Why I Love Melrose Place Reruns

There’s just something about being able to count on a TV show. And Melrose never fails to deliver. Crappy plotline with Homosexual Matt? Check. Taylor McBride throwing herself at Peter Burns? Check. Amanda Woodward with a biting comeback, while wearing the shortest skirt ever? Check. And let’s not forget about how Sydney is always doing something stupid which makes you shake your head with pity. Or the fact that some characters go completely insane in about eight episodes, and then—they die or move away. Frequently I comment aloud, “This show is awesome,” while sitting alone in my living room.

Sitting alone because nobody else watches this shit. GWH is always asking, “Why don’t you record something GOOD on the TiVo?” I mean, I KNOW it’s terrible and it’s trashy. And the acting sucks. Alison actually started a conversation with, “Listen…” three times in one episode. Variety, people. P.S. No one talks that way. Jake’s love for her is totally not believable. And Michael Mancini scoring all the chicks? Please. BUT—the show is consistent, as I said. Consistently bad. And awesome.

Did I mention the crappy 90s fashion? Dude. Did we dress that badly? The beginning credits feature people walking around Los Angeles, with shots of fancy cars and recognizable street signs. I think the people are supposed to look fly, but they just look stupid. Why did we wear jeans up to our armpits? What was up with the jumper? Even Amanda is in a jumper in a couple of episodes. (Okay, I still have a few in my closet, but I never claimed to be a fashionista.)

Here’s another thing that cracks me up while watching Melrose Place, and it’s a common theme on most soap operas. These people live in Los Angeles, and yet every person in town is at Melrose Place, Kyle’s, Shooter’s, D&D Advertising, or the hospital. And every person in town has to deliver messages in person, when it could have been done over the phone. For example:

ALISON: [At hospital, tracking Matt down on his rounds.] Listen. I just wanted to say thanks for helping me out the other day.
MATT: Hey, no problem.
ALISON: Well, I better get going.
MATT: Yeah. See you later.

Speaking of D&D, let me just say two things. The depiction of life at an advertising agency is so far-fetched, it makes me laugh. I beg you—if you’re in advertising or marketing, watch a couple of eps. It might take a couple to get a really good slice of advertising life as our hero Aaron Spelling interprets it…but, damn. I saw one yesterday in which the ad for Kyle’s restaurant won some type of award. I think it was supposed to be an Addy. And the ad in question didn’t even have a headline. It featured a photo of Taylor holding a menu. And said, “Kyle’s Restaurant.” Worst. Ad. Ever. But it won an award, which gave Amanda an excuse to throw a cocktail party at…you guessed it. D&D. I can’t believe it wasn’t at Kyle’s.

Which brings me to my second comment about D&D. Amanda Woodward freakin’ rocks. I think I was too young the first time around to truly appreciate her bitchiness and independence. She actually says the things you’re always thinking. Like, “When you’re done fawning over my husband, I’ll be ready to go.” Or the time she started banging pots and pans in the kitchen because Peter was hungover and she was pissed at him. The girl knows what she wants and isn’t afraid to step on, sleep with, or piss off anyone to get it. I love her.

Oh yeah, let's not forget the fact that every time two people start making out, we hear these ridiculous guitar riffs. Somewhere between porn music and Whitesnake. Hilarious.

According to imdb.com, Melrose Place ran from 1992 – 1999. Wow. That’s my freshman year in high school through the year I graduated from college. And I know I was too busy with various X-boys to watch some of that time. That means there’s just more goodness waiting for me. Completely untapped, delicious storylines with bad 90s fashion. I can’t wait. Thank God for Tivo.

-Shakira 04.26.05