Oscar Superlatives 2005

Worst Hair – Three-Way Tie. Mike Myers/Laura Linney/Annette Benning.
Mike, what’s up with your hair? Maybe he dyed it the same color as his wife’s—and a matching coiffe. That’s true love. And Laura is sporting a fe-mullet. Maybe Annette let one of her kids cut her hair. It’s sticking up in all directions. Maybe that’s why she lost the Oscar.

Best Cleanup – Kirsten Dunst. She shines up like a new penny. She must have washed her hair.

Worst Facial Hair – Johnny Depp. Johnny’s always a hottie, but he just looks creepy now with a scruffy beard. And those owlish glasses. Is he peeking in my window?

Best Comeback – Drew Barrymore. Gigi loved her book Little Girl Lost. Shakira thinks she’s done so many drugs she can’t stand still at the podium. But, hey, the brunette look is working for her!

Most Needed Award – Troy. Best swords! Mmmm.

Worst Makeover – Vin Diesel. With hair? Looks like a wuss.

Biggest Disappointment. Spanish titles and films losing out, since Shakira votes with her heritage. “Fuckin’ my people fucked me again.”

Most Confusing Color – Kate Winslet’s dress. Shakira, Gigi and the other ladies love it – but what color is it? Periwinkle? Purple? Lilac? Indigo? (What color is indigo, anyway?)

Best Faceoff – Penelope Cruz and Salma Hayek. Spain versus Mexico! Aiiyyyy!

Weirdest New Feature – The lineup of contenders on the stage. Feels, well, staged.

Best Advice – Shakira and Gigi advising Antonio Banderas to (1) not ever sing—ever again (2) wash his hair with Neutrogena Clean Rinse.

Most Pinched – Renee Zellweger. She looks like a skeleton in a red dress. And the brunette look is a big no-no for Renee. And when did all of her facial features move to the middle of her face?

Most Over-played – Beyonce. Seriously, does no one else sing? Sit down, Antonio. Where the hell was Elton John?

-Gigi and Shakira 03.01.05