My Baby's Momma Has Issues
 
Part 1: My New Job and the Ways in Which I am Wrong
 
I have a new job!  It is staying home and taking care of my heartwrenchingly adorable baby boy, who is almost 4 months old.  And it's going pretty well, so I guess I'll stick with it.  My new boss is pretty patient with me, though like all bosses, he has his moments of mean yelling.  I try not to take it personally and I rarely tell people that he's an asshole behind his back, because I know that would just make the situation worse.  Anyway, for the most part, he's a little ray of sunshine.
 
So far my baby care philosophy boils down to switching activities when the current activity begins to annoy the baby.  Basically, I feed him until he spits out the bottle, play with him or set him up in some sort of playing activity until he starts making his angry sounds, then I try to lull him into a nap.  I change him whenever I think about it or when he smells worse than the dogs.  That's it!  Doesn't it sound easy?  Go on and get knocked up so you can try it for yourself!
 
So far, people seem surprised when I tell them that I like staying home with the baby.  They're all, "Don't you miss work?"  Uh...no.  What's that thing people say about it being called 'work' and not '[fill in the blank with whatever fun activity you want to insert]'?  The fun activity I'd insert is "watching dvds in your jammies," which I get to do every day at my new job, thus making it the best job I've ever had.  Oh yeah, I like hanging out with the baby, too.  I don't really care when people act like staying at home with a baby is not real work or whatever because a) they are the same people who didn't know that I had to go to school to be a librarian and b) I get to watch dvds in my jammies when the boss is napping.  I originally thought that I'd keep the house really clean and be all Martha Stewart by cooking delicious, homemade meals for my husband, but so far I haven't really gotten that together.  Taking care of an infant is definitely more tiring than I'd imagined it would be.  And it didn't take long for me to realize that there's no "I" in "stay at home mommy."  It sounds like there's a "me" in there, but there really isn't.  Yeah...that part can be a bummer.  
 
While I am doing my best with all of this, I suppose I should mention that I don't seem to be doing too much of it the "right" way, which could be part of why it's been a generally happy experience for me.  I hate having to live up to any sort of expectations. The older I get, the less I try.  I will share a little of my wrongness in the hopes that if you are wrong, too, you won't waste your energy feeling guilty.   Fuck it.  We all do the best we can.
 
I started the whole damn thing wrong, as I had the most unnatural and druggy childbirth possible.  I was blessed with a uterine abnormality that would have made it impossible for me to birth the baby naturally. And his head was nowhere near the exit.  So I had to have a planned c-section.   Whenever I would tell people that I would be having a c-section, they would act like it was a big tragedy and "maybe you could get the baby to turn, blah blah."  I'd pretend to be all, "Yeah, I really wish I could go through all that labor and push the baby out of my vagina.  Damn." while I squealed with glee on the inside. Whatever, people, the c-section was great!  I didn't feel a thing and the baby was out in 20 minutes.  Yeah, it hurts like a bitch afterwards, but there are trade-offs to everything.  For me, natural childbirth is much like a triathlon.  I admire the people who go for it, but I feel no need to do it or even watch.  Just knowing that it occurs is good enough for me. 
 

Another way I am very, VERY wrong is that I completely stopped breastfeeding after a month.  I know, I know.  I am truly sad that my son may never get into Harvard, due to my failure at breastfeeding.  The best I can probably hope for is truck driving school.  Sigh.  I tried really hard to breastfeed, but it just didn't work out for either of us.  I had to "supplement" with formula in the beginning and then he completely preferred the bottle, with it's easy access to food.  I was not very disappointed because a) I never got used to his vise-like chomp on my nipples (They're nipples, for the love of God!  OW!!) and b) I missed drinking coffee and alcohol.  Sorry, but it's true.  I love that nothing I eat or drink affects the baby in any way.  I can eat a whole pound of hummus and wash it down with a six pack and a latte the only person it will hurt is me (and maybe those judgy individuals who don't like being around wide-awake, drunk and gassy people). 

 
There are other ways in which I am wrong, but it's probably best that I don't share now.  I don't want to have to pretend to feel guilty or pretend to listen to unsolicited advice on my mothering skills. While I do find it mildly amusing when complete strangers come up to me (sometimes they run after me!) to offer an "important" tidbit on some nonsense, it's more than a little disconcerting that carrying a baby around, whether in the belly or in your arms, seems to indicate to people that you've opened it up for questions and commentary.  It is just exhausting to pretend to care what they are saying or that they are not being incredibly rude and annoying.  Who the hell needs it?  I can't think of a response that would discourage further discussion, so I say we all just start staring down the advice-wielding freaks until they retreat.  Who's with me?
 
Gigi 07.03.07