[Tuesday. Work.] Phone rings:

Gigi: I have a proposition for you.

Shakira: Go.

Gigi: Okay so I entered every contest on the Chronicle website and I won some tickets.

Shakira: Go.

Gigi: Are you interested in Kelly Clarkson?

Shakira: Hold on. I have to walk away from my cube. Hold on………………………YES! I LOVE KELLY!

Gigi: Sweet! I’ll pick you up on Thursday at eight.

[Thursday. Jackson-Ruiz.]
Shakira has just finished getting her hair done and her hairdresser won’t let her leave without a shower cap. “Girl, you just paid for a $60 blow-dry—you cannot mess your fabulous hair. Tell Kelly I said hello, and that I do your hair…”

The girls look at the rain and decide to have a drink. Why are there no bars near Jackson-Ruiz? Luckily Shakira has her flask. The girls opt for Italian vanilla sodas with a hint of vodka. How about another hint? Yes! The rain is abating and the drinks are a-flowin’. Time to get behind the wheel!

Gigi pilots her trusty green machine to a parking garage near the Erwin Center. She parks next to all the Soccer Mom Vehicles that have deposited fellow Kelly fans at the concert. The girls run across the street in the rain, following a group of 13-year-olds.

“Awesome,” Shakira says, still sporting the shower cap. “Are we old or what?”

The girls make it to the Erwin Center, hoping desperately for beer. Shakira removes her shower cap, to the relief of Gigi and all the other girls—who have wet hair! Shakira is sure they are jealous of her beauty. The G&S girls go into the bathroom to towel off and are confronted by horrifying fun-house mirrors.

“Oh my God! Did I just gain twenty pounds?”

“Since you were thirteen? Well, probably.” Shakira looks sadly at their fellow pre-pubescent fans.

“I like your shoes!” one of them says, and Shakira beams with pride. She’s hip! She looks at the fun-house mirror.

“Beer, stat.”

The girls race to the escalator and pass a “secret” room for press only. They’re drinking real beer in there!

“We have to get press passes,” Gigi says.

The line for beer is way long. A guy behind the G&S ladies has many one-dollar bills. Hmmm. Stripper? Gigi spots a girl that looks like The Joker from Batman. How unfortunate. Even more unfortunate, she’s with Ashlee Simpson’s doppelganger. Let’s hope she’s not going to “sing.” Gigi nudges Shakira.

“Jorts,” she whispers, gesturing to the Round Rock couple in front of them in line. “Eww.”

“Are they on a date?” Shakira whispers, horrified. People come to Kelly Clarkson on DATES?

The girls hear screams. Kelly has arrived on stage. They grab their beers (mmm tall Shiner Bock—thank God the Erwin Center serves now) and run to their seats. Hey, these are good seats! Thanks Chronicle!

Kelly. Oh Kelly. Take it from two apple-bottom girls: do NOT wear hip hugger pants without shoes. It doesn’t accentuate your curves properly and you just look…short. Invest in some platforms and pretend to be tall. Seriously. The G&S girls love your booty and you should too!

But Kelly has a great voice! The G&S girls know why she’s the American Idol. Hot damn that girl can sing! But why does she sing about such sad things? Kelly brings the house down with several heartbreak songs. She sings one that she wrote at the tender age of 16, about a disappointing parent. Sad. And the hazel eyes on the TV monitors above the stage are watching the audience the whole time. It’s just…creepy.

“Jesus Christ! They move!” Gigi exclaims.

“Do you think if they look at us we’ll die?” Shakira says with fear. Just in case, she slams the rest of her Shiner Bock. Might as well die tipsy.

Shakira goes to refill the beers and discovers to her extreme horror that the beer stands have closed. WTF? How are she and Gigi supposed to get through these sappy songs? She returns to her seat to find Kelly has put on a freaky Gone With the Wind wedding dress. The video for the song “Hazel Eyes” plays in the background—apparently that is where the wedding dress comes in. Huh? Does she die? Is she dreaming? And why, for the love of God, is Kelly still barefoot? Kelly, do you hate shoes? Shoes are your friend.

Kelly brings out her new assistant “Patrick.” He’s won a contest on MTV to tag along on her tour and assist her with various tasks. Kelly assigns him to pump up the crowd during “Since You’ve Been Gone.” The G&S girls love this song! And they love Patrick! What a hottie! He hops around and raises the roof while Kelly belts it out. Wheee!

What a fine ending. Who wants a cocktail at DeVille? Maybe Kelly will show up! The G&S girls exit the building, cursing the girls who snagged 10 samples each of the free Gillette razors. What do pre-pubescent girls need with razors, anyway? At least the G&S girls are old enough to keep drinking!