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What
Happens at La Bare Stays at La Bare
Shakira,
Gigi and Killa Gorilla venture out for The Second Annual National
La Bare Day. The girls manage to score a seat in Lap Dance Central,
where they are treated to views of da menz dancing for all the
other ladies around them. Gigi is even invited to take part by
a lady next to her.
“Get
a feel girl!” the woman screams and Gigi stares in fascination,
unable to touch that blazing inferno of tight man-meat. Shakira
feels the need to investigate this phenom known as the lap dance.
She requests an old favorite: Naughty
“Newbie” Nick—who is definitely not a newbie
anymore. This hot young thing has got his moves down pat. She
pats him down.
“I’m
a vegetarian but I sho’ like the bone!” Shakira screams
in delight as Naughty Nick mimes the sexual act of thrusting.
My my my. The lap dance is worth every dollar.
“What’s
that I hear?” Gigi asks. “Could it be the mournful
notes of ‘She’s Like the Wind’? Shout-out!!!
Did they read the last article?”
“Silly
Gigi. The boys here can’t read.”
“Those
beefcakes all look the same to me. That’s not necessarily
a bad thing…” Killa Gorilla muses, while cocking her
head in wonder.
The
girls spy two dances on the same platform: one with a sparkly
thong and one with a studded thong.
“There’s
studs on that stud!” Shakira yells with glee.
“And
that one has a sparkly thong!” Killa Gorilla observes.
“He’s
gay,” Gigi proclaims and knocks back a shot.
Shakira
decides to invite Naughty Nick to an after party with the G&S
girls. She tucks the note in her black lace bra and goes in search
of the naughty man himself. Finding him grinding on a podium,
she offers the note. Naughty Nick sneaks a peek into the Pandora’s
box that houses Shakira’s fabulous breasts.
“Livin’
on a Prayer” by Bon Jovi, which may be the Gorgeous and
Sassy theme song, comes on next and girls go wild! It’s
another shout-out! This place rules. Gigi decides if she ever
takes a trip down the aisle again, it will be a Bon Jovi-themed
wedding. Wooooo!
Next,
one of the girls’ wish list items is granted—it’s
a Navy pilot groovin’ on stage.
“Hey
sailor,” Gigi says seductively.
The
theme song from Top Gun, “Danger Zone,” pumps out
of the speakers. He can fly into the girls’ danger zones
anytime!
“Mmmmhhmmm,
fly by the tower, baby!” Shakira says. And what a tower
it is!
It
seems that Gigi has come down with a case of Tourette’s.
She cannot stop yelling “Boo-tay!” at random intervals.
The
girls decide that wedgies are not attractive. Especially the Extreme
Wedgie on the latest podium dancer. Furthermore, tighty whities
make a girl wonder if she’ll find skid marks inside. Ewwwww.
A
new guy comes on stage. “Is that a man or woman? He looks
like he’s wearing a bustier,” Shakira wonders.
“From
this angle, I can’t see his package.” Gig pauses.
“Oh wait. That’s definitely a man.”
Is
that a potato in there? It’s hot! Maybe we need to play
hot potato! One potato, two potato, three potato, whore—wait,
wrong song.
Shakira
and Killa Gorilla check out the new hotties on the podium closest
to them.
“Which
one do you like?” Shakira asks, waving a twenty in front
of Killa’s face to entice her to order up a lap dance.
“That
one,” she says, “He’s a tight little package.”
La
Bare never fails to enchant. Oh yes. This place might just be
a big o’ slice of heaven.
-Gigi
and Shakira 03.06.04
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