Miss Texas USA Part One: The Dress Rehearsal

It's that magical time of the year once again. Time for the Miss Texas USA pageant. Wheeee! Your Gorgeous and Sassy correspondents were live at the scene of the rehearsal in "Legendary Lubbock," new hometown of Shakira. Here are the goods:

Gigi drives into town and the girls immediately prepare for the pageant by going to one of Lubbock's fine drinking establishments with Big Guy. They order doubles and the conversation gets naughty. They shift from Gigi's adventures in the dating world to the male anatomy in general. Big Guy has some good pointers for the ladies. "Just remember MOTB," he says, "Don't forget the stepchildren!" The man is a wealth of knowledge.

Contrary and The Conductor arrive and procure cocktails. Contrary has a celebrity sighting. "Hey, that girl looks just like Barbie!" she says.

"Malibu," Gigi agrees.

Alas, time has flown and the girls must leave for the pageant. At least they don't have to stop drinking: Shakira is bringing a flask full of vodka!

Upon arrival they are tempted by Miss Texas paraphernalia…t-shirts, etc. But damn…no thongs. The G&S girls would have totally purchased Miss Texas USA thongs. Oh well. They buy a program and a couple of Sprites with which to mix their vodka.

Oh my! The first thing the girls notice are five huge "eternal flames" on the stage. Classy. They are made of cloth, though, and not fooling anyone. The girls spy their seats: front and center! Excellent.

The show begins with the introduction of each of the competitors. Whew…good thing the girls have the program. They all look remarkably alike. Hmm…there is no longer a "Miss Flower Mound?" Damn! Fortunately there IS a Miss Golden Triangle. Hey, she's a brunette. "Guess the rug doesn't match the curtains," snarks Gigi. The girls burst into laughter, getting the first of many dirty looks they'll receive throughout the evening.

Miss Huntsville gets a HUGE cheer from the audience. Is the audience full of inmates? The girls look around uneasily.

Some of the names of the competitors seem a little strange. "Did they just say that girl's name is Lindsey Fungus?" asks Shakira. She consults the program.

The contestants go into a dance number performed to their own remake of the Bananarama remake "Venus." This makes Shakira think of shaving. All of the pageant contestants are in black and dancing around the one lone harlot in red. Oh…the harlot is last year's Miss Texas USA. Interesting symbolism. The dance has a weird move in it where it looks like the girls are all flipping us off. This shit is EDGY.

The show has the same co-hosts as it did last year: Lenny and Vanna. Kick ass! Lenny says that the pageant is in its final year in "legendary Lubbock." Shakira wonders what Lubbock is legendary for, and they find out that Lubbock is the "cultural hub of Southwest." Huh? Did Lubbock get a museum or something since last year's pageant? They introduce the mayor of Lubbock. Mayor Fucknoodle? That's what it sounds like. Vote Fucknoodle!

Oh goody, the Texas A&M singing cadets have also returned. Gigi is happy that she brought some Pepto.

The contestants prance around in these hideously fugly flesh colored shoes. Who the hell picked them?? It's a travesty! Someone should be fired. They are making a mockery of pageantry with those totally ungorgeous and unsassy shoes. The G&S girls are horrified.

Cut to commercials…also the same as last year. Loads of bridal stores. A cosmetic surgeon promises luxury accommodations for his patients. "At his house?" the girls wonder, "In his water bed?"

The cosmetic dentistry ad features these big brown snaggle smiles as "before" pics. That rocks! Check 'em out at www.smiletexas.com!

It's a good thing that this is a rehearsal, because Lenny is totally bungling his lines. He just called the former MsTXUSA by the wrong name! Can he not read a tele-prompter? What the hell is he talking about? "Did he just say 'take their panties off?'" Shakira asks loudly…earning more dirty looks from the pageant-loving crowd.

It's the last hurrah for the former Miss Texas. She is encircled by the gay singing cadets, who lip-synch at her while she stares into space. Apparently her name is Nicole…as noted by the screen behind her with the word "Nicole" printed over and over in a wide variety of fonts.

We learn that the winner receives a LOVELY Ford Mustang and gets to keep it even after her reign is over. Why is this fact emphasized? Do they take away all the other prizes after a year? Including the flesh-colored shoes?

The pageant is already getting old. Shakira peruses the audience: "We are definitely two of the hottest girls here. Yup-pageant moms a-plenty."

A guy on their row has binoculars, though he's sitting about four rows from the action. "What is he trying to see?" Shakira wonders.

"Maybe they're x-ray glasses!" Gigi guesses.

The finalists are announced and the G&S girls get all excited at the thought of the winners being chosen BEFORE the actual pageant. Sadly, they learn that the finalists are fake fakity fake.

Time for the swimsuit competition. They have put up these super ugly 80s style plastic palm trees in the background. To make the auditorium look more tropical? Sure. The girls feel like they're in Jamaica, mon. Wait, it's just the liquor.

Apparently the pageant directors made the girls get in their swimsuits and eat barbecue and listen to music by a group of pervy old cowboys. And they filmed this torture for everyone to watch. Sadists.

The G&S girls are happy to note that most of the girls have a little jiggle in their thighs as they strut in their swimsuits. Most of them don't even have the ass of a little boy. Wow! Let's hear it for female bodies! Apparently they are making a comeback.

The girls learn that nearly all of the fake candidates dream of becoming newscasters or teachers some day. How strange. Did they just randomly pick a group of women who all have the same career aspirations or do all pageant contestants have these ambitions?

Uh-oh…Shakira realizes she is sitting right next to Miss Teen Golden Triangle. This makes the girls laugh even more. Miss Teen Golden Triangle. It just sounds dirty. "If there's grass on the field, play ball!" Gigi snickers.

More facts about Lubbock: Did you know that Lubbock has the largest collection of historic windmills? No wonder it's the "cultural hub of the southwest." There are also some wineries that produce yummy cheap wine! Translation: Drink a lot while in Lubbock. That's what Gigi and Shakira are doing! All of this talk of Lubbock is making Shakira so very proud of her new hometown.

The cadets launch into the American Idol winning song "A Moment Like This." Good God! Shakira tips her Sprite n Vodka over on the program in her excitement. Oh shit. She fears she may have ruined her silver pants. As she gets up and squeezes her ass by Miss Teen Golden Triangle, the teen beauty queen and her pageant moms cringe in horror. No, it's not pee! It's Sprite n vodka, dammit!

Shakira returns to find that N Sync look-a-likes have taken the stage. Where's JUSTIN??! The group of himbos stand and ogle the girls as they walk through with their evening gowns on - one of them makes a dufus face each time she passes by. It's not sexy. It's just dumb.

Okay, it's time for the question and answer phase of the pageant. Miss Permian Basin is squeaky and also fails to answer her question from Lenny correctly. It is: "Where is the Permian Basin?" She just giggles nervously in response and bleats something about, "I just won the pageant there and here I am!"

Miss Bastrop admits the first thing she'll do when the pageant is over is eat! Now that's a gorgeous and sassy girl.

The girls stop listening to the pageant and flirt with the gay guy at the end of their row, to no avail. Meanwhile Miss Teen Golden Triangle has moved as far away from Shakira as she can get. My, they start those girls out early with rhinestones. Do you think Miss Teen GT knows how fakity fake they are?

Gross. The cadets are back and now THEY'RE singing "Venus." But hey, that means it's almost over. They prepare to announce the fake winner. The girls look all freaked out as if it's the real thing. Easy ladies…

And the fake winner is…Felicia? The choreographer? Har har har. Someone puts a Hula Hoop on Felicia instead of a mink coat. These pageant peeps are WACKY!

-Gigi and Shakira 07.28.03