10
Things My Mom Brings Up In Every Phone Call
Now don't get me wrong, I love my mother. I do. After many years
of constant arguing we're actually able to have bi-weekly phone
conversations. But she seems compelled to bring up the same points
EVERY time, sometimes verbatim, and it's beginning to make me insane.
1. Me visiting for the holidays.
Oh man she starts right in with the guilt! I so much preferred my
Christmas at home with the roommates and lots of alcohol. But as
my sister points out, Christmas with the fam also means alcohol,
and you want to start drinking early.
2.
JC Penney and the great deals available within.
All of my friends know about my mom's obsession with JC Penney.
Most of them can do an impression of her bellowing "Penney's
has free shipping, so pick out something nice for your birthday!"
in her Boston accent on my answering machine. When she gets me
in person she actually says things like, "get out your catalog
and look at the gorgeous towels." My catalog?
3.
Am I still dating 'that Irish guy'? OK, I did
date an actual factual Irish guy from Ireland for like 2 dates,
approximately 2 years ago. It went nowhere because we had no chemistry
whatsoever. I never even copped a feel on his shillelagh. I just
say "no" to this question, every time.
4. Well jeez, am I dating anyone?
Mom is doubting my ability to score with the menz?
Thanks alot mom! She's been alarmed at my lack of ambition to
remarry and produce her grandchildren. She wants me to date a
suitable suitor. Apparently one like "that Irish guy."
5.
Well, is it serious? Her relief at the fact that
I can, in fact, score a date fades quickly and she needs to know
details...which she will forget, so I don't usually bother. I
always reply, "Yep, serious as a heart attack!" And
she always gets annoyed. But then we can move on from my love
life to the fascinating saga of:
6. Her yard. For
a tiny square of lawn, she does an awful lot of work on it. She
weeds, she mulches. She bought "pavers for the back last
week". I don't know what pavers are. I don't ask.
7. Gossip about people in her neighborhood,
whom I don't know. Mom's neighbors are like Melrose
Place for old people. Believe it or not, some of this is good
stuff.
8. A quick dig about how I kept
my married last name post-divorce. Oh damn, she
always finds a chance to sneak that in. It really burns her. What
can I say, I just really liked it better than my old name. Get.
Over. It.
9. I'm so happy you're coming for
the holidays! In case the dig has made me reconsider,
she likes to confirm that I'm still going to visit. Yes, yes.
Let's make mulled wine. A LOT of it.
10. "I love you, hon."
Aw, my mom loves me. Strangely, she manages to infuse that statement
with a deep concern that makes it sound more like, "I love
you, but I really wish you weren't a hooker with a heroin addiction."
Eh, maybe I'm just reading into it. I'll take what I can get.
-Gigi 08.02.04
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