Miss Texas USA Part Two: The Real Deal

As soon as he hears the sweet sounds of "Venus," Mad Max, who has graciously offered to join me in my viewing, looks at me with horror in his eyes. "We need more alcohol!" He leaps from the couch and runs out to the corner store. In his absence I make note of a few interesting tidbits about this year's pageant. First, it's on NBC. A real station- not a crappy knock-off station like it was last year. And somebody proclaims it the "Emmy Award winning Miss Texas USA Pageant." Did they win the Emmy for last year's show? I mean, it was hilarious, but an Emmy? Whatever. Mad Max comes back with one of those BIG jugs of wine. Lovely. He is just in time to see the violently lip synching cadets. He pours us both a tumbler full of wine and we settle in.

I tell him that the pageant is much like the rehearsal…right down to Lenny and Vanna's costumes. Jeez, Lenny was sweating like mad at the rehearsal. I hope he aired that suit out!

So they name the 15 candidates and almost none of them are the girls from the rehearsal. What a mean tease that was for the fake candidates…. I am thrilled to hear that Miss Golden Triangle is a candidate. At least I have someone to cheer for.

They introduce the real judges. Not nearly as interesting as last year. Where is the steering wheel guy? The lady from Dallas? There is a former Miss Teen USA who has gotten chubby. Damn, that sucks. And she's sitting right near the former Miss Venezuela who still looks all pageanty. There is a cosmetic surgeon who "does charitable work on impoverished children with facial deformities." Yeah…when he's not doing boob jobs.

They make the big announcement that next year's pageant will be in Laredo. Hey, you can get cheap booze right across the border from Laredo. I see a Gorgeous and Sassy road trip in my future…

Commercials…same creepy shit as yesterday. Ha! The cosmetic surgery commercial asks, "Why go all the way to Abilene for your cosmetic surgery?" Well duh, all the best racks come from Abilene. Everybody knows that!

All of the real candidates want to be teachers, lawyers or newscasters, just like the fake ones did. Where are all of the librarians?? Miss Southeast Texas says her goal is to "transition into the field of medical sales." She wants to be a drug dealer? Awesome.

Miss Lubbock wants to follow in her father's "footstep" and become a lawyer. Her dad, Peg Leg McGee, is one of the most famous one legged lawyers in the state, you know. That's a big shoe to fill, Miss Lubbock.

The bulk of the pageant is much the same as the rehearsal. Nothing interesting happens and I get really drunk. I think Vanna is also drunk, because she announces that the new Miss Texas USA has to refrain from being "confaversol."

Finally after another grueling number by the A&M boys they prepare to announce the winners. Lola and Killa Gorilla both call in their votes. Lola and Mad Max are going with Miss Houston and KG and I are going with Miss Golden Triangle. Because the pubic jokes still kill me. What can I say? I work with 12-year-olds.

Miss Houston is the winner. Damn!! I weep for Golden Triangle.

That wraps up another Miss Texas USA pageant. I have learned that one need not watch the tv version if one goes to the rehearsal. It causes too big of a hangover. See you next year in Laredo!

-Gigi 07.29.03