January Joiners

I think I've written about this one before but I just have to say it again.

Dear January Joiners,

You suck. No, seriously. It's hard enough to leave work, drive to the gym, find a parking space—which is no easy task!—change, and trudge out to the floor. I mean, I can't say I look forward to working out, but it is a pretty necessary part of my day. And when I put in all that effort and then every single machine is taken? I get pissed off.

I know. You're trying to change your life. I get it. You made this New Year's Resolution and blah blah blah. But perhaps Gold's Gym could institute some sort of policy in which people like me , who have been paying my dues literally and figuratively for three years , get to work out at those optimum hours between 5 and 7 p.m. It's ridiculous that you people are all over the place, looking at me like I'm the one who shouldn't be there. You don't recognize me? I think my monthly fees paid for that elliptical machine about a year ago. I should just take the damn thing home.

By the way, people, since you aren't a regular at the gym, and therefore don't know anything about the rules, let me remind you of something. Don't talk on your freakin' cell phone while you're on the floor. It's not my rule. It's Gold's Rule. Look it up. Seriously. Because when I'm trying to work out, concentrate, listen to the radio, watch the TV or read my book, almost nothing is more annoying than you squawking into your cell phone to be heard above said radio, TV or workout machine. It's like you're completely unaware that other people are around and might not want to hear about your plans for Friday, or how the recent rain and dead birds are predictors of the Apocalypse, or who is getting it on with your sister's best friend's roommate.

So please stay out of my way, put down your phone, and kindly step off the elliptical.

Love and hugs,
Shakira

-01.22.07