Overheard

I have a love compass...maybe you find that amusing.

I can masturbate to history if I want to. It's old, it's historical, and it doesn't threaten you.

Speaking of dick tricks...

Never run down the street while wearing a tube top. Trust me.

Beer before liquor...I'm drunk.

So, this little Guido was talking to me...

"I licked you--are you mad?"
"Quit being a freak."

Pipe down while I molest you.

I will be bringing the pain the whole time.

I don't know--you're the band geek.

I'm into these guys, but not into the gay thing.

Take another drink, Boozy.

Move on, Cap'n Crazy.

Face time with Cheney means buckshot.

Merry Christmas. We're about to walk the tab.

Selling ice cream is non-threatening capitalism.

“What is it?”
“Told you it was weird.”

We are the best-looking straight couple here.

How tough can a cop be in a Dodge Neon?

If the shit goes down, get me an abogado and get me the fuck out of here.

The litmus test for whether or not something looks ridiculous: if you knew me and didn't like me, would you laugh at me?

Not coming here with my mom; not coming here as a mom.

You speak directly to my loins.

In our generation, the crowning moment of achieving your identity is figuring out what you are offended by.

Six-three and 270 pounds of Texas flag—that's my grandpa.

I'm fucked up dude. Leave me alone.

We should have a tongue-off!

The Koreans don't care.

How am I going to make it through the weekend without my moleskin?

I'm all Jay Leno and shit. What's up with my chin?

Mojo-wise, I think we're covered.

I hate Sandra Bullock. I wish she would be lit on fire and run over.

Why do the Germans wear their pants so high? I can see all their garbage.

There's nothing wrong with getting a little beauty under your belt.

He's square...like he doesn't swing.

And then I said, "Are we gonna have sex or what?"

Hey. I think you're drunk.

People vie for my friendship.

Faces, people, facts, math...they get me down.

We got fucked up like a football bat.

I think he was trying to dance with this girl but it didn't look like dancing at all.

You're never too old for a beer bong.

I never would have thought the rocket scientists would make the rednecks look smart.

Sunlight is like terror--you have to be vigilant against it.

I hate this song. It's about quitting drinking, and that's the saddest thing I can think of.

Having a baby is the new black.

I love my harmonica fantasy.

Nobody wants a Swoop Moratorium.

He didn't want do it. He wanted to talk.

Mailing is hard. Unless it's email.

That mustard is deceptive.

Big dick. Big problems.

I would say I’m going to miss you too, but I don’t believe in an afterlife. So I’ll just be dead.

I'm very verbose; I can't really be funny in four words.

I was ambushed by your hotness.

You don't want to start the day flipping off your husband.

You forget you're so beautiful because you're so busy being you.

Where my bastards at?

Just taking the ladies for the conjugals.

"Do you remember the Jack Wagner album I used to play all the time when we were kids?"
"Yes. How could I not remember the line, The glow of your cigarette is liiiikkke a shooooting star? The man was a lyrical wizard."

I'm kinda slutty.

We should start a dating service! We could call it "Just Add Alcohol!" Hmmm....probably a lot of liabilities there.

Am I thinking about my liver? Hell no, I don't care about my liver.

We gotta jump on this mine for her.

Poor Fabio, with nothing better to do than masturbate for tourists.

Welcome to motherhood, sister.

It's really hard to get revenge on a dog.

I'll smoke myself into the grave.

I've known some Texas men, and they keep a tight rein on their wives.

It’s not like it’s magic. It’s technology.

We’re told this is the place where Charles Dickens wrote. At some point, it doesn’t matter anymore.

Sometimes we all want to be happy.

Do I have to think of myself as a victim?

We discuss the pros and cons of teleportation. Tin foil, teleportation zones, body parts in the wrong place.

Thunderbird and Vicodin: a winning combination.

The spaghetti strap is sexier and can also result in more skin being shown due to a lack of structure.

You’ve never seen anything more psychotic than a future mother-in-law.

With you guys, dinner is always an event.

11:30 is lame. I look too smokin’ hot to go home.

Don't you love when an inital set transcends marriage and singledom?

I'm screwing a lot of things right now.

What do you think it says about people who have aquariums?

You're not a bad Texan. You're just not a great Texan--yet. Which is hard to do, because there are a lot of great Texans.

When you roll with P, you roll in style.

I can't play. Apparently I'm being prohibited.

It's an evil machine.

"I'm sorry this happened to you."
"That's truckin'."

That's what happens when you're just hanging out having sex.

You just quoted Milli Vanilli. Without irony.

Would you like Fabio to masturbate for you?

It's all tricks.

We gross everyone out with our schmooping.

At least we can say we got laid at a swingers party!

Despite his not having legs and the fact we used someone else's legs, he beat us here.

Carne Guisado. It's for men.

What kind of a goat fuck operation are you running down there?

One of my lesser friends at work--I can't even remember him right now.

Nobody wants to specialize in sucking.

Light up buttercup!

"Just love me."
"I'm trying."

I'm a huge fan of the jet pack.

"You can't love what you don't know."
"I love everything except what I don't love."

I do shave my chest.

She wants to be a party planner for a living. I just want to party.

It's midnight. Can I snuggle you?

Tom Cruise is a stupid little man.

It's too hot for hookin'.

We just might be bitches.

Why are you all treating me like a drunk?

What the fuck is the internet?

Splash down. I got his ass.

She’s got that look in her eyes—like I’m a whore.

I’m rubbing elbows, bunny.

You better under perform your ass off.

This is one of the bands from the 80s that doesn’t suck.

Anything noble I’ve said is way gone from the short term memory.

When my shit falls off, then we'll know.

We are looking fabulous this evening. We should take more pictures.

They call me The Spoon. I stir things up.

Northern efficiency and Southern hospitality: I live on the equator.

No, I’m not mad. I’m consciously trying not to puke right now.

If you want hepatitis, go to the bathroom here.

“Open Arms” will be played at my wedding.

It’s either my ass or my boobs—both of which are fantastic.

Why is everything wet?

Get your legs off my chair. You’re acting like a drunk asshole.

Beer and liquor: it’s not just for cooking.

The ante must be upped.

It's a shame for them that we're taken.

Girls, we’re all too old to puke on the street.

You don’t even want to try because you don’t give that much of a fuck.

I’m a left-handed person in a right-handed world.

I’m staring scandalous in the face.

Beware of tall women—they might be men.

Paris Hilton has huge feet. She’s like Big Foot but not hairy.

Men are retarded.

Russian planes crash because all pilots are drunk on vodka.

Hey, his tits are wet. That’s his Indian name.

I know how to identify a wood.

“There was this guy who got let out prison because he had a perpetual hard on. It was in Czechloslovakia or something.”
“That’s why they let him out of prison?”
“Okay, I made that part up.”

Whatever. It's not like it raises my numbers.

In jail, you have to espeaka da Spanish.

Amazing. Low-rise jeans can make anyone look fat.

"I've never seen you look prettier than tonight."
"Wow. Because I usually look damn pretty."

It's not like I sit around all day eating bon-bons and waiting for your ass to call.

There is no commentary on my dysfunction.

I don't want to go through life winded.

"It's true...well, it's almost true."
"It's more like True's next door neighbor, Mrs. McLie."

"It's really easy."
"Yeah, it's sleazy easy."
"That's our motto in the archive."

"You look tired!"
"You look fat!"

Let's go to upscale bars and tell guys we're marine biologists.

We're gonna read the shit out of that bitch's books.

If we took an iron to you we couldn't get a straight answer.

You know I always wake up racially intolerant when I'm hungover.

This place is one assistant manager away from becoming Lord of the Flies.

My shit is wrecked.

Every time I almost forgot I was in a third world country the lights went out.

How alluring is "Blunt Party at 12:30 on a Monday" to people who have to work tomorrow?

If you're fat, I'm a chubby chaser.

That's very offensive. Which is exactly what I'll tell the clerk at the porn store when I buy it.

You don't want to die with a ball in your mouth.

She swang a little bit.

She does have great tits. Like me.

I'm a natural born nipper.

"Hookin'" is one of my favorite verbs.

The small secret that keeps giving--but only for a little while.

Bourtney!

Common sense is making a comeback.

She's dangerous because she doesn't seem crazy.

I'm so versatile on the whole race thing.

The only musical I like is South Park: The Movie.

I just get in where I fit in.

Back when I was idealistic--when I was 20.

Being a waiter is like a mind fuck.

Cocksmokes.

He's like me if I actually became something.

I have many talents. Unfortunately, most of them don't belong on a resume.

Don't sweat anything petty and don't pet anything sweaty.

Suck on it, Frenchie.

"This is my first time skiing with a buzz."
"Let's keep that to ourselves."

"Are we drunk?"
"I don't know."

"I want twelve inches!"
"That's what your wife said."

We just debated the proper spelling of Deion.

The most believable architechtural stone veneer IN THE WORLD...now, that's a mission statement.

Once upon a time, I couldn't say the word...penis.

Working out is not really working out for me.

Raising Arizona: it's not only a cinematic triumph, but a cultural benchmark for America.

There's nothing funny about having a personal assistant on the set of Beverly Hills Ninja to keep you off crack.

Austin Interfaith: It's like the Voltron of God's Fan Clubs.

After a few days of drinking, smoking, gambling and screwing hookers, you just want to see a panda.

You know I can't talk with this thing in my mouth.

I like a good penis joke.

That's a hustle I need to get into!

"Sorry, it's a little big."
"That's ok, I like it big."

"Sometimes the f-word is the most appropriate response. You just have to say 'FUCK!'"
"Yeah Mom, I have to agree."

I'm really depressed. You better come over and sex me up.

"Why does your phone play that porn music?"
"It's my theme song."

I’m not big on other governments.

I don’t know if anyone else humps as earnestly as we do.

Do I hear a slurricane blowing in?

I don’t know who’s putting together the yearbook around here, but they’re lucky we’re in it.

I don’t kiss douches…anymore.

Will you smoke it with me? Or, at least, suck on it?

Then you “vosotros” the shit out of everybody.

I’m sorry—is my cock blocking your view?

All the Irish in the house say, “yeah.”

It’s a little move I like to call: “Penis Flytrap.”

“Do you think the rain’s blown over?”
“You got blown over.”

“Do you like being petted?”
“Mmmhmmm. I like heavy petting.”

I’m going to wreak hammock.

Couple of hot 70s zombies. They’re fembots.

Sexual tension meets Catholic guilt.

“You need some cizash?”
“You can throw some bones if you want. Got a tenner?”

Your lion will try to eat my monkey.

I mean, with that last one, I think dust came out.

We are the International Couple of Intrigue.

Is it my keen sense of irony or my scathing wit?

See packaging for details about performance benefits.

Though I rollerskate, I’m straight.

Ghostbusters? It was the intersection of soundtrack and characters. It was a cultural booyah.

It doesn't mean I'm not funny; it just means that you're stupid.

They just let the government out for Christmas.

Now I can forge ahead with my lamp-collecting.

I'm the muthfucka who fuckin' makes the muthfuckin' rulz around here.

Back off, state lady!

If I can't tell whether or not you're a boy or a girl, don't talk to me while I figure it out.

Let's celebrate the day we stole this land from the Native Americans.

I've got God on my side. You're wrong.

It's dangerous with the D.

I'm dumb. She's smart. The wine is good.

When there's so much to admire, it takes a while.

I've done some heavy street-walking in my day.

The liquor: she makes me angry.

I didn't know NASCAR was popular in Colorado.

I get props for my story-telling.

This ain't no rap video.

I don't have a good side. It all looks great.

I think waterfalls are faster than cannonballs.

You ain’t never seen no jihad like this.

Not everything on the napkin makes the cut.

Those W stickers are the hipper side of evil.

“How are you?”
“I’m drunk.”
“Me dos. That’s Spanish.”

The martini...she is no friend of mine.

How is Miss Priss married to Mr. Porn?

"I love your freckles. They up your A.Q."
"Um, thanks. What's A.Q.?"
"Adorable Quotient."

I have an amazing memory for a pothead.

Yeast converts sugar into goodness.

I'm no longer dating people in your neighborhood.

There are a lot of people who aren't qualified to hang out with me.

I feel wicked. Wicked good.

But hey, as long as I can get tanked, I'm all over it.

We did the Walk of Shame together.

It's the subtle magic. You plant the seed, you walk away...and if it grows, it's yours.

They haven't even started playing my jams yet.

"We're going to hell."
"That's OK. We can carpool."

I didn't have time to comb my hair so I figured I'd distract everyone with cleavage.

He's just fun to touch!

I'm not getting naked with you if you're not a good kisser.

I got all Nancy Drew on his ass.

"He just doesn't have the emotional tools."
"Yeah. He is a tool."

My theory on the thong underwear: if it's going to end up in my ass, it might as well start there. Plus, there's no VPL.

I like to have an array of beverages and candy available to me at all times.

He was my dirtiest first date ever!

I love making fun of other people; it makes me feel more self-confident.

The penis is confounding.

Dude, you know I've been jonesing to knit.

Where's the hater I know and love?

Hey Toto, we're not in Stepford anymore! Grow the fuck up.

If you meet a really nice chick and she's fat, you can help her go to the gym. But you can't fix a bad laugh.

Dammit Jim I'm a drinker not a doctor!

"How fucked up is that?"
"That's way fucked up."
"I don't know where I'm going with this, but it's fucked up."

He was taking a bath and getting high.

We need to talk about your drinking because if this becomes a problem, I don't want you to have to quit.

He's interesting but boring. I didn't think that was possible.

I want to beat my head against a wall until I'm numb.

"If you need a ride home, there's a little bitch seat on my scooter...wait, I might need the bitch seat."
"Be careful. It's slippery out there."

And then the doors of hell opened up and I walked in.

He has issues and I'm not subscribing.

Dude, keep it in your pants for 45 seconds!

Better a smartass than a dumbass.

I love condiments: ketchup and salsa especially.

Jesus fucking Christ! I deserve an affair!

My book of cool is kind of outdated.

I am Le Bitch.

That was a disposable shag.

Funny? He's like sand in your bathing suit.

What are you doing in here, selling meat?

So I stood up on the stool and leaned over and asked him, "Are these jeans too tight?"

You hit it and quit it.

I'm a good kisser. It's because I have sensitive lips.

Yeah. He was a bed-wetter.

I'm big in the UK right now.

You are pure evil.

Never say, "I'm drunk." Say: "I've been drinking."

I don't remember 99% of the things you say.

A half Portuguese, half black gay guy? There's a scholarship in there somewhere.

"Do you play disc golf?"
"No, I don't smoke pot."

Central Market doesn't sell cigarettes. Elitists.

What’s a vacuum dancer?

I hate the Lap Sit and the Group Clap.

He is NOT my big daddy.

Don’t invite Ted and Lucille! They ruin every party!

What liquor goes with Mr. Pibb?

The Pleasure Pack. Yeah, it’s the purple package…right there…no, to your left.

“This just isn’t working.”
“What, us? Or your diet?”

“What’s your sign?”
“Danger. Keep off.”

You are weak and easily led. Or is it easily laid?

Mmm….he takes direction well!

Dime by dime I’m breaking them down.

Not all of us have your charisma, my friend.

"We're all..."
"Slutty?"
"I was going to say 'open'."

People in Colorado are the ones too pussy to make it to California.

I saw your freckles from three feet away.

I think my job is turning me into a wino.

You’re going to check out my ass when I get of this car, aren’t you?

There is no off on the genius switch.

He’s boastful about being in the neon business—it’s gonna be all about neon.

I’m not losing my hair – I know exactly where it is.

"Your web is expanding!"
"Yes, I have a man in every port."

Oh, grow a vagina and make some plans!

She lives in an intricate little glass house now, doesn't she?

He's sending me a GIGANTIC package.

Shut up, Ted.

You've had sex with the hottest man alive!

I don't trust people who don't watch TV.

"Come here and have some of the contraband."
"Where is it?"
"Right here between my legs."

My shit's unreal—I leave it on the floor—that's where it stays.

Bullshit no more in 2004.

This cigarette is low-carb.

"She would have kicked our collective ass."
"Which isn't really all that big."
"Quite nice, actually."

You wear a rug?

We're Fantaholics. They're going to have to do an intervention. No more Fanta for us!

If you shave the pubes, please maintain. No girl wants the spiky on her ass.

"Where's your new boyfriend?"
"Singing on a table with some guy."
"I think your new boyfriend is gay."

How can I sleep with such magnificent breasts in my face?

If there's one constant in my life, it is the universal appeal and unwavering appreciation for my ass.

It's an urban satchel, dammit.

Everything is bigger in Texas.

"I don't feel like I have all my stuff."
"That's because you gave it away last night."

You're Mr. Cocky Pants! And I'm not talking about THAT. I mean, you're confident.

I'm easy. But I'm not that easy.

I don't have a chip on my shoulder. It's a potato wedge.

I'm not playing hard to get. I just can't be gotten.

The Brits are ballsy—and handsy.

They get run out of town because they're friggin' wackjobs.

There are as many English people around the world as there are in England.

Confidence is the new hot ass.

We're like the Monkees, the Mamas and the Papas and the Beatles...only hotter.

So many men. So little recollection.

Nobody wants to give a New Year's kiss to the girl whose hacking cough reminds them of Grandpa. Go Figure.

I didn't know how I'd feel about you, but I KNOW I like lipstick.

That's not the 'hood. The 'hood is where they throw chicken bones at you.

I'm taking Gene Simmons home for you.

Dude, run with me.

Of course I know where Latvia is...right near Estonia. I'm like a drunk walking atlas.

I'm going home, where the whiskey's just as good and the company's better.

My driving style is a little unorthodox.

I'm going to put that on a sampler. Just as soon as I find out what a sampler is.

Marlon Brando? UGH!! That fat bastard should keep it in his pants.

Dude, I spy a mohullet...half mohawk, half mullet.

Eggrolls are neat, but not really an egg or a roll. Hmmm. I'm on cold medicine.

Uh-oh, be careful on that couch. There might be a little change left over from the money shot.

Man, my aerobics instructor is hitting on everybody!

A big cat can kill you, but a little pussy never hurt.

J-Lo? Don't go away mad. Just go away.

She just comes over for a little bang-bang.

That bean curd shit sho' is funny!

I mean, it's not like you can't have self-esteem if you're ugly; it's just harder.

The angle of the dangle is directly proportional to the mass of the ass.

My feet are in their prime.

"Hey, Movie Buff, what's up?"
"I'm just in shock and awe, man."

I've hung out with law school students....and they tend to talk about law school.

The record stands at FIVE unanswered phone calls. You know who you are. GIVE UP.

If I had a call phone, I'd cell somebody.

Penis Non Grata.

I'm too executive for you. (huh?)

"Are we repelling the men with our singing?"
"Yes, sing louder!

You whiskey whore!

I know a shitload of librarians.

That would cause my list to double!

Paging Mr. McBigcock, Paging Mr. McBigcock.

You'll never have me and Gigi but you'll always have nice hair.

No couples damn it! Go off and do your own happy shit out of my face.

I have to go comb and fluff my furry shirt.

I KNEW you were a great lay!

I. Am. So. Funny.

I'm so ripped from the Jager!

Only classy men purchase Jager shots for the ladies!

Hmmm....yeah...we must share our vices.

Your lips are like a waterbed.

...or maybe I am just that great in the sack! Yeah, I bet that's it.

Oh wait....there's a poetic shaman in Dallas. Too far to be a reliable booty call.

You must be an only child...because you're so....into yourself.

He has A MIRROR ON HIS CEILING! I'm telling you, you haven't lived till you've see the Above-the-Bed Reflection. It might be my best angle.

I'm going to bed that man!

Hey a Christian non-drinker might not be bad. All that repression might make him an animal in the sack. Anyway...he could also be good for driving you home from bars, and you'd have your Sunday mornings to yourself. Nice!

Partying with G&S is well worth the hangover!