Lessons Gigi has Recently Learned

1. One can become pregnant IMMEDIATELY when one is a bit lax with the birth control.
Gigi, like many 15 year olds, assumed that it took many months and possibly years of not using birth control to conceive a child.

2. Boy bands have magical effects on Gigi's ovaries.
Lucky Gigi knows the exact night she was knocked up! Did seeing all those cute, slightly post-pubescent fellows shaking their booties and crooning love songs drive her ovaries into overdrive? Or was it the large quantitiy of wine? We may never know.

3. False positives are rare in pregnancy tests.
Four false positives are even more rare. Welcome to motherhood!

4. Morning sickness is an utter misnomer that totally minimizes its true wretchedness.
It should be called "The Worst Fucking Hangover/PMS Combination You've Ever Had For 4 Months." Or something similar.

5. Food aversions make little sense and cannot be conquered.
Gigi can no longer stomach previously enjoyed foods like chicken, chocolate, raviolis, coffee, anything minty...and many other previously loved snacks. In fact, she might as well go ahead and sit at the kid's table with her super-picky six year-old nephew, because she really only likes grilled cheese, potatoes and fruit that someone else cuts up for her.

6. Pregnancy opens the floodgates to torrents of unsolicited advice.
Gigi does not understand why many "helpful" souls want to tell her what she should and should not be doing. She's actually aware that drinking, caffeine, and heavy drug use are not beneficial to a fetus, because she doesn't live under a rock. But thanks! She also doesn't care that it's ok to drink coffee or a glass of wine now again or do a little cocaine once in a while, because you did it and your baby is a model specimen! Hey, good for you. She will not validate you or judge you, because she simply doesn't care. She's kind of a self absorbed bitch that way.

7. There are positive and negative effects of pregnancy hormones.
Gigi has a lovely feeling of well-being much of the time. This is when she loves the hormones! But she also gets flashes of murderous rage like never before! She doesn't really mind the rage, but it seems to bother others. It would probably be best to stay out of her way. Also, she cries really easily, so don't be surprised if a dog food commercial comes on and she has to excuse herself. Try not to laugh openly, though, because she'll seriously try to kick your ass.

-Gigi 09.13.06