Lady Killer: A Review of a Lifetime Movie

The movie opens with what sounds like porn music, but with trepidation. Oh, this is gonna be good. We see Jack Wagner—my, he's been working out since his days on Melrose. Basically, Jack's banging Judith, who's married and sporting an extremely ugly mushroom do. It's the Pacey pompadour! Not that we watch Dawson's Creek. Oh wait, we do. Jack loves him some older tail, as he relates the story of his first lay: his mother's best friend, when he was seventeen. Oh, you stud. Judith is loving the attentions of the young and randy Jack.

"I feel alive again!" her voiceover tells us. "His long fingers turned out to be a very good omen." Some girls have all the luck! But Judith is married and alas, she must spend her birthday with her husband instead of in a hot tub all weekend with her lover. Jack writes a her a note saying that he understands, but he'll miss her. Signed with a "frowny face." Foreshadowing? Oh yeah, this guy's a psycho.

Judith and her husband have it out. "You make me feel like a wife!" she tells him. Oh the humanity. She wants him to "unlock her secret door." Is that in her pants? Cuz Jack done stole the key. Her hubby "unlocks" all weekend long with his tool. Judith loves him again and resolves to end her affair. Hey, the girl just needed some "cozy warm sex." I'm sorry, was it cold in the tub with Jack?

She and Jack take a walk in the park and she borrows George's speech: "It's not you, it's me." Jack squints in confusion. Squinting is really Jack's forte. He has the Happy Squint, The Pissed-Off Squint, and our favorite: The Squint of Sexual Prowess. That squint prompted Gigi to write a fan letter to Jack when she was thirteen. On jungle-print paper misted with Love's Baby Soft. No response. Bastard. Gigi practices her Pissed-Off Squint. But we digress. Back to the scintillating drama.

Shakira thinks it would be hilarious if Jack yelled, "Who's the Boss, Judith? I'm the boss!" in sort of a meta-TV moment. Unfortnately, Lifetime is not so post-modern. Instead, he just squints some more. And his hair has the gelled "wet look." Down with the wet look! Hey guys! It's NOT attractive!

Judith goes to her volunteer job giving tours at the planetarium. Weee. That sounds fascinating. She has to wear a hideous polyester uniform in Nancy Reagan red. Judith looks like shit. Surprise surprise, Jack shows up and he's hoppin' mad! The squint is out of control! Take cover, Judith! She runs right into the planetarium while the ONE security guard is busy flirting with planetarium-hos. Jack is in hot pursuit and tackles her. His attempted rape is interrupted finally by the security guard. Jack flees.

Judith is in the hospital. Tracey Gold arrives on the scene, much to our delight. She's Judith's daughter. This movie just keeps getting better. She vows to help her mother through this drama, but first she has to go to the bathroom. Lo and behold, who works at this very same hospital? Our favorite plastic surgeon/architect Jack! He directs Tracey to the bathroom. Later he'll be directing her to his bedroom. Ewwww.

Judith and her husband head off to the Frozen Tundra for some R & R. Where the hell are they? Who vacations in Siberia? Judith has ditched the mushroom cap in favor of a Winger style. Kip Winger was such a hottie. But the feathered look doesn't do anything for Judith. That and the fact it's not 1980 anymore. She stares forlornly at the lighthouse. Phallic symbol anyone?? Meanwhile, Jack is rowing…somewhere. Is he rowing to the Tundra in search of Judith? He will not be deterred from his true love. Dude, Gigi's stalkers usually give up if there's rowing involved.

Tracey brings her boyfriend to meet her parents at the Tundra Vacation Home. Well, well, lookie here. It's Jack! EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! And he's wearing a REALLY bad Cosby sweater. Judith looks horrified but manages to hide her revulsion. She could always use the sweater as an excuse. It's making us nauseous.

Jack won't stop squinting and smirking as he fondles Tracey at the dinner table. Ew. Later, Judith stands outside their bedroom door and hears giggles and groans. And grunts. Judith, that's disgusting! Get away from the door! Please! Jack hops out of bed for a bathroom break-maybe he needs a condom? We hope he's double-bagging it for Tracey's sake-and runs into Judith. She tells him to stay the hell away from Tracey.

He informs her smarmily, "You're much better in bed than your daughter." Oh, you sweet-talking devil, that'll win her over! Judith responds by slapping his squinty face. Jack squints in shock. A new squint! Oscar for Jack! He has such range!

The next day Jack and the husband go out hunting. Whose idea was this? Of course someone's gonna get shot. How stupid are these people? Judith immediately begins covering the furniture with sheets. What the hell? Is this some Tundra Custom for the removal of unwanted guests?

Naturally, Jack shoots the hubby and zips over to the house on the snowmobile. Tracey is conveniently shopping? At the Tundra-Mart? Where did she go? Not important. Jack starts putting the mack down on Judith, trying to woo her with sweet nothings about her dead husband. God, this guy's smooth. Tracey interrupts them and is shocked to see her boyfriend pawing her mom. Years of therapy. Oh yeah.

Judith claims her innocence and confesses to the affair, but Tracey isn't having any of it. Suddenly out of nowhere, Tracey changes her mind. Maybe the middle of the scene is on the cutting room floor? What the hell? She jumps on the snowmobile and tears off in search of her dad. She must have felt him hurting.

Meanwhile, Judith runs for her life, towards the big penile lighthouse. Oh God, Jack is chasing her up the lighthouse! How naughty is that? The lighthouse seems to represent a confusing symbol in this movie: erection vs. salvation. Hmmm. Wait, we're drunk.

Anyway. Running. Lighthouse. A scuffle. Somehow Jack is hanging off the edge of the roof-and Tracey has reappeared, also climbing the lighthouse with Jack. Interesting. And gross. Judith crushes the long fingers that once gave her so much pleasure, and he falls from the lighthouse and lands like a little psychotic snow angel. Oh Jack, your erection was your destruction! Of course, this is the message of most Lifetime movies. Roll credits.

-Gigi and Shakira 04.03.03