Miss Texas USA: A Return to Glory
 
The G&S girls have been so caught up in their own worlds that they have missed the past two Miss Texas USA pageants! Well, truth be told, they were a little sick of the pageantry. There are only so many boob jobs, sparkly dresses and singing cadets one can look at before it starts to wear on the soul. But they say that absence makes the heart grow fonder. Let's find out!
 
Like the last Miss Texas USA pageant  watched by G&S, the show is still in Laredo. Apparently each city gets a five year term. Hmm...Laredo seems like it has become a little rougher in the past few years. It seems a bit murdery there. Bet the pageant officials are missing boring old Lubbock! The G&S girls are hoping for an Austin or Houston pageant after next year's final Laredo show. Then they can see it live and in person!! Please cross your fingers and pray to the gods of pageantry that their dreams come true.
 
The show begins with a brief look at each of the 121 sparkly (and oddly slit up the front) dress-wearing contestants, while they sing and dance to..."It's Raining Men?" Well, there's an interesting choice. Could it be a hint about the contestants? 'Heavily made up prepubescent boy, sporting hair weave and giant breasts' does seem to be the most common look among the ladies. Egads...perhaps it's a hint about the dreaded Texas A&M Singing Cadets, 'cause here they come!
 
"Now I remember why we stopped watching," Gigi remarks. "It's raining dorks!"
 
"Quick, grab an umbrella! And a stun-gun!" Shakira replies. "You can never be too protected."
 
Naturally, the Soon to be Former Miss TX (StbFMsTX) is the only one in red. Because she loses her virginity while reigning as queen. Or something like that. It's symbolic. The StbFMsTX starts singing the disco fave "Heaven Knows" while the cadets sing and dance around her. Heaven knows why anyone thought letting the cadets dance was a good idea. Then the rest of the ladies join in the singing and dance-stravaganza.
 
The announcer sounds very muffled and the G&S girls aren't even drunk yet! What is with the pageant's sound system? This will only get worse as the night goes on and booze keeps flowing (at Shakira's house). He seems be announcing the girls names and locations. Woo! Let's hear it for Golden Triangle!! Nobody really stands out until Miss Woodlands, who has startlingly large bosoms.
 
"I think we've found our winner," predicts Gigi.
 
Another medley of 70s music begins, and Shakira fast-forwards. Thank heavens for TiVo! The ladies are doing this thing where they look down into the camera. It is not a flattering angle for anyone. Why starve yourself if you're going to be filmed doing something that gives you a double chin?
 
Let's meet the hosts! The guy is "TV Personality Jason Feinberg!" Who the hell is he? According to his resume (on jasonfeinberg.net) he's been on both Nickelodeon AND the Playboy channel. Well he certainly has range.
 
"He's kind of like a low-rent Paul Rudd," Shakira observes.
 
"What makes you a personality?" Gigi wonders. The girls suspect that it's toolishness.
 
The Personality warms up the crowd by telling them how happy he is to be back in Texas. Hey, the crowd is from Texas! Yay Texas!!!! Then he makes a joke about it raining men. He's a riot.
 
The hostess of the program is Kandace Krueger Matthews. She is looking very pageanty with big wavy hair and brilliantly white teeth. But the G&S girls like KKM, because she is an Austin gal.
 
The Personality seems pretty gay, but he's all about how hot hot hot the ladies are. Showing that great range again? Add it to the resume!
 
The show cuts to Magen, the StbFMsTX as she slathers on make up in her dressing room. Pictures of her as a girl appear. She was very cute. It would be refreshing to see a picture of an ugly pre-teen Miss Texas with braces and zits, to give the awkward young viewers some hope, but that never happens on these shows. Oh well, it seems that her punishment for always being pretty is having to spend most of this show surrounded by those singing cadet dorks. The ca-dorks dance her out onto the stage. Poor Magen.
 
Well, it's time to whittle the contestants down to a final fifteen, except that there was a tie! So there are actually sixteen contestants in the Final Fifteen. They introduce the ladies with an "interesting" fact about them...but most of them aren't that interesting. Miss Travis County, Miss Mid Cities and Miss Fort Worth want to be broadcast journalists. Miss Fort Bend was a junior Olympian. Miss Tomball's friends think she's abnormally responsible. The G&S girls like to call this type of person the "designated driver." Call us, Miss Tomball!
 
Miss Austin wants to win the Publisher's Clearinghouse as well as this pageant. She's a dreamer. Meanwhile, Miss Lumberton's dream is to marry and have four kids. This makes Gigi gasp in horror, as the idea of being pregnant three more times is chilling. The G&S girls think that Miss Lumberton should go on the Bachelor!
 
Miss Southeast Texas' fun fact is that she does an impression of Forrest Gump. OK, how hilarious would it be if she did the impression during the Q&A time and answered every question with a slowly drawled, "Life is like a box of chocolates?"
 
Miss DFW and Miss North Texas are sisters. Eek! Who is the family rooting for? Have the girls been pageanting together their whole lives? Also, their names are Tahnae and Tavisty. Gigi is fascinated with the name Tavisty. It's so close to travesty, and yet it's not! Gigi might be drunk.
 
Time to meet the judges. This year's crop include a court reporter, a judge of dance competitions, a talk show hostess, a CEO, a guy who was appointed by the governor to do...something and a member of Mensa. That's right, nerds. You can also use that high IQ to judge young ladies in swimwear.
 
Magen the StbFMsTX tells us all about Laredo. It's not scary! They have hotels! They have an Olive Garden AND a Red Lobster! And a big mall! And what looks to be the Ice Capades. Yes, wussy ice dancers are not afraid to visit Laredo, you shouldn't be, either. They also have a George Washington parade where people dress up in colonial fashion and prance around town. The G&S girls would not have expected that from Laredo. It does make it a bit more appealing...
 
Cut back to The Personality. He seems to be wearing shoulder pads. Or maybe those are his reaaaally broad shoulders. Yes, that's probably it. The camera pans over the audience, where many of the pageant fans are holding up huge pictures of their favorite contestant. The G&S girls decide that they need to do this at the next pageant they attend, only they will be holding up pictures of themselves. Miss Gorgeous and Miss Sassy, your write-in Miss Texas USA candidates. True, they are not broadcast journalist wannabes, but maybe the Mensa guy would be impressed by a law student and a library science grad?
 
The preliminary awards are given out. Miss Alamo City and Miss Houston get most photogenic (G&S definition: most conventionally pretty). Miss Fort Bend County wins the swimsuit competition (G&S definition: nicest booty). Miss Westlake wins the congeniality award (G&S definition: least openly bitchy).
 
It's finally time for the swimsuit competition and there's basically no variation in the bodies of the Sweet Sixteen. The G&S girls have never been able to figure out whether this is because they are all in the same suit, all have the same surgeon, or are all genetic miracles.
 
The G&S girls notice something interesting about the set. It looks like the outline of a manger...in neon. How peculiar! Are they just recycling the set from Jesus Christ Superstar? It reminds Gigi of the time she went to the Christian theme park with her in-laws. It was not an uplifting experience.
 
"I'd never wanted a drink more." Gigi solemnly recalls. Luckily the G&S girls have a lot more wine for the pageant watching. It's a good thing, because the pageant does not seem to be over.
 
"This is endless, like the Oscars, but the fashion is more polyester." Shakira observes.
 
Once again, Laredo scenes are shown. Were you wondering what the contestants did while in Laredo? Well they went to chain restaurants and an arcade in a big ugly bus. Wow, how glamorous!
 
Time for the StbFMsTX to take her last strut as Miss Texas USA. It's kind of a walk of shame for Magen. She has to dance-walk around to "Ladies Night," as sung by the cadets. Oh poor Magen! Bet she can't wait to tear off in her Mustang, which she gets to keep forever and ever. At last the whole group of 121 contestants join her to sing another 70s favorite, "Someone Left My Cake Out in the Rain." Seriously. Yikes. The sadistic gay man who picked these songs certainly has a sense of humor. The G&S girls send their thanks. Perhaps this song is a tribute to the girls who didn't make the Sweet Sixteen. "I'll never have that recipe agaaaaain....boohoohoo." Let it out, girls. And, hey, once the pageant is over, you can actually eat some cake. The winner won't get to do that unless she purges.
 
According to The Personality, the evening gown competition is the hardest part of the whole pageant. That's funny, the G&S girls thought it would be most difficult to avoid laughing derisively at the cadets on camera. The contestants get to choose their own dresses, but it looks like all the choices came right out of Barbie's trunk. Ew. Miss Fort Bend County looks like a human disco ball. Miss River Oaks is wearing a dress that is very Solid Gold (McCoo Era). It is white with nude panty hose for sleeves. Miss DFW's dress gets points for being different. It has daring cut-outs at the waist. But the detailing is a little bit mariachi.
 
The hands-down favorite dress of G&S is Miss Webb County's white trash wedding gown. It is clearly inspired by the bride in Guns 'n Roses November Rain video. Awesome.

KKM and The Personality tell us more about the fabulous prizes that Miss Texas USA will receive. They include a trip to Mexico, that fabulous Mustang and her very own image consultant. The whole image consultant thing sounds intriguing to the G&S girls. Does this person follow the winner around all the time, giving her pointers like: "Wrong fork!" or "Spinach in your teeth!" or "Take off the beer googles, that's an A&M Singing Cadet!"
 
It's time to whittle the Sweet Sixteen to a Fabulous Five. The chosen ones are: Miss River Oaks, Miss Houston, Miss Alamo City, Miss Fort Bend County and Miss Webb County. Aw, both the Tarkenton sisters are out. Luckily both Axl's bride and Solid Gold dancer are in!
 
Next up are the interviews. God, the questions are laaaaame. As usual. Everyone gets a question about the public's perception of pageants and each contestant shockingly says something about how the perception is WRONG and pageants are GREAT! What else could they possibly say? Other lame questions are "Would you be uncomfortable asking a man on a date?" and "What's the best invention of the 21st Century?"

Shakira yells out "The Internets!" in answer to the invention question and the G&S Girls burst into hysterical laughter. They've been drinking.
 
The curtains on the manger open one last time to reveal the vest-wearing cadets, who serenade the ladies with a final 70s medley of "Last Dance," "Staying Alive," and "I Will Survive." The cadets sandwich each of the Fabulous Five and sing right at her. Ugh.
 
Finally the big moment has arrived! Here we go:
 
Fourth Runner Up: Miss River Oaks

Third Runner Up: Miss Alamo City
 
Second Runner Up: Miss Webb County
 
First Runner Up: Miss Houston
 
WINNER: Miss Fort Bend County
 
Woo-hoo! The crowd in Laredo roars as The Personality hands the winner the keys to her new kick-ass Mustang. She lets us know that she's been driving around in a 1995 Escort up until now. Perhaps this was her prize for winning the Miss Fort Bend County pageant? Well, she's in the big leagues now. Congratulations, Miss Texas USA!


Gigi and Shakira 07.20.07