Four Things I Heard from a Guy at the Gym

This guy at the gym asked me out the other day. I applaud his courage, because, well, you guys are always talking about how we girls shoot you down for no good reason. Trust me, there are reasons. Here are a couple of things that definitely don’t work.

I never ask girls out at the gym because I know how annoying it is. Okay, this is one of two things. Either a lie, because you’re doing it right now, or you’re really annoying because you’re doing exactly what your girl friends told you not to do.

I broke up with my last girlfriend because she was bi-polar. Dude, you sound like an insensitive asshole. Your ex-girlfriend had bi-polar disorder, for God’s sake. It’s something that’s pretty damn serious, and most likely, she doesn’t want you telling a strange girl about it. Keep it quiet, and just say it didn’t work out.

Oh, wow, I thought you were 24. Me? Oh, I’m 34. Okay, again, this is one of two things. You’re either lying to flatter me about how young I look, or you had no qualms about asking a girl out who is 10 years your junior. Come on, dude. You’re reaching.

If I saw you downtown, I’d recognize you because of your lips. I mean, that’s a compliment. No. Stop. Do not say anything about my lips. You just met me. Do not say you think they are beautiful or incredible or ask if they are real. Do not stare at them. If you must, say I have a beautiful smile. Any girl who has lips like mine got teased in junior high about them, and it was always related to a sexual act. I’ll let you figure out what I mean, but trust me, when I hear about them now, I’m thinking the reason hasn’t changed.

So, again, I’m flattered and unfortunately for Gym Boy, I’m taken. But he needs to work on his delivery…um, just a bit.

-Shakira 09.12.06