Thanks for Another Miserable Shopping Experience!

Oh how I hate Wal Mart. It's a deep, deep loathing. I am able to avoid that fucking hellmouth for years at a time, and then somehow my hate fades and I consider the possibility that things might have changed there. I think, "Oh, hey, there's a Wal Mart! It's not so bad. I'll just stop in and pick up the items I need." But I am a fool. Things don't change at Wal Mart. And you can never "just stop in."

Wal Mart is the tricky, abusive, trailer trash boyfriend of stores. It looks so nice and unpretentious on the outside. So inviting. It's saying, "Hey baby, come back to me. You know I've got what you need. I'm gonna be so good to you." And you start to believe the sweet talk. But Wal Mart is hiding a mean streak. You feel dirty and worn out after spending time there. Your self esteem is low and you look haggard. It's probably the bad lighting and crowds of ugly people with their screaming children. I feel you, kids. Wal Mart is sucking away our souls.

I admit, I am biased against Wal Mart. My hate began when I was thirteen and a sleazy Wal Mart employee rubbed up against me and grabbed my ass in one of the aisles. How fucking gross is that? While I know that this wasn't necessarily Wal Mart's fault, I always associate the sweet, somewhat chemical Wal Mart aroma with sexual harassment. So the sense memory contributes to my unhappiness. But Wal Mart always finds new and inventive ways to make me even more unhappy with each visit.

So why do I ever go to there? It's always out of desperation. As we all know, desperation seldom leads you to anything worthwhile. On Sunday night I was desperate to get a new foam egg crate mattress cover for my bed because a hateful cat took a big fat dump on mine, then peed on it for good measure. Fucking cat. I blame you.

I went to Target and they did not have what I needed. Target is the passive-agressive, emotionally manipulative girlfriend of stores...but that's another article. So I braved the Wal Mart. Ugh. It took me over an hour to get out of there and it made me nauseous. Still I felt ok about my visit because I came out with a new egg crate and a new pillow...and I even splurged on a new radio/cd player 'cause it was only $25! What a bargain! Or so I thought.

Let us now reflect on the inferior quality of items purchased at Wal Mart. My egg crate was not the comfy, foam, cloudlike fabulousness that was pictured on the packaging. Over half of it was completely flat and the whole thing was useless. And the cd player? Worked for one fucking day. Now it no longer plays cds. WHAT A PIECE OF SHIT!!! So far the pillow seems ok. But it's probably made of asbestos and will kill me little by little as I sleep over the next ten years.

So now I have to go back there and return that shit. Fucking hell. I HATE YOU WAL MART.

-Gigi 07.13.04