Sick of Hearing Let's Be Friends? Don't Use These Tips!

So what does "Myatt Murphy" the "expert" (who writes for such authoritative sources as Cosmo, Glamour and Maxim) have to say about guys getting sucked into the friend zone? Well let's see....

First of all, Myatt opens the "article" by informing us that these are "women-approved tips." What? Why weren't we consulted? Jackass.

Tip #1: Take control. Myatt thinks that guys get screwed...or don't get screwed because they are being "the nice guy" all the time and letting the ladies choose what to do and where to go. Well, this really depends. The G&S girls like a man with a plan, and nothing warms our hearts more than a thoughtful, creative date. However, "taking control" sounds a little scary. In his quest for control, will he try to order our food? Will everything seem so planned and non-spontaneous that we will feel like "insert girl" in his master dating plan? Gross.

Tip # 2: Meet her only when the sun drops. Myatt thinks the night time is the right time...for romance. He likes to get "romantical" after dark! Unless you're a vampire, that's just weird. And it's really weird to be a vampire. You're not going to get "friend" or "boyfriend" status there, Angel. Move on. We have to say, if you're only meeting us at night we might suspect that you're with your wife and kids during the day. Picnicking. Or something. A day date can be really romantic. Winery, anyone? Plus a lunch date gives a girl the chance to see what a suitor looks like sans beer goggles. Priceless.

Tip #3: Be her opposite. Myatt watched Jerry Maguire one too many times. He thinks that guys should "complete" a girl by thinking about what she likes and then try to like slightly different things. Um, fake much? Yeah, we love a guy who hates to read and wants to smoke the doobie all day while playing video games. We love him to DEATH. Die die die. Oops, sorry. Anyway, the "opposites attract" thing may be true for the initial attraction. But once we see your fat ass on our couch watching wrestling, it's so over. Take your pork rinds and get the hell out! We need to have things in common for love to blossom. Opposites should date other people.

Tip #4: Let your body speak for you. Please for the love of God, do NOT whip "it" out. Myatt doesn't necessarily condone the surprise unveiling of the willie, but we feel this needs to be stated explicitly. 'Cause this may have happened to a G&S girl on a date many years ago. We're just sayin'. So Myatt thinks you should, "let your eyes linger on her mouth every few minutes" because "it subtly signals that you're thinking about kissing her, which may well make her think about kissing you." Or it signals that you're picturing her mouth on your.... Yeah. Just don't do that. Creepy.

Tip # 5: Don't be her shrink. Well Myatt is sort of right about this one. If she's asking you for advice on other guys, it's not happenin'. But it's really too late by the time she approaches you in this way. She already sees you as a friend. You may as well give her advice so that you can hang out with her to gather material for your playlist. (link to horatio)

Tip #6: Keep her talking. OK, what is the subject of this scintillating conversation? The stuff you don't have in common (see tip#3)? What she wants to do so you can override (see tip #1)? Or how about stuff you don't want to give her advice on (see tip #5)? Because that sounds promising! No, of course you're not headed for Friendville, buddy. You're headed for Siberia.

Tip #7: Never use the F-word. Myatt is so witty. He means FRIEND, silly. He literally wants guys to excise the word "friend" from conversation. Do not mention female friends, because then she'll think you want her to join your "friend posse." OK, what? Nobody wants to be associated with something as lame as a "friend posse." This is just weird. If you don't have any female friends, you are going to seem like you are either a) gay or b) a raging misogynist or c) a latent homosexual Republican. Who is pro-life and has a bitter love-hate relationship with his mommy. Ahem. Moving on...

Wow, Myatt. Were the women who "approved" this article in your "friend posse?" Because clearly they are just not into you. Hey guys, if a girl just wants to be your friend, the most attractive thing you can do is move on. There is virtually nothing you can do at that point to win a romance with her. You might get surprise sex, if she's really drunk and you are flagrantly disobeying tip #5. Not that that's happened to a Gorgeous and Sassy girl. Ahem.

Gigi and Shakira 10.31.05