Slyther and Shakira Feel the Music. And Other Things.

Slyther and I are off to see the music late one Saturday night. We're in a cab talking about how much we hate the people inside Oslo when we spy a couple of girls headed that way.

"Girl, you need to rethink that outfit," I opine and Slyther busts out laughing.

"Come on! I'm not being mean. White pants? Not allowed. And her shirt was letting her boobs almost swing free!" I point out. Of course, maybe that's the look she was going for.

At Caucus, we check out a band called Two Guy Trio. I keep checking out the bottom of my cocktail glass. These Stoli vanilla Cokes are going down like water! I've lapped Slyther and am forced to head back to the bar for another. Rejoining Slyther on the patio, we spy a rather cute guy standing right next to us. He's alone, he's not drinking, and he keeps checking his watch. What's up with this dude? Slyther tells me that he can't tell which of us he's checking out.

The bartender is checking us out too. She tells Slyther that we're a stunning couple. He laughs. "That's not my girlfriend!"

Good move, Slyther! Free drinks for us!

After three bourbon and Cokes, Slyther gives me fashion advice. He's deemed my shirt inappropriate. Not that it's too slutty, just that it doesn't showcase my boobs well. I discover in horror that he's right. This shirt is so going in the trash tomorrow.

We also discover the cute boy is wearing a wedding band. Damn!

From Caucus, we head to Red Eyed Fly, where Orlando hits on me. No, it's not Orlando Bloom, unfortunately, but instead a guy who just moved here from Orlando. People live in Orlando ?

The band here: Broken Teeth. Wow. That guy can really wail on a microphone. And Slyther and I decide it's Fabio playing guitar. Lose the white blond hair and the weird tan, dude! You are so not hot! In fact, there's no one in this band who's hot. Time to move on.

The next band, with our favorite name ever: I Love You But I've Chosen Darkness. It's hilarious! And then: we totally walk into Ugly. What's wrong with this place? Oh yeah, it's Emo's. Of course it's Ugly. Then there's a really scary moment when I can’t find Slyther. Has he been swallowed by the Ugly? Oh shit!

And lucky lucky me! One of the Uglies is hitting on me. He says something engaging, like, "Come here often?"

I love you but I've chosen darkness, I think, and move away to extract Slyther. I can't take it in here anymore.

Is there a tractor beam in Jimmy's Irish Lair? Because that's where we find ourselves next as the night winds down. I'm roughly eighteen sheets to the wind at this point. And it's time for me to harass my favorite bartender. No, not Jimmy. One of Jimmy's underlings: Thom, who has informed me we must have a secret romance because Jimmy has laid his claim to me.

What is this? Slyther is flipping up my skirt.

"It's red!" he says. "Your thong is fire-engine red!"

Well, I suppose that settles the question of the night.

Thom walks by. "I missed it," he says. He looks deeply disappointed. No more disappointed than I am when he informs me he's moving. In like a week. But then he passes me a note. He's super slick about it, just like when you used to pass notes in school. He wants to meet on Tuesday night. It's his last free night. Ooh! I'm going to have a secret rendezvous!

"His spelling is atrocious!" Slyther yells. Later, on the street, on our quest for pizza and a cab, we examine the note again. It turns out he has actually spelled everything correctly. It's our inebriation that's atrocious.

I scarf my pizza in exactly 4.5 seconds and then completely forget I have eaten it. Kind of like I have forgotten about the shots. Damn. No wonder I'm feeling rowdy enough to walk up to a cute boy.

"Do you have a girlfriend? Do you want to kiss"

He does indeed. We kiss. I hear Slyther laughing and I run away. Then I find a new group of boys to antagonize. Oooh, they're English! I tell Slyther to stop and listen as we savor their accents.

"You know they're not fixed!" Slyther yells.

"I've never seen one like that!" I say. But then, well, I sort of see it. I kiss him and next thing you know it's Lil' England popping up inside his pants. His friends are laughing so hard they can barely walk. Slyther drags me into a cab. England tries to stop the cab from leaving.

Oh my. What an effect this Gorgeous and Sassy girl had on our little, er, big friend.

-Shakira 05.05.04