The Man Killer: A Greeting Card Review

In the checkout line at Randalls I happened upon the worst greeting card in the history of greeting cards. It was one of Hallmark's "Personal Expressions" cards, in pretty soothing colors. Don't let this colors fool you. This card made me laugh out loud and uncontrollably, not because it was funny, but because the idea of sending this little greeting to some unsuspecting guy after a first date (or leaving it on his pillow after a one night stand) and then somehow witnessing or hearing about his horrified reaction made me almost fall on the floor in hysteria. OK, yes, those are extremely inappropriate times to send a card. But this card is so bad, that one should only send it at such an inappropriate time, because it would be wildly funny. If you are sending it to show how you feel, PLEASE save your $2.49. For the love of God.

As a single Gorgeous and Sassy girl, I can tell you that I've dated all different types of guys, from musicians and artists to computer geeks and firemen. Let me tell you, this card would have caused ALL of them to run. This card is the universal man killer. Beware.

The Man Killer (not actual title, though it should be!) is one of their "love" themed cards and features a picture of chalk pastels and scribblings and blendings, probably to symbolize the artistic blending of two lives. Awwww. Like I said, it's pretty. Unfortunately it is a long rectangular card with this teeny tiny writing that takes up the whole front side. The message, by Suzanne Berry, is all about thanking the receiver of the card for accepting the sender "as is", for thinking all of the things that she ('cause this card was definitely made for the girls) has shared "are all important, just because they're part of me." For loving her, all sides of her. Blah, blah, blah. It ends with the line "It's been wonderful to discover someone so loving, so accepting. It's been wonderful to discover you." My favorite part, though, is that the card is a tri-fold thing, so that you actually have a whole huge blank area of space to fill with tiny writing to continue to overwhelm the sender with your sappy, overly grateful message.

OK, first of all - and correct me if I'm wrong - there don't seem to be many guys out there who enjoy a long, extremely wordy message. Looking at this card would probably give him that deer-in-the-headlights expression, because it's got a LOT of words. Little, really emotional words. I'm not going to get all "Men are From Mars" on your ass, but you have to remember that men and women are different creatures. This card would be a lot of guys' nightmare, you know?

And maybe I am just a bitch, but it seems really low self-esteem to send a card thanking someone (profusely and effusively!) for "accepting" you. As is. Hello? If you need to thank somebody for accepting you, then you need to go to therapy because that's the least you deserve. The very least. If you feel this way, why not take my bitch route and remind him how lucky he is to be with someone as fun and weird as you are? How he could be with somebody boring and stupid, but instead he's got you! And for God's sake, don't say "as-is" because it makes you sound like a used car. A really shitty one.

Maybe Gorgeous and Sassy should come out with a line of cards...because Hallmark? You're missing the mark!

- Gigi 03.14.05