out to get his attention. The girl on the individual date will really have to wow Lorenzo, as he will either give her a rose or send her packing immediately following the date. No pressure....actually, Lorenzo does not seem particularly hard to wow. Not a complicated man, our prince. Luckily, the bachelorettes do not seem to mind!

So Lisa, the tree-hugger/diamond snagger from episode 1 gets the first individual date. No real surprise, there. The rest of the girls swallow that bitter pill with minimal whining, as the first Date Box arrives. They bounce around squealing like they won the lottery. Get a grip, girls. There's obviously a joke somewhere with the whole Date Box thing, but the G&S girls are not drinking and it does not come to them. It seems like the ladies will get to go do some touristy crap with Lorenzo on their date. Fun!

But first the Italian girl lets us know that she "not speak lot English." Yes, thanks for letting us know. Actually in fairness to her, that's about the least coherent thing she's said on the show. For the most part she seems really sweet and normal.

Lorenzo thinks that Italian Girl is his puppet. He makes her say "You're a handsome man and I'm in love with you" to him.

"What a LOSER!!!" Gigi yells at the screen. "Dude, get a parrot or something!" The G&S girls thought that the Bachelor was supposed to have some mojo, but clearly they are scraping the bottom of the barrel this season. The G&S girls wish that Italian Girl would say something like, "I bet you are hung like a grasshopper" back to him in Italian.

Her English perfectly clear when she says, "American girls are crazy!" Girl, you may be living with eleven of the craziest crazies in Crazyville.

And speaking of crazy, The Socialite rants about how she does not like sharing a room and is very upset that there are no maids. She says that she's going to get one of the other girls to clean up after her. What planet is this girl from? The G&S girls would think she was kidding, but she doesn't actually seem smart enough to kid.

Group Date 1. All of them get on scooters and ride around Rome. Wheee. The Socialite informs everyone that her "license has expired' (do socialites even NEED licenses?) so she gets on the back of Lorenzo's scooter. She proceeds to babble incessantly in his ear, making the G&S girls actually feel sorry for him. She regales him with tales of her love history: "When I was like, sixteen, I had my first boyfriend and we like had sex." Blah blah blah.

Lorenzo cuts in some time after her fascinating teen years to say, "What have you been doing since then?" Is he thinking "mental hospital" or is it just us?

"Waiting for you," she purrs. Lorenzo actually looks disgusted at this and rolls his eyes.

The whole scooter gang seems to go around and around the Colesium forever...until it gets dark. Zzzzzzzzz. Finally they get off of the scooters and find out that they each get to pick a fabulous new gown to wear! The G&S girls wonder if the show has tailors on site or if all of the girls are the same size. It's a mystery.

When the girls are dressed up, it's time to start drinking and bitching. Jami the Amazon hates The Socialite. The Socialite hates Jami right back. Rrreow! Let the cat-fighting begin.

The Socialite pulls Lorenzo aside and they have a weird talk about the other girls, where she tells him that Jami is not a good match for him because she didn't go to college. Lorenzo tells her that doesn't matter and that he only cares about what is in a person's heart. The Socialite tells him that she cares about background because she "likes to have nice conversations with people." BWAH!!! This is a girl who can barely utter a complete sentence without saying "like" ten times. But now she's all about the intellectual conversations.

The Socialite knows she fucked up, but she's not smart enough to back pedal well, so she runs away and gets all weepy. She blubbers, "He grew up even more privileged than I did and he doesn't judge people and I do. And I don't know WHYYYYYYY!!!!!!"

"Could it be because you're a stupid bitch?" Shakira asks.

Meanwhile Lorenzo and the Virgin have a little talk. Oooh, will she drop the v-bomb? Nope, not yet. Lorenzo thinks the Virgin "has it all, beauty, brains...."

"...and an intact hymen!" adds Gigi. Wow, she really does have it all.

Lorenzo thinks the virgin is really opening up to him.

"Not completely..." snarks Shakira.

So the Virgin gets a rose, which causes The Socialite to have a huge temper tantrum about how Lorenzo doesn't want a "real princess."

Tree Hugging Lisa is very confident about her individual date. She just knows Lorenzo won't be sending her home. She goes through her Master Plan timeline for the camera once again: One year of dating, one year engagement, the marriage, then kids after two years of marriage. Yep, she's still scary. She says that she's watched The Bachelor in previous seasons, and she thinks that this process works. Is she talking about this show? This show she is ON? Doesn't this show have a success rate of zero?

Cut to the date, where Lorenzo is saying that he thinks some people marry just because they have a "plan to be married by 30." Hehehehehe. Lisa looks absolutely horrified, but she covers it and agrees with him, because like any good Rules girl, she is going to be her fakest self until she wins his ass over! She tells the camera that she will tell him all about the Plan....later. Uh-huh.

They have a romantic dinner of...burgers? Yes, they are in Rome, eating burgers. Jesus. Then Lorenzo gives her the rose, because why wouldn't he? She's been pretending to be exactly what he wants. Good work, Lisa! Anything for The Plan.

Back at the House of Desperation, the girls are all talking about when they lost their virginity. Of course they find out about the Virgin. Which bitch is going to reveal her secret to Lorenzo? The G&S girls predict it will be The Socialite or the Fallen Mormon.

Group Date 2. Lorenzo brings a helicopter to the house and the girls go wild as if it were Elvis about to emerge from the chopper, instead of that dork Lorenzo.

They find out that Group Date 2 will be at the beach. It really wouldn't be the Bachelor without a Beach Date.

The Fallen Mormon gushes about how they get to see Lorenzo with his shirt off and how he's soooooo HOT!!! Er....Lorenzo looks like a 15-year-old boy with his shirt off. What kind of happy pills are these girls taking? He needs to cover his scrawny chest immediately.

The Mormon gets to Lorenzo first and tells him that she is "ready for love!" and how she's the type of girl who would just show up at a guy's office by surprise, for some nookie! She tells him she "just loves being intimate!" Lorenzo just looks scared.

The Sarah Jessica Parker look-alike gets absolutely stinkin' drunk at the Beach Date. She hiccups, gropes herself and calls her boobs pancakes before she passes out cold in her beach chair. Holy shit!

Lorenzo misses all of this because he's talking to Bland Jennifer the Teacher who wins him over by doing some cheerleading moves in her bathing suit. He gives her the rose.

He then decides that he should wake the drunk Sarah Jessica, and he gives her a couple of gentle nudges. Her eyes snap open and she seems to start speaking in tongues! She says words like, "helletz" and "blasphemy!" and "loof." She also seems to think Lorenzo is the waiter. Straight to rehab for you, Sarah Jessica! You are a mess!!

But first, more drinking! It's time for the weekly cocktail party at the Bachelor's house. Lorenzo tells the ladies, "This place is beautiful, but not as beautiful as all of you." Oh what a sweet talking devil he is. The girls devour that cheese as if he was giving them poetry.

Italian Girl and Lorenzo attempt another conversation, but she is getting bored, so she leans in to kiss him. He looks completely awkward throughout the whole thing, but claims that he LOVED it. Oh man. If that kiss was any indicator....and kisses usually are...Lorenzo is HORRIBLE in the sack.

Lisa gets caught trashing the Virgin and Ellen (who?) to Lorenzo. Well, she doesn't actually trash them, she just implies the trash talk by calling, "Quit talking crap about me," to them as she walks away with Lorenzo, and then we hear her saying something like, "Oh those two...blah blah blah," to him. She is so going to get her ass kicked. And Ellen, in fact, later gives her a good verbal ass-kicking about it, which makes Lisa cry hysterically and run away.

Sarah Jessica pulls Lorenzo aside to make a bunch of excuses for her alcoholism, saying that she was just really tired and needed a nap. Lorenzo is all, "Sure, sure," with some nice co-dependent sweeping under the carpet.

Jami the Amazon and the Fallen Mormon get bored, so they decide to "explore the house" which means that they go to Lorenzo's room and snoop in his stuff. They pull out his clothes and roll around in his sheets. He comes in and catches them before they eat all of the crotches out of his underwear. Lorenzo is thrilled to have two girls in his bedroom, but before they can make some porn happen, the rest of the girls start pouring in. Somehow music starts playing and they all start dancing. The Socialite does an interesting "dance" where she gets on all fours on his bed and shakes her ass around like a doggy wagging its tail. Class-ay!

She's feeling more confident about Lorenzo and says, "He's royalty, not a commoner, and he definitely needs me."

"She doesn't want him, she wants to restore the aristocracy," Shakira opines.

FINALLY it's time for the Rose Ceremony. This week's big winners are:

Jeanette - Did she even talk to Lorenzo this week?
Fallen Mormon - He thinks she's a "total nut, but he loves it!"
Jami the Amazon - She's wearing another awful outfit.
Gina - She's still pinch faced and grouchy.
Italian Girl - She's still way too good for Lorenzo.
The Socialite - (!) The producers must have made him keep her for the ratings.

So Sarah Jessica, Ellen and the Canadian are out. They boo-hoo-hoo the usual crap about giving their hearts (to a guy they've probably each spent less than 20 minutes talking to) and Sarah Jessica throws out more lame excuses about her drunken coma. Whatever girl, we all saw you speaking gibberish and fondling yourself. It's over. Suck it up.

Scenes from the next week show more and more crazy, especially from The Socialite! Stay tuned.

-Gigi and Shakira 10.15.06