The Gorgeous and Sassy girls are settled in on Shakira’s purple couch. They have their tiaras on and Shakira has diamonds in her lobes. It’s time for pageanting! The hosts this evening are Mr. Pageant himself, the host of the past two pageants, Lenny, as well as a former Miss Texas and Austin homegirl, Kandace Krueger! Woo! Aww, Lenny looks like he had a hard year.

This year’s sponsors are Ford, colored contacts, Bridesmart and a car rental place. Neat-o!

The contestants come out singing. What the hell is this horrible song? “Go to work in a miniskirt…am I giving you the right to flirt. Absolutely not!” Is this a feminist anthem? Good Lord!

The contestants are introduced one by one. Hmm…Golden Triangle is no more? That has to be a shout out to Gorgeous and Sassy! Some pageant officials must have read all of our hilarious pubic jokes in our Miss Texas articles last year and the year before.

The G&S girls remark on the contestants. Ms. Maverick County has a mullet!
Dude, Ms. Needville needs a new dress! She is needful in Needville.

Miss Tyler’s dress is not laying flat on her boobs. It’s more like a shield. Perhaps she is paying homage to the movie Troy.

There’s a Miss Uptown? Awesome. “Dude, we are soo Miss Uptown,” Gigi says.

The camera scans the audience. Shockingly, it’s not a packed house. “Do you think they have these people who fill seats when others go to the bathroom like at the Oscars?” Shakira wonders. “Could we do that?”

The theme for the night is Laredo: Gateway to Mexico. What was Lubbock? Gateway to boredom?

Oh boy, the singing cadets are back! Childhood photos of the Soon to Be Former Miss Texas are shown. Hey there she is with a hot guy! The STBF comes out and she is wearing a big white dress. It’s very wedding-y. Ick.

The STBF stands near her Mustang - the one she gets to keep! Forever! Hooray. The G&S girls love how they point that out. Would they really take the Mustang away? “The Mustang isn’t a totally white trash car or anything,” Shakira observes.

The previous Former Miss Texas, Nicole, has a great dress. Very sassy purple flowy number. The G&S girls applaud her fashion choice.

The top 20 contestants are announced, weeding out a sad 110. Gigi and Shakira applaud Miss Austin and then notice that all the girls have huge earrings. Miss Lake Willows is an exciting candidate as she bumps a few of the other bitches out of the way to get to the winner’s circle. These girls are much better at pageant walking than the Swans.

All the Former Miss Texases (Miss Texi?) keep talking about all the opportunities they’ve had from being Miss Texas. Gigi and Shakira notice how they fail to elaborate on exactly what those opportunities were.

The judges are introduced. They are:
-A guy who runs a talent/modeling agency. We’ll just call him “Perv.” He also won a humanitarian award. Okay…
-A former Miss Indiana
-An immigrant from Ecuador who works for UPS? What? He can’t seem to close his mouth. He’s salivating over the ladies.
-A former Miss Oklahoma who now sings for celebrity cruise lines. Nice!
-A cute guy who works for an ad agency. He licks his lips when the camera focuses on him. He’s hungry like the wolf!
-A former pageant contestant who tried multiple times but didn’t win…however she did win the coveted job of elementary school teacher.
-A tubby sleazy guy who directs pageants. We’ll call him “Big Perv.”
-A Director of International Sales for an ad agency. She once was a pageant contestant in Venezuela. She looks unhappy.

More information about the pageant is provided: the contestants stayed at a Holiday Inn, while the TV and pageant crew stayed at La Posada – a nice hotel where Shakira once stayed. Dude, the girls totally got screwed on the accommodations, AND they have to wear those fugly flesh colored shoes. AGAIN!

Next we are introduced to the mayor of Laredo. She is really cute and perky and so excited to have the pageant there. The Gorgeous and Sassy girls instantly love her.

Meanwhile, it turns out that the pageant girls were treated to a fabulous night of rib eating and country dancing. Some video footage shows them doing some sort of achy-breaky linedance shit.

“It’s a ho-down!” Shakira yells.

Ooh boy, it’s time for the swimsuit competition. The female form is apparently no longer in style as the viewing audience sees the equivalent of 20 prepubescent boys in two pieces strutting around the stage. The girls notice that three of the contestants have “The Crazy Eye!”

The commercial break brings us this gem: “Love at first sight…that’s what you’ll feel…when you enter your local Bridesmart.”

“Hmmm. All I felt was overwhelming dread,” Gigi says, shaking her head.

We learn that the winner gets her own official photographer for the year of her reign. What are they taking pictures of?

During some of the sponsor promotions the girls hear people in the audience screaming. Is there a disturbance at the pageant?

It’s down to ten lucky finalists. They are Miss Bay Area, Miss San Patricio County, Miss Corpus Christi, Miss North Dallas, Miss Harris County, Miss Central Plains, Miss Fort Bend County, Miss North Central Texas, Miss Lubbock, and Miss San Antonio

Hey, some of the sponsors are in the audience. We are introduced to them next. Strangely a bank executive seems to throw down some gang signs.

There’s still forty minutes left? The pageant is slowly killing the Gorgeous and Sassy girls.

Evening gown time. This means more singing cadets. Ugh. They are dancing with the pageant girls. Eeeek. The chubbiest one is really grooving to the weird techno music. The contestants have to walk around and teasingly touch the cadets. The doofus cadet dude from last year is doing another weird preening thing where he grabs the girls’ hands to help them down the stairs and he makes a weird face once again. Dude…it was lame last year. Still is.

The girls have heard that white evening gowns are what most of the winners have worn. Three contestants are wearing white! So exciting.

Miss North Dallas sassily flashes everyone some leg when she comes down the stairs. Miss North Central Texas has some really high, slit up to the crotch dress. Miss Central Plains’ dress is so narrow she has to take teeny-tiny steps. She stumbles a little on the catwalk. Shakira rewinds. She and Gigi giggle.

Suddenly we are treated to the history lesson on Laredo. The G&S girls fight to stay awake. “Didn’t we already learn about Laredo?” Shakira moans. They keep talking about Laredo’s amazing airport. Wow-ee! The G&S girls learn that both Cher and (the other) Shakira have performed in Laredo. Fascinating. This Shakira likes to get drunk in Laredo.

Finally the five finalists are announced. They are: Miss Bay Area, Miss North Dallas (wow, that leg flash worked!), Miss Central Plains (she made it despite the stumble…), Miss Fort Bend County (Crazy eye!), and Miss San Antonio. Only one white gown in the group.

The pageant girls have aspirations! Two want to be broadcast journalists, one is a future realtor, one hopes to be a businesswoman, one dreams of being an image consultant. Gee, what a surprise. “Where are the chemists?” Shakira snickers.

Time for the Question and Answer Session!

Miss Bay Area
Q: If you could walk in the shoes of anyone, who would it be?
A: Jackie O.
G&S: Good answer. She was filthy rich. Her shoes were probably Prada.

Miss North Dallas
Q: What qualities in a person are most important to you?
A: [rambling] Honesty….
G&S: Huh? What did she just say? Dude, wake up. Shakira, wake up.

Miss Central Plains
Q: What motivates you?
A: God. I am filled with the Holy Spirit right now!
G&S: Hmmm. I didn’t see the Holy Spirit on the judges’ panel.

Miss Fort Bend County
Q: What makes representing Texas different from other states?
A: We’re the best. Strong women, education. We love to be role models. [She stumbles while walking away.]
G&S: Oh honey. That’s a Texas-sized stumble. No one heard what you said. You’re going down.

Miss San Antonio
Q: What role could celebrities play in presidential campaigns?
A: They are famous and people look up to them. They have a positive impact and it’s important to set a good role model and celebrities can make a difference.
G&S: What?

Time for another commercial break. Oh God! The creepy snaggle tooth commercial from smiletexas.com. Ewww! From grotesquely brown teeth to a “pageant quality smile.” Wow! Shakira wonders if her smile is pageant quality. Is there some sort of test she can take?

The contestants’ next song is the weirdest thing the G&S girls have ever heard. “Whatta Way to Wanna Be” It’s an angry song about how hard it is to be perfect. The message of this song is to slow down, dammit! The line “this is not a contest” makes the G&S girls laugh. Hellllllooo? It’s a pageant. Isn’t the whole thing a contest?

Awww. It’s the sad final walk of the Soon to be Former Miss Texas. Soon she will lose that lovely fence-like crown.

The G&S girls pick Miss San Antonio as the winner. They are close! Miss San Antonio is the first runner up, but the Holy Spirit comes through as Miss Central Plains takes it all. She looks to be crying but her makeup stays flawless – it’s another miracle! She totters in her narrow dress as they throw a big ol’ mink on her and put the fence crown on her head while Lenny yells crazily about how fabulous she is. Clearly he is drunk. Good man, that Lenny.

The pageant ends with second round of the weird “Whatta Way to Be” song. All the girls are touching the new Miss Texas’s hair. Wow, that’s a lot of bobby pins.

Thank God it’s over.

-Gigi and Shakira 07.13.04