Jeans Shopping Sucks

Okay, fashionistas, what the hell are you trying to pull? I’ve been searching for a pair of jeans that actually fits me for about three months now. Saturday I made yet another unsuccessful foray into the World of Denim. Here’s what I’ve discovered over the last few months:

(1) You cannot count on one size between stores. You are a 0, a 2, an 8, a 28, a 12. Who knows? Some base their sizes on the misses scale, some on the junior scale, some on the supposed size of your waist. But none of the jeans sit at your waist anymore. WTF?

(2) Bleach, rips, tears or uneven hems are defined as “detail.” Nice try, Lucky. What the hell does that mean? It’s detailed crap?

(3) Even men can be made to feel fat when buying jeans. This is complete BS. GWH tried on a pair of jeans and wondered if he needed a thong with them. Um, Guess? Guess what? We don’t want to see men’s ass cracks. That’s NOT sexy.

(4) Women’s jeans are not made for any woman with curves. I cannot get a pair of jeans over my butt to save my life. If it does fit over my butt, there’s a big gap between my butt and the jean. Is this why The Gap is called The Gap?

(5) Jeans cost entirely too much. They’re not even real denim anymore. They are pieces of fabric (quite possibly ripped or bleached to look like someone smacked your ass: see # 2 above) made out of cotton and spandex, they don’t really fit me right, and I’m expected to drop one hundred bucks on them? Please. That’s just insane. I have a mortgage to pay, people!

I call BS on this whole process and have decided to wear skirts, tights and knee-high boots throughout the winter. Look soon for my next article on trying to find a boot that doesn’t have a pointy toe that makes me look like a witch.

-Shakira 11.29.04