"Are you hungry?" Big Guy asks when I arrive.

"Is that a rhetorical question?" I respond.

We go directly to Café J's and instead of eating right away, proceed to get smashed. Big Guy is drinking martinis. Very large martinis. There's a warning sign on the wall about drinking more than three. I myself have selected vodka tonic as my drink of choice (always a good standard) and my, does the bartender have a heavy pour.

As we get up to go to our table, I can barely make it down the hallway.

"Big Guy, I am having…I am having trouble…walking." He can't hear me; he's busy calculating how many martinis he's had. In the bathroom later, I actually talk to myself in the mirror.

The next day, poor Big Guy has to go to work. I don't know how he makes it; I sleep until 10:30 when Madame V calls to check on me. I have lunch at a fabulous Thai restaurant called Choochai (I know! Can you believe it? Thai in Lubbock!) and then decide to go to a movie.

And Lubbock has movie theaters. Two of them. My popcorn is served to me by some guy who keeps wiping his nose on his sleeve. Ewwww. Is that butter or snot on my food? Popcorn is lacking, but The Life of David Gale is so powerful that I walk from the theater in a daze, reviewing the film in my mind. Four stars. Go see it immediately! (This has nothing to do with Lubbock, but it IS a review, after all.)

That night, we have dinner at Orlando's. Our entire meal is made up of cheese. Bleu cheese dressing on our salad, fried mozzarella and focaccia. Yum. Cheese. And some vodka tonics. I can handle this.

From there, it's Clouseau's, which is too bright to be a bar. What's up with that? No one wants to see the person they're talking to in a bar. Big Guy comes back from the bathroom and tells me he ran into Shoeshine Joe. Shoeshine Joe is of the opinion that "a little glow on [his] toe" will help Big Guy get laid. No comment. Due to the poor acoustics, the sound of the band Nappy is killing us. Or maybe it's just that the band is that bad. Either way, we miss the Great Guinness Toast and head home.

All I can say about Saturday afternoon is this: Old School. See it. Laugh. See it again, just for Will Farrell's gymnastics routine. THIS MOVIE IS SO FUNNY.

We head to Crickets that night for drinks. "Uh-oh, you're gonna love this," Big Guy tells me. "This guy has a vest on—with nothing underneath." I wait for an opportune moment to subtly turn and check him out. It looks like he put on a suit but forgot the jacket. And the shirt. That's right, this guy has a suit vest on, with nothing underneath, and it's tucked into his pants. Yes, ladies, he MIGHT still be single! Hurry to Lubbock! On the other hand, there are some big boys out here that DON'T dress funny. (They grow 'em big out there, huh? Mmmm. -Gigi)

After we run into Big Guy's friends—The Deb and her boyfriend The Cheez—we decide to go see a show. It's Elvis! (Okay, it's Elvis T. Busboy and the Blues Butchers.) And he's playing at The Spoon. The thing about The Spoon is: it's not really called The Spoon; that's just the name everyone uses since the property sports a gigantic spoon. Interesting. I have idea what the real name is, in fact. Inside, a cold Shiner Bock is waiting for me. Oh yeah, The Cheez rules!

The Cheez insists on buying all the beer. I decide not to complain. Big Guy grabs my hand and leads me to the dance floor. We proceed to tear it up and show Lubbockites how it's done. I don't know if anyone else realizes just how fabulous we dance. I do know that they just keep asking for more. I'm not deluded…am I? And damn if The Cheez hasn't got another Shiner Bock waiting for both of us as we bow and take our exit from the dance floor.

The Deb and The Cheez challenge us to a few games of pool back at their house. More cocktails! The Deb pulls out some rather, uh, generic liquor. So I end up drinking Crystal Palace and Sprite out of a plastic Red Raiders cup. It only improves my game. Okay, I lie. My game SUCKS. But I'm doing better than The Cheez, who says, "We're stripes, right?" and promptly sinks a solid, while The Deb makes fun of him.

In the morning I have that horrible I'm-Too-Hungover-To-Sleep-Anymore feeling. I get up and manage a shower despite my inability to walk. I get back in bed and blissfully sleep for a few more hours. By 1 p.m. we've struggled across the parking lot to Denny's. There's not a soul eating at Denny's, but for some reason, it takes approximately 17 hours for our food to arrive. I feel like crying when I realize there is no Swiss cheese, grilled onions or mushrooms on my Boca burger. And no cheese or onions on top of my hash browns. Big Guy is nice enough to share the grilled onions and mushrooms from his Philly cheese steak. Awww. Now that's love.

Summary:

Café J		Find the bartender with the heavy pour and order a salad. You're set!
Choochai		Not the best veggie menu in the world, but good stuff.
Orlando's		Mmmm. Cheese. And those cute red-checked tablecloths. I'll go back.
Clouseau's		Someone needs to turn the lights down and fix the acoustics. Make sure to order doubles. The cocktails are a bit small.
Nappy		If you're into 17-minute songs without vocals, this band is for you.
Cricket's		Best bar in town.
The Spoon		I've heard you don't go here during the day. Make sure it's not well-lit.
Elvis T. Busboy		Love this band!
Denny's		Ew. Ew. Ew.

-Shakira 02.26.03