I Promise I Still Love You Eddie

Traffic on I-35 is rather heavy. And a little cute, according to Gigi. She car-flirts so that Shakira can change lanes. Thanks handsome! Further down the highway, the girls spy a truck transporting what appears to be a huge duct tape ball. Is that Pee-Wee Herman?

The girls "Fill her up" at a roadside gas station, where Gigi is intrigued by the selections in the restroom vending machine.

"This thing says it's a special treat for the ladies," she tells Shakira. "I got us both one." It's the Foreplay Arouser: A finger tickler designed to provide total stimulation. Hmm.

Back in the car, the girls wax philosophically about snack chips. "God bless the man who made Doritos," Shakira says.

"These are delicious!" Gigi concurs.

"I mean, he took queso and chips and combined them! Pure genius!" Shakira continues.

At the venue, the girls head to the ticket line and are searched by un-cute men. Un-Cute tells Shakira she can't bring in her binoculars. Hello, what the hell? Look at the web site. It's clearly defined. FAQ # 8, dude. Look it up.

"Bastards," Shakira mutters, as she hands over her binoculars. This is the last time she will ever see them again.

The girls pick up beer and find a spot on the lawn. Shakira decides to unpack the Foreplay Arouser just to see what it looks like. Gigi laughs so hard that she must lie down. It resembles a rooster. That's all they can say. You'll have to get your own.

The opening act is Sleater-Kinney, a chick group. And pretty good! But Shakira is wild to see Eddie. Hurry up! Sleater-Kinney win a place in Gig's heart when they dedicate their version of CCR's "Fortunate Son" to the guy holding the peace sign.

Finally. Finally. Eddie takes the stage. New haircut. Rawr. Cute. No words. The girls are entranced for the next two hours. Shakira keeps yelling the lyrics to Gigi, explaining the genius that is Eddie's songwriting. Gigi is busy watching Mike McCready wail on his guitar. And it's his birthday today! Gigi wants to give him a special present. How about the Foreplay Arouser?

Shakira is disappointed that after Eddie's anti-war display in Denver, there is no war talk. He sings "I Am A Patriot," in sort of a mild protest. But Shakira was looking forward to some Bush-stomping. Damn! But he busts out the old favorites: "Black," "Alive," "Better Man" and "Crazy Mary." The audience also gets to sing "Happy Birthday" to Mike McCready twice. Eddie smashes a cake into his face the second time, but ol' Mike just keeps on playing. What talent! After two encores and a whopping 29 songs, Pearl Jam is finally done. And well done!

However, Verizon again proves its shittiness by prohibiting the concert-goers' post-show roll down the hill. This is something Shakira has enjoyed countless times in the past. What a bummer, dude. Verizon, again, you suck. And stop charging six dollars a beer.

At the Binocular Reclaim Window, Shakira discovers she has lost her ticket, and therefore, her claim to her binoculars. Gigi uses her flirting powers again to get the Teenage Counter Boy to procure a root beer for her. At least they don't leave empty-handed.

To sum it up: Pearl Jam rocks! Yes! Verizon sucks! Ass!

-Gigi and Shakira 04.13.03