The Bachelor: Rome: Episode 1

It's time for another exciting season of The Bachelor!

"Has love ever truly been found on The Bachelor?" Gigi wonders.

"Well there was that whole Trista/Ryan thing, but that was technically The Bachelorette." Shakira shakes her head. "It's a wonder these ladies keep trying, seeing as the odds are not in their favor."

As the show opens, a voiceover announces, "The Bachelor has always been about love and romance...."

"I thought it was about back-stabbing and desperation," muses Shakira.

One of the lucky bachelorettes squeals, "To marry a prince is EVERY girl's dream!!!" Uh.....no. While both of the G&S girls enjoy the wearing of tiaras, neither has ever wished to marry a prince. Gigi once had a crush on Prince (Purple Rain phase) but that's not quite the same.

"Are there any cute princes? My mind keeps stalling at Charles," says Gigi.

Shakira thinks about it. "William? Harry? One of them is a hottie. But I think they're both jailbait."

The Bachelor prince is named Lorenzo. Mmmm...Lorenzo is a very sexy name. Unfortunately, Prince Lorenzo is not a very sexy guy. Not at first sight anyway. He seems more like a dorky trustafarian. And they can't tell what he's the prince of. Italy? Sicily? New Jersey?

Apparently one of Lorenzo's forefathers was a Pope and that is where they got the title. Er...ok. He has no ruling power or anything, just the title. One of Gigi's relatives was a monk, could she be a minor Dutchess or something? Lorenzo uses his princely powers to import cosmetics, which is a business his grandmother started...but somehow he professes to be a self-made man. Yeah...just like the Hilton sisters.

Lorenzo flies planes for fun. Wheeeee! "Well now we know how Lorenzo's gonna die!" hormonal Gigi snarks. But seriously, the winning bachelorette should really make sure she's got a good life insurance policy on Lorenzo. Just in case!

Time to meet the bachelorettes, and there are really too many to remember. There are a few standouts, though.

Erica from Houston is a "Socialite." What? Is that her job? What exactly does that entail? She shows off her giant closet and grouses about her maid, and it soon becomes clear that she's aspiring to be the next Paris. Just what the world needs!

Brit from Ohio is a beer chemist! She is instantly a G&S favorite.

Jami the second Texan girl seems very nice, and she's really tall! But she is packing some of the fugliest clothes imaginable...

Californian Kim is an interior designer who looks strikingly like Sarah Jessica Parker. She tells the camera that she believes in fairy tales. Gigi's morning sickness threatens to return.

Rosella from Chicago is a makeup artist....who looks like she may have applied her entire trade to her face at once. She is actually Italian and speaks the language, so she does have that in her favor.

Desiree, a realtor from Utah, announces that she's going to "kiss that cute little frog!!" What the hell is she talking about?

Next the Bachelor meets the ladies. He drools after most of them, and turns to watch them walk away. It seems the Prince is an Ass Man. The girls predict that if he doesn't drool and check out the booty, the girl is a goner.

So the party begins! One of them will get both a rose and a pair of diamond earrings this evening. And they are really gorgeous earrings. The ladies immediately get to drinking and saying nasty things about each other. Guess diamonds really are a girl's best friend! Who needs sisters when you can have sparkly jewels?

The Socialite jumps right on the bitchy bandwagon, saying that a lot of the girls have "tattoos and didn't go to college!" The G&S girls wonder about the rigorous course of study it took to become a socialite. It must have been exhausting.

Rosella seems like a tough beyotch. But she speaks some gorgeous Italian. Sadly, Prince Lorenzo cares little about his heritage and did not bother to learn his mother tongue, so her talents are wasted on him.

Meanwhile Desiree the Utah girl is getting deeeerunk! And her dress is really unflattering. She hangs all over Lorenzo, repeatedly calls him "baby" and does a little dance for him. He totally eats it up until she tries to get him to kiss her. Then all of a sudden he gets all flustered. Probably remembered he was on camera and the rest of the royal family was watching while he got a lap dance from a fallen Mormon. Classy!

Lisa is cute but scary. She's one of those girls with a Master Plan, where her goal is to be married by the age of 27, after being engaged a year, which means she has exactly a year to meet and fall in love with Mr. Right. Luckily, she does not share this frightening plan with Lorenzo. Instead she gets him to hug a tree with her...a move she surely got out of some Meet and Rope Your Man type of self-help book. "Show him your fun, yet nature-loving side!"

Andrea is getting no love, probably because she looks a little lesbionic. Come on, Andrea. What are you doing on the Bachelor? You don't really want to be ON the bachelor...She decides to get Lorenzo's attention by standing up on a balcony and singing at him. A bold move to be sure. The tune is pretty, but the whole thing is just weird and hilarious. Especially when the girls who were talking to him get super pissy about it. One of them tries in vain to continue her lame conversation, but he ignore her and she pouts. And the bold move gets Andrea nowhere. Lorenzo never approaches.

Sadie, who is the most fairy-tale-princess-looking of the girls, tells the camera that she is "saving herself for marriage." Aaack! The G&S girls simply cannot endorse! Sadie, no!!!! For the sake of your future sexual satisfaction, the girls implore you to reconsider. You need to have a point of reference, girl. Just trust G&S on this. Because a guy who is actually SEEKING a virgin? Is doing it for a reason...and it's not because he's afraid to unleash his amazing sexual powers on to the world. More likely it's because he's afflicted with microphallus.

Next the host brings in two gorgeous Italian bachelorettes, just to whip the cat-fighting into to a foamy desperation frenzy! Lorenzo drools, then stutters in his lame ass Italian to the exotic new ladies, while the American bitches fume.

Lorenzo decides gives the rose and diamonds to tree-hugging Lisa. Ha! Her ploy worked. She immediately begins gloating to the other girls and they shoot daggers at her pretty earrings with their eyes. Yikes. Check under your bed before going to sleep tonight, Lisa.

More and more cat-fighting ensues. This show should NEVER be two hours long. This stuff gets old really fast.

FINALLY it's time for the rose ceremony. The "lucky" bachelorettes are:

Kim - the Sarah Jessica look-alike
Jeannette - a teacher with fakey-looking black hair
Jami - the Amazon woman from Galvestion
Ellen - who?
Sarah - the Canadian girl
Desiree - the Mormon hoochie
Jennifer - a boring teacher
Gina - pinch-faced with a perma-snarl
Erica - the socialite
Sadie - the virgin
Agnese - one of the Italians who doesn't speak English

The G&S girls are sad for Rosella, the makeup artist, because she apparently sold her car to get on the show. Hope it wasn't a nice one. Hey, take the rest of that money and spend the week in Rome. There are plenty of good-looking guys there who don't have to go on TV to get a date.

The rest of the season looks to be extra bitchy with many, many tears. Your intrepid G&S reporters will watch and report back for as long as they can stand it. Until then, ciao!

-Gigi and Shakira 09.10.06