The Miss Texas USA Pageant

So I was sitting at home on a Monday night, and feeling sorry for myself due to my lack of cable, when I happened upon an entertainment goldmine on the fabulous low rent channel 13 - the Miss Texas USA pageant!!! Needless to say, I was filled with glee. Sure it was an easy target for ridicule, but who am I to pass up an easy target? Do not despair if you missed it…I took notes for as long as I could stand, and summarized the happenings for your reading pleasure. So grab a strong cocktail and join me on the La-Z-Boy...

I tune in a little bit late, and I miss the introduction of the show’s host. He is some extremely cheesy guy named Danny. He resembles a combination of Lenny and Squiggy from the Laverne and Shirley show, with Lenny’s face and Squiggy’s height and hairline. I think he is their used car salesman love child! I love him. His co-host, Christine, was Miss Texas 1994. She is very smiley and sparkly and looks like Vanna White. I decide to think of them as Lenny and Vanna for the duration of the show. I am easily amused.

The fun really kicks into high gear as the contestants introduce themselves. I guess they are going alphabetically by city. I am extremely perceptive. Hmm…they seem to get scarier as the alphabet goes on. No really, check out the glamour shots on the Miss Texas USA web site: http://www.misstexasusa.com/miss.html. Good Lord! I would guess that these women aren’t so scary looking in real life, but they are all wearing a thick coat of makeup and have seriously lacquered hair. Most of them must have used that Vaseline on the teeth trick, because they are sporting these huge unnatural grins. Damn, this is too freaky. A shot of whiskey will calm my fear.

I snort with laughter when I hear the words “Miss Flower Mound”! Is this really a place in Texas or does this award go to the girl who “tends her patch” the best? Hahahahaha!! OK, OK, I am far too mature for these pubic jokes. I convince myself that it is not funny. I vow to stifle it and act my age. But the gods are not with me and Miss Golden Triangle introduces herself.  I fall off the couch and pee my pants.

I return to the couch when Lenny starts announcing the twelve finalists. It is not really surprising that nearly all of them are from the beginning of the alphabet. I am sorely disappointed that my homegirls from Flower Mound and Golden Triangle didn’t make the cut. What a terrible injustice! I almost turn the set off in protest, but who am I kidding…it’s not like I have anything better to do.

So now we get to meet the judges. AAACK!!! My eyes! The ugliest man I’ve ever seen is Judge Number One. He has a face like an old baseball mitt and a really scary comb-over. Sweet Jesus, I hope none of the girls had to blow him for the crown. Oh ladies, it’s just not worth it!!! His claim to fame is that he makes wooden steering wheels for Cadillacs. Seriously. Who knew that being a steering wheel big wig would earn you a prestigious Miss Texas USA judge position? This guy must be in demand at high school career days.

The other judges are a potpourri of people that I hope never to meet. There is a swimsuit designer with enormous ‘80s hair, a fat guy who works for the governor’s office, a former football player with a blank look in his eyes and a spikey mulletish hairdo, and an actress who used to be on the show Dallas. I used to watch that show, but I don’t remember this chick. It’s not Victoria Principal or Sue-Ellen, so who really cares?

Last year’s Miss Texas USA saunters up to Lenny and Vanna to squeeze out her last few moments in the spotlight. The crown is disappointing. Sure, it’s sparkly, but it’s big and ugly like one of those little white fences you put around your garden to keep gophers out.

The Soon To Be Former Miss Texas USA is very pretty and she seems to have really enormous hips. Could this be camera trickery? I hope not, because it makes me happy to see a hippy girl as a beauty queen. If big hips are acceptable, fat asses can’t be far behind! I go to the freezer and get another fudge pop to celebrate. Fat bottom girls we make the rockin’ world go round!

The STBF Miss TxUSA tells us all about the many wonders of Lubbock, the home of the Miss Texas USA pageant for the past 4 years. Did you know that Lubbock has the largest food dehydration center in the world? Wow. I know where I am spending my next vacation!

OK, let’s bring on the interviews. They have a system where they ask one question from one of the losing contestants and one from a random person who felt compelled to send a question in to the Miss Texas USA web site. Most of the questions manage to be about God, the USA, or the girls’ future husbands. Blah. There is a really pathetic moment when Miss Lubbock is asked to choose the 20th century woman who most paved the way for other women. Miss Lubbock stammers, “Oh gee that’s so hard, um…there are just so many, I just can’t pick one.” And she doesn’t pick one. She can’t think of one woman that she admires. So sad. I bet she was cursing the fact that she didn’t get a question about her future hubby. Hey, wouldn’t it have been funny if she’d said Monica Lewinsky?

Miss Houston has these severe eyebrows that have been mercilessly plucked into quotation marks. I warm up to her when she gets the inane question “What would you ask God?” She sputters and stumbles like mad, finally settling on “Why is the sky so big??” Heh. See you in Hell, Miss Houston!! Yeah, there is no way she is going to win now.

I think Miss San Antonio just said she hopes to get a PhD in Psychology from her community college. Hmm, maybe you should have a talk with your adviser about this…

Oh man, Miss Brazos County is the scariest contestant thus far. She has a huge helmet of Aqua Net encrusted hair, and crazy eyes. She wants us all to “just open up and serve Jesus.”

The commercials for this fine program are almost as good as the show. The same ones repeat over and over at each break. They are for an assortment of bridal stores, cosmetic surgery doctors, diet pills, modeling agencies, and “Pageantry Magazine”. Damn, I have been a librarian for 3 years and never knew such a publication existed.

The cosmetic surgery commercial is evil!! An accordian version of the song “Pretty Woman” plays in the background while this creepy old doctor pokes and prods at the nose of an unhappy looking girl with low self-esteem. Then they cut to the smiling doctor performing the surgery. He looks like he’s been hitting the sauce. They never show the “after” picture of the patient, so who knows how she turned out. What do you think that girl did to deserve to be in such a humiliating commercial?

I snooze through the many bridal shop ads, until I spot an accessory that I simply must have. I covet the delicate sparkly tiara from the Serendipity Bridal Store in Austin. If anyone wants to get me a gift, my birthday is October 30th , and I look fabulous in tiaras. I’d go and get it myself, but bridal stores give me hives.

OK, back to the pageant. It’s time for the swimsuit competition. Hmm, they are all wearing the exact same swimsuit in either blue or pink. That’s kind of boring. I think Miss Lubbock and Miss San Antonio have had recent boob jobs. They both look like they are carrying two water balloons in their bikini tops. I think boob jobs need to settle a while before they look good. Those girls should have planned their surgery earlier. Maybe I should write an article about this for Pageantry Magazine.

Ooh, Miss Dallas County has a few bruises near her butt. Perhaps someone is into some rough trade.... I am so rooting for her! A scandalous Miss Texas would be so much fun.

Aack!! Miss Brazos is even scarier in a swimsuit. She has a big masculine upper body, but with huge breasts. She could kick all of the other contestants’ skinny asses. Maybe there is a wrestling competition later.

Next is a barftastic musical interlude by these total dorks in the Texas A&M Cadet choir. Oh yes, pudgy men singing Lawrence Welk tunes. That’s entertainment!

OK, I can’t take this much longer…I am spacing out. Evening gown time. ZZZZZZ. All of the gowns are really sparkly, except for Miss Dallas County’s, which looks like a lounge singer dress. Miss Central Texas is wearing a dress with an extremely plunging neckline in the style of the dress J-Lo wore to the Oscars a few years ago. It looks weird.

Now they whittle down the contestants to a lucky five Texan beauties. There are no surprises, really. The hometown girl Miss Lubbock is in, then Miss Dallas County, Miss Bay Area, Miss Central Texas, and my favorite, the super scary Miss Brazos. They are all asked a final inane question. “Why are you proud to be a Texan?” I bet Lenny came up with this one himself.

Miss Dallas County says that Texas has the nicest people and the most beautiful women. Well…first the kinky bruises and now a little hinting at girl on girl action! I bet the judges are loving her. Miss Central Texas likes the way Texans talk. She does an impression of a typical Texan. Ha, she cracks me up. Everyone else spouts some boring patriotic crap.

We are in the home stretch now! While the judges deliberate there is another musical interlude from the A&M dorks. Aw, fuck, it’s a medley of songs about Texas and America. And the girls are singing too. The sing snippets of “Deep in the Heart of Texas” and that nauseating “Proud to be An American Where At Least I Know I’m Free…”song, among others. I think that my personal hell would be sitting through this medley over and over for eternity. I will repent immediately following the pageant.

The musical number ends with fireworks, flag waving, and puking….oh wait, the puking was me. We finally get to the announcement of the big winner. Oh boy, the final two are Miss Bay Area, a sweet, kind of boring but very pretty woman, and the crazy Miss Brazos. Go Miss Brazos, go!!!!

Lenny tortures them before announcing the winner by giving them a little speech about how the first runner up is also very important because she will have to take over the Miss Texas USA duties if something unfortunate happens to the winner. Then he announces that Miss Brazos is the runner up and Miss Bay Area is the winner. Eek!! I predict that Miss Bay Area will have a little “accident” and will not be completing her reign. Miss Brazos has the Tonya Harding gleam in her crazy eyes. Miss Bay Area better invest in a bodyguard.

The Former MissTxUSA puts the fence on Miss Bay Area’s head, somebody stuffs her into her brand new mink coat, and she prances around the stage in triumph. All of the girls give her big hugs, and I note the absence of Miss Brazos…. Ooh, I suspect that this story isn’t over. Stay tuned.

-Gigi 8.12.02