Things I Learned While Working With Kids

People, let me just tell you that miracles can happen. After 2 1/2 years of working with the children I have finally found another job....sans children! Hooray!!! I haven't even had time to be happy, I'm just stunned. I never believed it could happen. I was convinced I'd be spending my golden years in the library helping the poster children for birth control...uh, I mean America's youth...and crying in my flask because none of them read, EVER. And speaking of my special library flask, the liquor store will be very sad about my news, as my consumption levels are sure to be going way down. Sorry guys, it seems I'm gonna need those brain cells after all.

Of course now that I'm in my last week and a half with the kids, I have realized that there are some things that I'm really going to miss. And I've learned some valuable things by working with adolescents. Here are six of the best:

1. Ludacris and Chingy. I know and love these guys now. Sadly, I've forgotten how you actually spell "ludicrous."

2. "That's my huuuuuuuusband!" This is one of my favorite sayings, 'cause it just sounds so sexy and appealing, unlike my actual experience with having a husband. However, as I've mentioned before, I mostly say it about beer. Or Justin Timberlake.

3. Pasting your picture in with pictures of celebrities and telling people that you hang out with/date them is a great way to trick your friends. George Clooney looks damn good on a date with me. Sure it's a little stalkerish and creepy, but many fun things are. Right? Eh, whatever.

4. Candy is an excellent bribery tool. Every penny I spent on sugary treats has been well worth it. They can't sass you if their mouths are fully of Milk Duds.

5. Kids will respect you more if they think you might be crazy. Project an air of instability. If they think you're a little loony, they are going to try not to set you off. Actually this works with men, too.

6. There is nothing funnier than a good fart joke. Get a whopee cushion and fun will ensue. It's comedy gold!!

-Gigi 05.26.04