Review: A Phone Date

Gigi: I think that’s why I broke up with Puffy. I was worried he was going to get reaaaally fat. Is that shallow?

Shakira: No way! You know, like pudgy is okay. But, like…not fitting into a movie seat? Ewww.

Gigi: Yeah, his belly sometimes pressed into my navel ring…in uh…intimate moments. Totally killed the mood for me. I kept thinking, “This is only going to get worse!”

Shakira: Hmmm. You think Nurse Egon ever got fat?

Gigi: His thighs did. Remember?

Shakira: Oh yeah. Big thighs. Walking up those stairs. Hey, I totally had a freakout moment the other day in the airport when I thought I saw him. This guy was the spitting image. Did you ever notice that weird double-jointed knee thing where they looked like they bent backwards?

Gigi: Yup. Yeah, I remember that.

Shakira: Turned out not to be him—that guy in the airport. So, does this ever happen to you? You feel so super ugly one week and that’s the week you get hit on?

Gigi: Yes! Some guy ran to hold the door for me the week I had the pox! I was wondering if he had some sort of sick-girl fetish. Like maybe he wanted to take my temperature…

Shakira: It does wonders for your self-esteem. So check out the dweeb who hit on me this week at the store. You know what his line was? “So, what are the chances of me taking you out to dinner this week? Slim to none?”

Gigi: Oh God, THAT was his line? Slim to none? “You are correct, sir! Let’s go with none!” What a loser.

Shakira: He makes my skin crawl. And then the next day? He said that dinner was going to be “strictly business.”

Gigi: Ewwwwwww! Why is that so gross? It’s sort of sleazy in that 80s way.

Shakira: Check it out—it gets better. He told my friend at work that I was “easy on the eyes.”

Gigi: EASY ON THE EYES?! Oh man, he totally thought about how you were “easy on the eyes” last night in his water bed.

Shakira: With the mirrored headboard!

Gigi: Oh God. Oh gross. I bet he’s one of those who would totally move in for the kiss after the “strictly business” dinner. Maybe he’d tell you “I have some more pressing business right here in my pants…” hehehehehe

Shakira: Ew!! And I bet he’s also one of those stupid guys who thinks he needs to help me learn how to drink martinis, like Smooth Operator. “Here, try a martini and a cigar.” Like, “Thanks for your advice, because you’re ancient!”

Gigi: “Yeah, is that what they drank in the Great Depression?” Remember when I went out on the date with the Professor Formerly Known as Fabio? He was working all his Viagra-fueled magic on me. He was outta control…just divorced and on the prowl. Ewww, you’d definitely get an “easy on the eyes” swirl martini kiss from Mr. Strictly Business!

Shakira: Ewwww, The Swirl. Oh gross. What is up with the newly divorced guys?

Gigi: They’re hungry like the wolf… They think they’re super-studly and they throw around the lines like nobody else. It’s crazy.

Shakira: I know…sometimes it’s entertaining, though. What’s the craziest line you’ve ever gotten?

Gigi: Well Professor Fabio looked deep into my eyes and said, “Gigi, you are a beautiful lady…and any man who’d let you go is a total fool.” And this was in the first five minutes of our date. I wasn’t sure how to respond. “Uh, it’s nice to see you again too, Fabio!” Maybe stuff like that worked for him in the 70s…

Shakira: Ew, I hope not. I would think the badness of that line transcends all decades.

-Gigi and Shakira 10.25.03