Overheard

I used my tongue and got the whole thing down.

Then we went to Side Bar, where they poisoned us.

I'm a multi-faceted drunk.

I don't know. There may be something inherently wrong with me.

Are you part of the East Texas Taliban?

"I'll bang her."
"Yeah, you will."

I'm a pinball in your machine.

Remember our plan: women are cocaine.

The mullet is coming back in the lesbian community.

Apparently I have a two week expiration date.

"Are you saying you lie to your friends all the time?"
"Oh, definitely."

I might get drunk enough to twitter.

Let's finish the story before the whores show up.

Your beer smells worse than my cocktail.

Once you embrace the random noises, the world is your oyster......I'm not really sure what that means.

Dude, I already looped him in. Are you thought policing me?

My official title is "Princess of the Universe."  Shakira and R-Dub are the only ones who throw down with any real work. You could be in charge of the globe bar. We were toying with the idea of a two key system but then we remembered that we're all drunken lushes and someone would probably just lose one of the keys.

"We are starting a girls only commune."
"That's perfect. Men can drop by--by appointment only."

They made me do tequila. I hope you're not expecting the night of your life. I want to die. We can test our B.A.C. in the device my friend bought me.

So you would propose on our first date? I think I would accept.

I hate men. I never wanted to be a man hater but I feel they have left me no choice.

I'm not going out tomorrow unless it's to a strip club.

Brown people ARE hairy.

Ok. Shiny shirt: check. Gold heels: check. Short shorts. Check. I think I'm ready for breakfast.

You gotta be six feet to ride this ride.

"Well, my sluttiness is available, new boyfriend notwithstanding. He's too young to get into bars."
"Excellent."

Apparently Christians can be very vengeful.

I've had so much sex this week I'm going to take the night off.

I'm the only one here who doesn't like international men.

If I may fraudulently induce you for a moment...

I'm not gay but your brother is good-looking.

I don't drink at all and I'm so boring when I don't drink.

You have a beautiful double name.

"Aaaaand being you is complete. I just left my credit card at the Hilton bar."
"Did you leave a broken heart as well?"

I. Am. Super. Drunk.

I need to learn about your stages of fun, because there are plenty.

I love playing softball because it's a fun drunk sport.

I think they want you to have this discussion. That's why they call it art.

This is the one time I was sober on the whole trip.

If you're looking for differentiation between classy and trashy, it's the small ice.

Obviously, I only have sex with one co-worker at a time.

I'm old. You should listen to me. When you turn 40, you should give me a call and I'll tell you about wine.

I kind of like you when you're neurotic.

"They have dice."
"Are they playing Yahtzee?"
"I feel like I'm in Vegas."

I was told this by a stranger. I believe it.

Nobody is smarter than us.

I'm awesome. Don't you know this?

I don't throw people under the bus after midnight.

Here's the thing about me and people I know--they already know me and they know where the expectations lie. I don't want to burst your bubble--but you're probably EXACTLY what they're expecting.

I don't have the pockets for that.

Dammit Jim! I'm a lawyer, not a doctor!

I don't remember what we talked about, but it was fun.

"It's a hard test."
"You're a hard girl."

My whole life is a lie.

Are you guys on this deadbeat's tab?

I'm not going to deal with anything less than perfection. I guess that means I might wind up alone.

I can't believe women date men. We are ugly and weird and gross.

So I went to this naked party. You would not believe how clothes hold in the stench, becaue those naked people? Were not cute and they smelled. The stench. The stench.

Why are ugly people at Beauty Bar?

Not quite realizing how cute you are is probably your most attractive quality.

When life gives you lemons, make a gin and tonic.

"Wouldn't it be weird if I said I really wanted kids?"
"Some guys are like that."
"Yeah, exactly. They're weird."

Every night I roofie myself.

Please behave yourselves. I've regained my status here as a normal person and I don't want you to f it up.

Whatever you're saying....I already know what it is.

So she has a blog where she goes out and drinks a lot, and writes down things idiots say.

Are you filming? Because you might should.

"I like you so much better without pants."
"Most people do."

I like the powdered sugar...the way it tickles the corner of my mouth.

He's a lazy guy with a lazy eye.

"I was just asked if I've modeled before."
"Did you tell her you tried--just not professionally?"

You always have to cover your tracks when you're a terribly shady person.

I wouldn't wish this life on anyone.

I'm a slut and a very bad fiancée, but I'm not a liar.

Let me go check my syrup.

You can't say, "This is my magi, and this is his friend Shakira."

"We have to go to the best place in town."
"Yeah, we do! Where is that?"

I'm a totally functioning alcoholic.

What do you do for money? Strip? I'd totally buy a lap dance from you.

You have the best eyebrows I've ever seen. If Catherine Zeta Jones and Angelina Jolie f*cked and made a baby, that's what you look like.

"What's wrong with your shirt collar?"
"It's artful dishevelment. What? It's a thing."

My two girls help keep me steady cocktailin', but keep me from full blown drunk.

"You were dancing there? I don't think that's a big dance place."
"It's not at all, actually."

Alcoholic fruit: you can really never go wrong with that: it's healthy AND a party in your mouth.

"He's on vocals. You're on guitar."
"But I can't play the guitar."
"So what? It's a fake band."

If there's not a techno remix of "Pour Some Sugar On Me", we should make one.

You don't know about the potential for spiky douche hair.

"We're stronger in numbers."
"Yes, you're bitchier in numbers."

I feel like you can make any place into a leg guitar place.

Just don't get your emotion on me.

I'm a little scared of you. You know things about fun.

My ass is full of science.

"I'm gonna tackle your bitch."
"What does that even mean?"

"What's the address here?"
"536 Bone Me."

Put some 'sporin on it--neo, poly, whatevs.

I love your moleskin.

Who marries that?

I don't even know where to put my finger.

You should be a cigarette model.

Girls like it when you ask if they're menstruating.

I didn't touch anyone inappropriately.

I'm a Facebook simpleton.

Where's my wristlet?

"I feel like when someone is whistling, it's all about them."
"Yeah, I feel like humming is the same way."

What were we doing in the 80s? I mean, the casseroles?

You're hot in the sun because you have a beautiful mane.

If you're tired, add butter. It makes everything go down easier.

If I had some crack, I could get laid tonight.

If you've had two dirty, stick with the dirty.

"Give me a month. I'll have her looking like Kim Kardashian."
"What are you going to do?"
"Keep her from throwing up."

I got a lot of problems in life. Not being "bad enough" is not one of them.

Hey--what are you guys talking about at your end of the table? We're talking about sperm and eggs.

"You look good."
"Oh stop--I look the same as always."
"Right. You look good."

I destroyed him last Sunday. Mexican martinis.

We were there to kill people.

"I can’t wait for tomorrow."
"Why?"
"Because I get better looking every day."

"My liver is mad at me."
"What? Your lover?"

You’re from Maryland—you should be able to drunk drive.

I am just one man but I can do lots of things.

It is a virtue to admit when one is drunk.

She’s sober.  Imagine what she’s like drunk.

You have a side boob thing going on.

I’m the most responsible alcoholic you know.

Do you remember how bad that place smelled?  It was like vomit and feces.

I’m not a great listener.  I mean—not all the time.

I don’t want to say I’ve taken them under my wing, but I’ve taken them under my wing.

"She’s from Philly."
"Oh, that explains it."

All sayings cross-stitched on pillows were initiated by me.

Check your email! I signed us up for pole dancing lessons!

I'm just sayin'...when I was 25, I had given a few BJs.

Did I wind up in a time machine on the way to the wedding?

Half my underwear isn’t actually mine. It's stolen from ex-boyfriends.

We’ve been drinking since we walked in this place.

I feel like a fat face in this thing.

That guy is struggling with the idea he’s balding.

Why can't you EMOTE!?

I love tuxes.  I would wear one every day if I could.

We'll be right back. We’re going to discuss how bad I fucked this up.

You’re going to write a story about me because I’m awesome.

Finger chili? What is finger chili? Is it chili made out of fingers?

So, English guy wins dance competition.  Bar must have been set lower than a snake’s luggage.

Me and my mate proceed to get fucking hammered.

My girlfriend is going to care if it’s broken.

I think the jackass factor is going to be pretty low.

I'm having a lot of fun when your finger is not in my butt.

But, you're so pretty. It's really hard for the ugly girls.

Hey, play music, not shit.

I'm addicted to this gum because it tastes like baby aspirin.

Those boots suck so much they are awesome.

Look at the homoeroticity going on right now.

I was a complete wastoid all night, and HE ends up with a broken collarbone.

Thank God for hangovers. Otherwise I'd be an alcoholic.

He wants to see your merkin.

I'm getting kicked off the island....but I'm making MY OWN island.

I feel like I can channel you...not in a gay way, but in a straight way.

Is EVERYONE playing the role of cock block tonight?

You have no idea how gay I act.

You get your own fuckin' mother!

"That guy is awesome."
"Really? In what way?"

The Northeast bias...it's real. Get used to it.

Even if I could blow myself, I wouldn't. Do you want to know why? Because then I would have a cock in my mouth.

Jacking off in space!

"Cursive is so gay."
"Well, yeah, your cursive is gay."

Who has the funniest sister ever?

There's no right or wrong way to pee on someone.

I'll show you my pink monkey.

"You know what they say about men with big watches?"
"They have bad eyesight."

People like Cuban cigars because they're like the girl you can't get.

Every whore in Bangkok plays Connect Four.

You can't be a total whore all the way through your twenties and then get picky.

Why are you not more famous?

"Surprisingly, I don't feel that fat."
"Really? Because I'm looking at your face."

I tell you what I would do, if it wouldn’t make me look like an alcoholic, which I strongly believe I’m not – I’d get an air purifier.

All conference line voices should be hot chicks or James Earl Jones.

I'm glad that's over so I can drink like a normal person tonight.

Forty is the new fifty.

As a totally heterosexual man, I don't think he's good-looking.

If I ever got single again, I would be all over a 19-year-old.

You can't put a pricetag on memories.

You know how many times I've been making out with a girl and she says, "I have a boyfriend"?

I have a general "no spitting on cabbies" policy.

You don't Facebook at this hour! You text!

We blew our endorphins out.

I've been asleep more than I've been awake this year.

I don't go to adjectives--like Plush.

People look way different on poles.

All wine is out of the crisper!

"I need to find my soul. Shit. I'm so hungover I can't see."
"I heard that if you set your soul free and it comes back to you, you can keep it all year. Or something."

We’re not ghetto; we’re dedicated.

Don’t correct everything she says in the story—or we’ll be here all night.

"Does this beer taste like bacon to you?"
"Not bacon but there is an aftertaste of meat."

Crap. My Scotch tape hem is coming out.

Do any of you have hydrogen peroxide handy?

"It’s hard to swallow when you’re upside down."
"That’s what she said."

Is this a hooker convention?

Ready to tear a hole in space-time tonight?

Facebook has taught me many lessons....I mean, if I haven't seen or talked to you in two years, there's a reason.

I live in a regime created by an HOA of terrorists.

Holy shit I'm funny.

Goodness. We've got a good mess here.

You're going to make him famous--for generally being an idiot.

Your charm would grow like a mushroom.

This needle is gonna go in your butt.

We should drink more often.

I had an incident with a cow.

"The iPhone is a requirement."
"A requirement for what?"
"For everything."

It's been a pleasure bull-shitting you.

You licked my head.

Let me grip you.

"We may look smart, but we're not."
"Actually, you don't look smart."

"When I said I would give Xanax to the baby by suffocating it, that might have been over the top."
"Yeah, you pushed some boundaries."

"It's too early to think about what?"
"Anything."

If you don't play footsie, you're not passionate about life.

Without that accent, you'd just be another schmuck.

You think I'm cool. Wait till you meet my sister. She's ten times cooler than me.

Basically, we agreed to be friends for life.

I'm not all that worried about losing my hair.  I have very few nice features, but I have a nicely-shaped skull.

I save all my binges for things ending in "-ito."

I'm tired of your hotness going to waste.

Wow! That girl would be really pretty if she weren't so ugly!

Gravy is the glue that holds everything together. It's like a food hug.

If I were gay, I'd be the gayest man on Earth. I don't know what that means exactly.

I may exhibit some cheeseball qualities but I am not, at heart, a cheeseball.

After a couple of drinks, I'm either getting naked or going home.

When was the last time a man had a perm? 

Onion trunk: one that looks so sweet it will bring tears to your eyes.

Damn. Forgot my gay hat. 

Oh, I'm so glad MJ is on the playlist--I am almost forgot he died.

I call it the flying sausage.  There are only dudes in there.

I think Oscar is on quaaludes.

Where do the single ladies want to go tonight?  Besides my house, I mean.

Unfortunately, the sauce is hard on the body.

Whoever made corn on the cob is the best. I guess that means I have to give props to God.

I love de-friending.  It makes me feel powerful.  "Take that, bitches!"

Alcohol: it’s legal and cool.

I was one liquored up whore.

I don't believe in water at the bar.

Anna Nicole Smith was crazy--God rest her soul.

He had some retardation going on.

"Is that a transvesite?"
"No, but that's a dress you start and finish business in."

I didn't come out to see ugly people.

If my sister got fat just walked in.

We ordered room service four times during the afterparty last Saturday. It adds a lot to the event. Drunk people are more than willing to pay $20 for food.

"I can't believe The Swayze outlived Farrah and MJ."
"I bet he's waiting for his own news day. Farrah got robbed."

Hugs are great starting points.

You wanna be nice but not too nice.  So when alcohol is involved…shit is fucked up, dude.

He’s like royalty or some shit.

I’ll gay it up.  I’m not afraid.

"Does he have a little crush on me?"
"Yeah, I think so."
"But he’s only seen me once."
"That’s all it takes with you."

Liberty or death.  My motto.

White people probably should not dance.

Even though we were high, I was sure we would remember the songs.

"Is a song about squirrel juice happy or slow?"
"I think songs about squirrel juice are typically sad."

Leishe. It's a verb form of leisure.

Is ass a flavor?

Oh, you don't remember. You were on the brink of alcohol poisoning.

"Your parents are mean."
"No, they're just Danish."

"Colonoscopy, then vasectomy."
"Sounds like a trip to Bangkok."

This bar reminds me of you.

I’m surprised I’m not more drunk right now.

Every time I hear your name I think of my dad.  But I’m pretty sure my dad didn’t do half the things you did.

I am prejudiced against chardonnay.

You always gotta be a little careful with the Brazilians--they are a little mafioso. And these are Jewish Brazilians, so you know.

You know you love it even though you don't love it because it makes you think of me.

Goodbye hangover! See you tomorrow around one!

"But, why was I crying?"
"Because it was really SAD, dude!"

I'm not into flesh-peddling.

If you got hookers in your neighborhood, then I can afford the rent.

Pre-emptive bitch strike!

I ALWAYS smell like mustard.

I haven't showered in four days--I just get up and swim.

You know what I like about you? And don't try to deny you have this quality. Your sensitivity.

But men still have to be trained, so it's not like I got a free cupcake or something.

Someone is really farty around here.

You're so skinny, you're all titties and ribs.

That exam was the single worst experience of my life. I would rather be water boarded.

Dude..."Holy Beer Milkshake" is the funniest e-mail subject line ever.

She's not fat--she's confused.

Bless you, my fiancé, for you have sneezed.

I'm like, "This ain't my first rodeo, girls."

All of my shirts are shaped like shirts. Yours are...not.

"Are you substituting sausage intake for missed liaisons with your man?"
"Well, they were *mini* sausages so there is certainly no connection from those to my big man!"

I have a love compass. Maybe you find that amusing.

I can masturbate to history if I want to. It's old, it's historical, and it doesn't threaten you.

Speaking of dick tricks...

Never run down the street while wearing a tube top. Trust me.

Beer before liquor...I'm drunk.

So, this little Guido was talking to me...

"I licked you--are you mad?"
"Quit being a freak."

Pipe down while I molest you.

I will be bringing the pain the whole time.

I don't know--you're the band geek.

I'm into these guys, but not into the gay thing.

Take another drink, Boozy.

Move on, Cap'n Crazy.

Face time with Cheney means buckshot.

Merry Christmas. We're about to walk the tab.

Selling ice cream is non-threatening capitalism.

"What is it?”
"Told you it was weird.”

We are the best-looking straight couple here.

How tough can a cop be in a Dodge Neon?

If the shit goes down, get me an abogado and get me the fuck out of here.

The litmus test for whether or not something looks ridiculous: if you knew me and didn't like me, would you laugh at me?

Not coming here with my mom; not coming here as a mom.

You speak directly to my loins.

In our generation, the crowning moment of achieving your identity is figuring out what you are offended by.

Six-three and 270 pounds of Texas flag—that's my grandpa.

I'm fucked up dude. Leave me alone.

We should have a tongue-off!

The Koreans don't care.

How am I going to make it through the weekend without my moleskin?

I'm all Jay Leno and shit. What's up with my chin?

Mojo-wise, I think we're covered.

I hate Sandra Bullock. I wish she would be lit on fire and run over.

Why do the Germans wear their pants so high? I can see all their garbage.

There's nothing wrong with getting a little beauty under your belt.

He's square...like he doesn't swing.

And then I said, "Are we gonna have sex or what?"

Hey. I think you're drunk.

People vie for my friendship.

Faces, people, facts, math...they get me down.

We got fucked up like a football bat.

I think he was trying to dance with this girl but it didn't look like dancing at all.

You're never too old for a beer bong.

I never would have thought the rocket scientists would make the rednecks look smart.

Sunlight is like terror--you have to be vigilant against it.

I hate this song. It's about quitting drinking, and that's the saddest thing I can think of.

Having a baby is the new black.

I love my harmonica fantasy.

Nobody wants a Swoop Moratorium.

He didn't want do it. He wanted to talk.

Mailing is hard. Unless it's email.

That mustard is deceptive.

Big dick. Big problems.

I would say I’m going to miss you too, but I don’t believe in an afterlife. So I’ll just be dead.

I'm very verbose; I can't really be funny in four words.

I was ambushed by your hotness.

You don't want to start the day flipping off your husband.

You forget you're so beautiful because you're so busy being you.

Where my bastards at?

Just taking the ladies for the conjugals.

"Do you remember the Jack Wagner album I used to play all the time when we were kids?"
"Yes. How could I not remember the line, The glow of your cigarette is liiiikkke a shooooting star? The man was a lyrical wizard."

I'm kinda slutty.

We should start a dating service! We could call it "Just Add Alcohol!" Hmmm....probably a lot of liabilities there.

Am I thinking about my liver? Hell no, I don't care about my liver.

We gotta jump on this mine for her.

Poor Fabio, with nothing better to do than masturbate for tourists.

Welcome to motherhood, sister.

It's really hard to get revenge on a dog.

I'll smoke myself into the grave.

I've known some Texas men, and they keep a tight rein on their wives.

It’s not like it’s magic. It’s technology.

We’re told this is the place where Charles Dickens wrote. At some point, it doesn’t matter anymore.

Sometimes we all want to be happy.

Do I have to think of myself as a victim?

We discuss the pros and cons of teleportation. Tin foil, teleportation zones, body parts in the wrong place.

Thunderbird and Vicodin: a winning combination.

The spaghetti strap is sexier and can also result in more skin being shown due to a lack of structure.

You’ve never seen anything more psychotic than a future mother-in-law.

With you guys, dinner is always an event.

11:30 is lame. I look too smokin’ hot to go home.

Don't you love when an inital set transcends marriage and singledom?

I'm screwing a lot of things right now.

What do you think it says about people who have aquariums?

You're not a bad Texan. You're just not a great Texan--yet. Which is hard to do, because there are a lot of great Texans.

When you roll with P, you roll in style.

I can't play. Apparently I'm being prohibited.

It's an evil machine.

"I'm sorry this happened to you."
"That's truckin'."

That's what happens when you're just hanging out having sex.

You just quoted Milli Vanilli. Without irony.

Would you like Fabio to masturbate for you?

It's all tricks.

We gross everyone out with our schmooping.

At least we can say we got laid at a swingers party!

Despite his not having legs and the fact we used someone else's legs, he beat us here.

Carne Guisado. It's for men.

What kind of a goat fuck operation are you running down there?

One of my lesser friends at work--I can't even remember him right now.

Nobody wants to specialize in sucking.

Light up buttercup!

"Just love me."
"I'm trying."

I'm a huge fan of the jet pack.

"You can't love what you don't know."
"I love everything except what I don't love."

I do shave my chest.

She wants to be a party planner for a living. I just want to party.

It's midnight. Can I snuggle you?

Tom Cruise is a stupid little man.

It's too hot for hookin'.

We just might be bitches.

Why are you all treating me like a drunk?

What the fuck is the internet?

Splash down. I got his ass.

She’s got that look in her eyes—like I’m a whore.

I’m rubbing elbows, bunny.

You better under perform your ass off.

This is one of the bands from the 80s that doesn’t suck.

Anything noble I’ve said is way gone from the short term memory.

When my shit falls off, then we'll know.

We are looking fabulous this evening. We should take more pictures.

They call me The Spoon. I stir things up.

Northern efficiency and Southern hospitality: I live on the equator.

No, I’m not mad. I’m consciously trying not to puke right now.

If you want hepatitis, go to the bathroom here.

“Open Arms” will be played at my wedding.

It’s either my ass or my boobs—both of which are fantastic.

Why is everything wet?

Get your legs off my chair. You’re acting like a drunk asshole.

Beer and liquor: it’s not just for cooking.

The ante must be upped.

It's a shame for them that we're taken.

Girls, we’re all too old to puke on the street.

You don’t even want to try because you don’t give that much of a fuck.

I’m a left-handed person in a right-handed world.

I’m staring scandalous in the face.

Beware of tall women—they might be men.

Paris Hilton has huge feet. She’s like Big Foot but not hairy.

Men are retarded.

Russian planes crash because all pilots are drunk on vodka.

Hey, his tits are wet. That’s his Indian name.

I know how to identify a wood.

“There was this guy who got let out prison because he had a perpetual hard on. It was in Czechloslovakia or something.”
“That’s why they let him out of prison?”
“Okay, I made that part up.”

Whatever. It's not like it raises my numbers.

In jail, you have to espeaka da Spanish.

Amazing. Low-rise jeans can make anyone look fat.

"I've never seen you look prettier than tonight."
"Wow. Because I usually look damn pretty."

It's not like I sit around all day eating bon-bons and waiting for your ass to call.

There is no commentary on my dysfunction.

I don't want to go through life winded.

"It's true...well, it's almost true."
"It's more like True's next door neighbor, Mrs. McLie."

"It's really easy."
"Yeah, it's sleazy easy."
"That's our motto in the archive."

"You look tired!"
"You look fat!"

Let's go to upscale bars and tell guys we're marine biologists.

We're gonna read the shit out of that bitch's books.

If we took an iron to you we couldn't get a straight answer.

You know I always wake up racially intolerant when I'm hungover.

This place is one assistant manager away from becoming Lord of the Flies.

My shit is wrecked.

Every time I almost forgot I was in a third world country the lights went out.

How alluring is "Blunt Party at 12:30 on a Monday" to people who have to work tomorrow?

If you're fat, I'm a chubby chaser.

That's very offensive. Which is exactly what I'll tell the clerk at the porn store when I buy it.

You don't want to die with a ball in your mouth.

She swang a little bit.

She does have great tits. Like me.

I'm a natural born nipper.

"Hookin'" is one of my favorite verbs.

The small secret that keeps giving--but only for a little while.

Bourtney!

Common sense is making a comeback.

She's dangerous because she doesn't seem crazy.

I'm so versatile on the whole race thing.

The only musical I like is South Park: The Movie.

I just get in where I fit in.

Back when I was idealistic--when I was 20.

Being a waiter is like a mind fuck.

Cocksmokes.

He's like me if I actually became something.

I have many talents. Unfortunately, most of them don't belong on a resume.

Don't sweat anything petty and don't pet anything sweaty.

Suck on it, Frenchie.

"This is my first time skiing with a buzz."
"Let's keep that to ourselves."

"Are we drunk?"
"I don't know."

"I want twelve inches!"
"That's what your wife said."

We just debated the proper spelling of Deion.

The most believable architechtural stone veneer IN THE WORLD...now, that's a mission statement.

Once upon a time, I couldn't say the word...penis.

Working out is not really working out for me.

Raising Arizona: it's not only a cinematic triumph, but a cultural benchmark for America.

There's nothing funny about having a personal assistant on the set of Beverly Hills Ninja to keep you off crack.

Austin Interfaith: It's like the Voltron of God's Fan Clubs.

After a few days of drinking, smoking, gambling and screwing hookers, you just want to see a panda.

You know I can't talk with this thing in my mouth.

I like a good penis joke.

That's a hustle I need to get into!

"Sorry, it's a little big."
"That's ok, I like it big."

"Sometimes the f-word is the most appropriate response. You just have to say 'FUCK!'"
"Yeah Mom, I have to agree."

I'm really depressed. You better come over and sex me up.

"Why does your phone play that porn music?"
"It's my theme song."

I’m not big on other governments.

I don’t know if anyone else humps as earnestly as we do.

Do I hear a slurricane blowing in?

I don’t know who’s putting together the yearbook around here, but they’re lucky we’re in it.

I don’t kiss douches…anymore.

Will you smoke it with me? Or, at least, suck on it?

Then you “vosotros” the shit out of everybody.

I’m sorry—is my cock blocking your view?

All the Irish in the house say, “yeah.”

It’s a little move I like to call: “Penis Flytrap.”

“Do you think the rain’s blown over?”
“You got blown over.”

“Do you like being petted?”
“Mmmhmmm. I like heavy petting.”

I’m going to wreak hammock.

Couple of hot 70s zombies. They’re fembots.

Sexual tension meets Catholic guilt.

“You need some cizash?”
“You can throw some bones if you want. Got a tenner?”

Your lion will try to eat my monkey.

I mean, with that last one, I think dust came out.

We are the International Couple of Intrigue.

Is it my keen sense of irony or my scathing wit?

See packaging for details about performance benefits.

Though I rollerskate, I’m straight.

Ghostbusters? It was the intersection of soundtrack and characters. It was a cultural booyah.

It doesn't mean I'm not funny; it just means that you're stupid.

They just let the government out for Christmas.

Now I can forge ahead with my lamp-collecting.

I'm the muthfucka who fuckin' makes the muthfuckin' rulz around here.

Back off, state lady!

If I can't tell whether or not you're a boy or a girl, don't talk to me while I figure it out.

Let's celebrate the day we stole this land from the Native Americans.

I've got God on my side. You're wrong.

It's dangerous with the D.

I'm dumb. She's smart. The wine is good.

When there's so much to admire, it takes a while.

I've done some heavy street-walking in my day.

The liquor: she makes me angry.

I didn't know NASCAR was popular in Colorado.

I get props for my story-telling.

This ain't no rap video.

I don't have a good side. It all looks great.

I think waterfalls are faster than cannonballs.

You ain’t never seen no jihad like this.

Not everything on the napkin makes the cut.

Those W stickers are the hipper side of evil.

“How are you?”
“I’m drunk.”
“Me dos. That’s Spanish.”

The martini...she is no friend of mine.

How is Miss Priss married to Mr. Porn?

"I love your freckles. They up your A.Q."
"Um, thanks. What's A.Q.?"
"Adorable Quotient."

I have an amazing memory for a pothead.

Yeast converts sugar into goodness.

I'm no longer dating people in your neighborhood.

There are a lot of people who aren't qualified to hang out with me.

I feel wicked. Wicked good.

But hey, as long as I can get tanked, I'm all over it.

We did the Walk of Shame together.

It's the subtle magic. You plant the seed, you walk away...and if it grows, it's yours.

They haven't even started playing my jams yet.

"We're going to hell."
"That's OK. We can carpool."

I didn't have time to comb my hair so I figured I'd distract everyone with cleavage.

He's just fun to touch!

I'm not getting naked with you if you're not a good kisser.

I got all Nancy Drew on his ass.

"He just doesn't have the emotional tools."
"Yeah. He is a tool."

My theory on the thong underwear: if it's going to end up in my ass, it might as well start there. Plus, there's no VPL.

I like to have an array of beverages and candy available to me at all times.

He was my dirtiest first date ever!

I love making fun of other people; it makes me feel more self-confident.

The penis is confounding.

Dude, you know I've been jonesing to knit.

Where's the hater I know and love?

Hey Toto, we're not in Stepford anymore! Grow the fuck up.

If you meet a really nice chick and she's fat, you can help her go to the gym. But you can't fix a bad laugh.

Dammit Jim I'm a drinker not a doctor!

"How fucked up is that?"
"That's way fucked up."
"I don't know where I'm going with this, but it's fucked up."

He was taking a bath and getting high.

We need to talk about your drinking because if this becomes a problem, I don't want you to have to quit.

He's interesting but boring. I didn't think that was possible.

I want to beat my head against a wall until I'm numb.

"If you need a ride home, there's a little bitch seat on my scooter...wait, I might need the bitch seat."
"Be careful. It's slippery out there."

And then the doors of hell opened up and I walked in.

He has issues and I'm not subscribing.

Dude, keep it in your pants for 45 seconds!

Better a smartass than a dumbass.

I love condiments: ketchup and salsa especially.

Jesus fucking Christ! I deserve an affair!

My book of cool is kind of outdated.

I am Le Bitch.

That was a disposable shag.

Funny? He's like sand in your bathing suit.

What are you doing in here, selling meat?

So I stood up on the stool and leaned over and asked him, "Are these jeans too tight?"

You hit it and quit it.

I'm a good kisser. It's because I have sensitive lips.

Yeah. He was a bed-wetter.

I'm big in the UK right now.

You are pure evil.

Never say, "I'm drunk." Say: "I've been drinking."

I don't remember 99% of the things you say.

A half Portuguese, half black gay guy? There's a scholarship in there somewhere.

"Do you play disc golf?"
"No, I don't smoke pot."

Central Market doesn't sell cigarettes. Elitists.

What’s a vacuum dancer?

I hate the Lap Sit and the Group Clap.

He is NOT my big daddy.

Don’t invite Ted and Lucille! They ruin every party!

What liquor goes with Mr. Pibb?

The Pleasure Pack. Yeah, it’s the purple package…right there…no, to your left.

“This just isn’t working.”
“What, us? Or your diet?”

“What’s your sign?”
“Danger. Keep off.”

You are weak and easily led. Or is it easily laid?

Mmm….he takes direction well!

Dime by dime I’m breaking them down.

Not all of us have your charisma, my friend.

"We're all..."
"Slutty?"
"I was going to say 'open'."

People in Colorado are the ones too pussy to make it to California.

I saw your freckles from three feet away.

I think my job is turning me into a wino.

You’re going to check out my ass when I get of this car, aren’t you?

There is no off on the genius switch.

He’s boastful about being in the neon business—it’s gonna be all about neon.

I’m not losing my hair – I know exactly where it is.

"Your web is expanding!"
"Yes, I have a man in every port."

Oh, grow a vagina and make some plans!

She lives in an intricate little glass house now, doesn't she?

He's sending me a GIGANTIC package.

Shut up, Ted.

You've had sex with the hottest man alive!

I don't trust people who don't watch TV.

"Come here and have some of the contraband."
"Where is it?"
"Right here between my legs."

My shit's unreal—I leave it on the floor—that's where it stays.

Bullshit no more in 2004.

This cigarette is low-carb.

"She would have kicked our collective ass."
"Which isn't really all that big."
"Quite nice, actually."

You wear a rug?

We're Fantaholics. They're going to have to do an intervention. No more Fanta for us!

If you shave the pubes, please maintain. No girl wants the spiky on her ass.

"Where's your new boyfriend?"
"Singing on a table with some guy."
"I think your new boyfriend is gay."

How can I sleep with such magnificent breasts in my face?

If there's one constant in my life, it is the universal appeal and unwavering appreciation for my ass.

It's an urban satchel, dammit.

Everything is bigger in Texas.

"I don't feel like I have all my stuff."
"That's because you gave it away last night."

You're Mr. Cocky Pants! And I'm not talking about THAT. I mean, you're confident.

I'm easy. But I'm not that easy.

I don't have a chip on my shoulder. It's a potato wedge.

I'm not playing hard to get. I just can't be gotten.

The Brits are ballsy—and handsy.

They get run out of town because they're friggin' wackjobs.

There are as many English people around the world as there are in England.

Confidence is the new hot ass.

We're like the Monkees, the Mamas and the Papas and the Beatles...only hotter.

So many men. So little recollection.

Nobody wants to give a New Year's kiss to the girl whose hacking cough reminds them of Grandpa. Go Figure.

I didn't know how I'd feel about you, but I KNOW I like lipstick.

That's not the 'hood. The 'hood is where they throw chicken bones at you.

I'm taking Gene Simmons home for you.

Dude, run with me.

Of course I know where Latvia is...right near Estonia. I'm like a drunk walking atlas.

I'm going home, where the whiskey's just as good and the company's better.

My driving style is a little unorthodox.

I'm going to put that on a sampler. Just as soon as I find out what a sampler is.

Marlon Brando? UGH!! That fat bastard should keep it in his pants.

Dude, I spy a mohullet...half mohawk, half mullet.

Eggrolls are neat, but not really an egg or a roll. Hmmm. I'm on cold medicine.

Uh-oh, be careful on that couch. There might be a little change left over from the money shot.

Man, my aerobics instructor is hitting on everybody!

A big cat can kill you, but a little pussy never hurt.

J-Lo? Don't go away mad. Just go away.

She just comes over for a little bang-bang.

That bean curd shit sho' is funny!

I mean, it's not like you can't have self-esteem if you're ugly; it's just harder.

The angle of the dangle is directly proportional to the mass of the ass.

My feet are in their prime.

"Hey, Movie Buff, what's up?"
"I'm just in shock and awe, man."

I've hung out with law school students....and they tend to talk about law school.

The record stands at FIVE unanswered phone calls. You know who you are. GIVE UP.

If I had a call phone, I'd cell somebody.

Penis Non Grata.

I'm too executive for you. (huh?)

"Are we repelling the men with our singing?"
"Yes, sing louder!

You whiskey whore!

I know a shitload of librarians.

That would cause my list to double!

Paging Mr. McBigcock, Paging Mr. McBigcock.

You'll never have me and Gigi but you'll always have nice hair.

No couples damn it! Go off and do your own happy shit out of my face.

I have to go comb and fluff my furry shirt.

I KNEW you were a great lay!

I. Am. So. Funny.

I'm so ripped from the Jager!

Only classy men purchase Jager shots for the ladies!

Hmmm....yeah...we must share our vices.

Your lips are like a waterbed.

...or maybe I am just that great in the sack! Yeah, I bet that's it.

Oh wait....there's a poetic shaman in Dallas. Too far to be a reliable booty call.

You must be an only child...because you're so....into yourself.

He has A MIRROR ON HIS CEILING! I'm telling you, you haven't lived till you've see the Above-the-Bed Reflection. It might be my best angle.

I'm going to bed that man!

Hey a Christian non-drinker might not be bad. All that repression might make him an animal in the sack. Anyway...he could also be good for driving you home from bars, and you'd have your Sunday mornings to yourself. Nice!

Partying with G&S is well worth the hangover!