Karaoke Sushi

It’s just a little unassuming Korean restaurant down south. There are only about ten tables. The stage is a spot of floor in front of dining and drinking patrons. No one would think Seoul turns into a nighttime hotspot each Monday night, courtesy of DK, who is also Gorgeous and Sassy’s Hottie of the Month! DK, dressed in polyester, sunglasses and a huge Afro wig (at least the G&S girls think it’s a wig) puts on his own comedy routine. Don’t bring the kids unless you want them to learn a whole new vocabulary of filthy words. Even the G&S girls are slightly aghast—and yet intrigued.

The group (Gigi, LP, Shakira, Killa Gorilla and her hunky boyfriend Atomic) arrive early to get a jump on their cocktails. No one’s singing without alkeehal flowing through the veins! Five Kirin Lights, and keep ‘em coming! Shakira admits to being terrified. If DK doesn’t like what you sing, you get gonged. It looks humiliating. Alternatively, if you don’t sing, he says embarrassing (and dirty) things about you over the mike. There’s no way to win at DK’s Place of Shame.

Gigi looks through a song book and suggests “Sexual Healing” for the girls to sing together.

“Let’s not sing something that invites him to be lewd,” says Killa Gorilla. Good point. Gigi keeps searching.

“How about ‘Jesus Loves Me?’” Gigi asks. No one wants to know what DK would say about that choice. Gross.

Since DK is verbally harassing the guests about singing, LP volunteers to go first. His selection: “I Want You to Want Me.” He’s just getting into it when the gong sounds ominously behind him. Poor LP. He looks sad.

“I was just getting to the good part!” he protests to no avail.

“Sake bomb for me! Sake bomb for him!” DK yells. Sake bombs are the consolation prize. There’s no telling how many DK drinks in one night. How is he not dead? the girls wonder.

“Aw, fuck, this polyester’s hot.” DK lets loose with a string of expletives. “Can one of you find a fuckin’ song? Because I’m gonna get bored here in a second. Sake bomb for me!” He downs another shot of sake dropped into a beer. Quite possibly the most disgusting drink ever.

The G&S table is brave. Killa Gorilla sings next: “Tainted Love.” She gets gonged, partially because she can’t see the TV. Someone gives her an optometrist’s card. Sake bombs dull the pain!

“Mmm warm hairspray,” Killa Gorilla observes.

Killa Gorilla will not be thwarted. She next attempts “Livin’ on a Prayer” and gets gonged. But the whole bar erupts into the song. It’s awesome. Even though DK yells at everyone to shut the fuck up, they just keep singing. It’s like a mutiny! And then sake bombs for everyone!
A group of Faux Lesbians is all up on DK’s jock. Funny that the lesbians are trying to get some man love. Well, DK is the Hottie of the Month. Even hard for lesbians to resist! One of the Fauxs does a Shania Twain song. Shakira hates Shania Twain for some reason. And why is a lesbian singing “Any Man of Mine?” Get your story straight, girl.

After the sake bombs, Shakira downs her Kirin Light and decides it’s time to strut her stuff. She’s got one song: “I Will Survive.” Isn’t that the Gorgeous and Sassy theme song? Oh yeah. Shakira belts it out while LP enthuses that she sounds like a professional. And mercifully, she doesn’t get gonged and completes the song while DK smacks her ass. She still gets a sake bomb and then she gets some extra attention from DK.

He says that if he has an erection problem then he just wants to lie on Shakira’s boobs. He goes on a long monologue praising them, causing every man in the bar to ogle Shakira’s chest. Hey, how come the “lesbians” aren’t ogling? Jealous much? He has also nicknamed her “Tits.”

“That’s Tits McGee to you!” she replies. She thinks about running away to join American Idol.

“I’m the judge, I’m the pimp, I’m the king, I’m everything,” DK announces. Uh-oh, who’s the next victim? Everyone is spared for a moment while DK goes outside to pee on the seat of some guy’s convertible. That’s what happens when DK is displeased. Quick, someone find a song!

A variety of singers take the stage one after another. Gong, gong, gong. Sake bomb, sake bomb, sake bomb. Shakira spies a Nurse Egon doppelganger sitting next to her. What’s in these Kirin Lights, anyway? Please tell her she’s hallucinating. And then Gigi saunters up to the mike. It’s time for “Hit Me With Your Best Shot”—another Gorgeous and Sassy favorite. DK takes advantage of Gigi’s proximity and snuggles right up to her.

“Look at this Playboy bunny!” he exclaims, tugging on her hair. “You very ‘libarian’-looking.” DK must get smarter with every sake bomb! Good call, DK! Then he looks over at LP and asks if he’s dating every girl in the bar. “You da man!” he proclaims.

Gigi gets gonged halfway through her song. Damn, so close! But the sake bomb soothes her wounded pride. Uh-oh, here come the Faux Lesbians again. Gigi runs for her seat. The Fauxs keep walking around without shoes. What—are they channeling Britney?

DK offers to drive anyone home who is intoxicated with “the crazy water. I don’t want anything to happen to you fuckers.” Aw, how touching! DK really cares. “Did I drink my sake bomb yet?” DK asks, stumbling around the stage.

It’s time for the closing number and LP steps up the challenge. He’s fairly confident the last singer doesn’t get gonged. He dedicates the song to Gigi. Gigi is all broken up. It’s so sweet—the Bon Jovi. That’s right! It’s “You Give Love a Bad Name!” Yet another song on the Gorgeous and Sassy soundtrack. The whole bar sings along with LP. Faux Lesbian White annoys the gang.

“You’re good!” she says to LP. Oh thanks, Faux Lesbian White. Since you totally SUCKED, your opinion is so valid. LP needs no vote of confidence as he brings the house down. Sadly, DK is nowhere to be found. Did he pass out somewhere? Perhaps in the bathroom? No matter. It’s the end of the night. What a successful adventure!

-Gigi and Shakira 06.20.05