The Mean Reds

I fucking hate getting my period. Hate. It. Yeah yeah yeah, this rant's been done before. Well don't read it if you don't wanna hear it, because I fucking feel like shit and I need to rant about it. Shakira and I may do these period rants monthly if we need to, because it's worth saying over and over and over, ad infinitum. During Menstrual Syndrome (DMS) is way worse than PMS in my opinion. And the antidotes to these monthly woes are menopause and pregnancy. Yay!! Oh what fun it is to be a girl...

I hate that I have to spend my last five bucks on tampons when I really want a sandwich. I hate that I had to wear my "fat jeans" two days in a row because all of my normal waistbands are rubbing against my navel ring and sending a sharp stabbing pain through my belly button. I hate that I am 30 years old and I have like 5 big zits on my face, and teen boys are asking me if I'm in their science class. And speaking of teen boys, I hate the bag boy at the supermarket who acted all squeamish when picking up my pack of tampons and putting them in the bag. Hey asshole, I am not making you bag my used tampons so stop acting like you are going to get some kind of girl contamination by touching a box of "feminine products." I fail to comprehend how a kid who probably jerks off into his gym sock every damn night to visions of Britney Spears in her Pepsi commercials can be such a wuss about it anyway. I'd rather touch the tampon box than your socks, pal. You know Britney gets a period too, and she's certainly not going to make you her lover-man if you can't run to the store and get her a box of Tampax now and again. Jesus!

I hate that after taking three Advils I still have gut wrenching cramps as if my angry uterus is twisting itself into knots. And I could barely stand to sit in my fucking oven-like car for my half hour commute to work. I don't even know how I got there considering how every middle aged dipshit yuppie asshole or tight-assed soccer mom on the planet was driving his/her super huge Ford Titanic at about 30 miles an hour on the INTERSTATE. GET OUT OF MY FUCKING WAAAAAAAAY YOU BIG DUMB HIPPO!!!

I hate that I feel this shitty and still I have to work with a crowd of loud and demanding 9-12 year olds when I'd so much rather be home curled on my couch watching junky daytime tv and snacking on cereal right from the box. Dealing with kids is absolute torture when you are in the throes of DMS. They won't leave me alone. They never leave me alone. They love me. I am generally fond of them, but today they make me want to SCREAM. Can you guys just go bother someone who maybe isn't doubled over in pain??? OK??? Someone who doesn't look like they are having a psychotic break? That wouldn't be me. The only good thinkg about being with the kids is the reminder that they are what can happen when you DON'T get your period. Hey, it could always be worse...I could have one of these little demons in my HOME for 18 years!!! UGH.

I am going to go home and take the DMS cure. I'll set up my little tv/vcr combo on the bathroom counter and put on some junky tv. Then I'll get in a nice warm bath where I'll sip a big strong cocktail. Repeat until the pain fades.....

-Gigi 9.4.02