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La Bare, Part Trois
“La Bare is a tradition born out of our heartbreak. Every time we go it celebrates our triumph against terrible odds. It’s ironic that our first La Bare was after our breakups with the Invisible Boyfriend and Big Lie…who were not exactly sexual dynamos,” Gigi comments on the way to the liquor store.
The girls peruse the aisles at the liquor store. So many choices and so little time!
“Oooh screw top!” Gigi yells, finding a 4-pack of chardonnay.
“Look, it’s called ‘Lil’ Joeys’,” Shakira says. “Isn’t that appropriate for today?”
“Yes!” Gigi agrees and they’re on the way to the cash register. They spy a bottle of 12-year-old scotch with tiny cups next to it. Are these samples? To prepare for the man samples later? The girls partake.
“Mmm, warm in my tummy,” Shakira slurs on the way to the car.
“I feel good now,” Gigi says. Time to get behind the wheel!
“That guy behind the counter didn’t think we were funny. What’s up with that?”
“Yeah, I hate him.”
The girls are trying to avoid a cover—yes, they like the cheap menz—so the plan is to arrive in Dallas and at La Bare before 9 p.m. Gigi puts those defensive driving skills to work, while Shakira pops in the Madonna CD. The girls discuss their love for “Like a Prayer.”
“Remember how pissed the Catholics were about the burning crosses in this video?” Shakira reminisces.
“Not to mention the hot black Jesus! Mmm.”
“Will there be a Jesus tonight?”
“I bet we’ll yell, ‘Oh Jesus!’”
“That’s one way to praise the Lord!”
The conversation progresses to The Men of La Bare and Shakira’s old favorite, Naughty Nick.
“Maybe we should think of a new name for him,” Gigi says. “Can you think of a famous elephant?”
“Dumbo!” Shakira yells.
“It’s not his ears that are big…”
“It’s his trunk!”
The girls roar with laughter, delighted with their penis joke. Who says penis jokes aren’t funny? Speaking of funny, men are so funny about their schlongs. They all seem to think twelve inches is ideal. The girls disagree.
“Twelve is too much…eight is too much…five’s all you need,” Shakira opines, taking a swig of 7-Up and vodka. Yum.
The girls arrive at their favorite motel: The Deeeeee-lux Inn. Gigi wonders if maybe there’s a hot tub, since the sign says, “Jacuzzi - Now Open.”
“It says Jacuzzi right there!” Shakira yells with glee.
“Woohooo!”
Baseball Mitt Face is still working the counter. And he still hates the girls.
“We need a room with two beds,” Gigi says.
“How many people?” Baseball Mitt looks them over with disdain.
“Um, just two.”
“Who?”
“Us,” Gigi snarls.
BMF assigns the girls to the room farthest from him—and on the top floor. Where the hell is this Jacuzzi? And there’s no ice machine. And ewwww—used soap on the counter next to a suspicious hair. When did the Deeeeee-lux spiral so far downward? The girls must have been more drunk last time.
They crack open some wine (at the crack den) and flip on Lifetime. At least the Deeeeee-lux has cable! And the girls are in luck: Student Seduction has just begun. This looks promising! It’s the lifeguard from "The North Shore" as a student and the ho from Showgirls (also known as Jessie on "Saved by the Bell") as the teacher. Uh-oh. The girls may never make it to La Bare!
“How’s the wine?” Shakira asks.
“Nice. You can pound it.”
The girls manage to pull themselves away from Student Seduction to make it to the bar at 8:57. No cover! Mission accomplished. And oh, look, Dumbo is already shaking his groove thang….er, trunk.
Shakira spies a hunk with some large nads. “Look at that—his balls are like baseballs!”
“Let’s call him Sporto,” Gigi says.
Two men are up on one of the platforms dancing. It’s kind of weird.
“That’s not so sexy to me. It’s kind of gay,” Gigi says. “Not gay in the hot way.”
The arrival of the first pair of Velcro pants excites the girls and Gigi decides LP is definitely getting a pair for Valentine’s Day. It’s about damn time that Gigi was able to enjoy the Velcro pants on a real man instead of only in her dreams. Was that what Debbie Gibson was singing about?
“That cock is on fire!” Shakira points out, draining her Coors Light. Indeed, there is a man on stage with a flame-adorned thong. It’s hot! He’s giving a lap dance to some girl. Watch out! Don’t get burned! Stop drop and roll!
“Who’s this young thing?” Gigi inquires, seeing a new man walk by. Because inquiring minds want to know.
“He certainly is trim,” Shakira observes. “But are those Aqua Sox?” Hmmm. Definitely. Not. Sexy.
“Hey, that guy over there is in tighties!” Gigi says.
“Which one?”
“The Russian.” Somehow that makes sense. Oh, right. The Russian. “What is it about this place? I can’t stop saying ‘cock’,” Gigi wonders.
“I need a cock-tail!” Shakira yells at the smarmy waiter. Why are all the waiters in this place creepy? It’s like they have to offset the hotness.
The DJ hasn’t changed either. Still very annoying. “Fernando is actually taller lying down than he is standing up,” he croons. What? Really? What? That’s just a bad penis joke. And Fernando is a fugly midget.
“Ooh the siren! Is there a fire?” Gigi asks.
“Yeah, on that guy’s cock—remember?” Shakira answers.
Next up: the artist. He’s stripped down to his pant-spattered Velcro pants and is painting on his naked chest. He paints a heart and then a U and then…
“Is he painting ‘long time’ on his cock?” Shakira asks.
After the artist, a group of men take the stage. There’s some choreographed pointing and pirouettes. And though they’re hot, they still look slightly gay while dancing. And not in the hot gay way. Every once in awhile, a dancer will come out and perform part of a movie. For example, one of them lip synchs a scene from Cocktail. (How appropriate!) But he’s a very bad lip syncher. They’re all very bad. Do these guys practice? Maybe just thrusting and pirouetting.
Next up: Elvin. Ewww. Elvin is ugly. Elvin has a tiny chest. Elvin is small yet chubby. And his name makes the girls think of Hobbits. Go away, Elvin. The girls are rewarded with the sweet strains of “Love Bites.” Shout-out! And oooh, it’s the Young Un! This is the best part yet: it’s a Def Leppard medley! “Love Bites” is followed by “Pour Some Sugar on Me.” Was the Young Un even born when these songs came out? No matter. He’s thrusting and pirouetting like a champ!
The DJ pulls a Bachelorette up onto the stage and encourages other girls to join her in a train. “How many girls out there have husbands and boyfriends?” he yells. “How many of you like sex? How many of you want to see some…” his voice trails off and the girls look at each other in astonishment. And maybe a little fear.
“Are we going to see someone naked? Is that legal?” Gigi asks. Maybe a fake stripper cop will arrest them and take them “downtown.” Ewwww.
The bachelorette group dances around the stage in a train, filing off the stage to make room for the Men of La Bare. The Head Bachelorette sits in a chair while the menz swarm around her.
“Tea bag!” the DJ yells. Ewww. Is that what’s happening here? It’s a group tea bag? Gross! La Bare has just crossed the line.
Next up: “Thriller.” Um, La Bare? “Thriller” is not thrilling. It’s just creepy and gay. There is a group of men wearing weird costumes. A wolfman, a zombie and…who knows. Is it a hobo? Thank God that one is quick and there’s no stripping involved.
Hmmm. La Bare is not really delivering like it has in the past. Could this have something to do with GWH and LP? The girls blame them. They are so smitten they can’t enjoy the parade of fresh man meat. Sigh. But something really good might be on Lifetime!
-Gigi and Shakira 01.24.05
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