BBQ at Fast Eddie's

I just couldn't leave Florida without attending a barbecue at Fast Eddie's! At least that's what my sister Zabi told me. Fast Eddie is Zabi's former neighbor and current friend, as she has recently moved from her suburban married home to her new swingin' bachelorette digs in the city.

"The food and company are fun and the liquor is always a-flowin' at Fast Eddie's house." she informed me.

"In!" I replied. See how she twists my arm?

Rumor has it that Fast Eddie hangs with a couple known as 'The Switchers'. The friendly Mr. Switcher likes to pepper his conversation with anecdotes about 'the lifestyle', which is how he sneaks in the fact that he polyamorous. Which is my fancy librarian way of saying that the dude swings. Conveniently, so does his wife. I guess there's someone for everyone...and many someones for some someones, besides their special someone, of course.

Swingers are fascinating, yet repulsive to me in that excessively hairy, 70s porn sort of way. You know what I mean? Probably not. Whatever. Anyway, The Switchers were out of town and would not be attending the barbecue, much to my relief (and slight disappointment). Fast Eddie's hot tub was also broken. Coincidence? You decide.

Zabi and I were a little worse for the wear, as we had been up until the wee hours of the previous night due to our ranting, drinking of pina coladas and debating of the cast of the as-yet-untitled Lifetime movie of our childhood.

Zabi: "That guy who plays J.R. Ewing? He's so Dad."

Gigi: "Scarily true. And Mom is a combination of both Cagney AND Lacey."

Zabi: "Ooh, how will we decide?"

Gigi: "I don't know. Let's think about it while we have another pina colada."

Zabi: "I'm firing up the blender! By the way, this is the most useful appliance I've acquired since becoming single."

Gigi: "Wait 'til Christmas. Mom's surely gonna give you the post-divorce Crock Pot for ONE. With a cookbook for ONE, featuring recipes for stews made with one carrot, half a potato and cat food. To eat at your lonely table. For ONE."

Zabi: "Ah yes, the traditional Welcome to Spinsterhood gift. Thanks, Mom!"

Gigi: "I still have mine. In it's unopened box. It made me suicidal..."

Zabi: "Yeah, a post-divorce blender is way more upbeat. Now drink your pina colada and help me think of someone cute enough to play me."

Casting ourselves took a whole lot of brain power and several more pina coladas. So we were tired when we got to Fast Eddie's. But not too tired to bring him a lovely host's gift. Nobody ever said we were bad guests. Well, some may have said it, but it was not due to our negligence in gifting.

Fast Eddie's gift was a beautiful fishing trophy, complete with a big gold(-colored plastic) fish on top, that we found in a second-hand store. We thoughtfully personalized it with 'Best Catch - Fast Eddie', much to his delight.

By the time we got there, the other guests had already arrived. They were: A nice all-American couple (who probably aren't swingers), Starlet, her sister Lady D, and Timbo. Starlet's soon-to-be-ex, Lowball, was also briefly there - but the party really began when he left. Coincidence? You decide.

Zabi and I caught up on the conversation and wine consumption. We're troopers like that. And the food was really good. Zabi doesn't even particularly like fish, but she loved it at Fast Eddie's. Hey, Fast Eddie caught and subdued that fish himself! Then he cooked it. I'm surprised we didn't all go into food comas and fall asleep on his floor. Luckily, we had much wine to re-energize us and bring the conversation to new levels.

It turns out that Starlet and Lady D were raised as Mormons! Now there's something you don't hear every day. I'd always pictured Mormons as being prim, bland and well behaved. Not so, these girls. Damn, they are fun! After a few drinks they came up with a plan for helping Fast Eddie sell some sort of panic room/emergency shed/bomb shelter-type structures at a home show. Starlet has the ability to sell anything....especially if she has Lady D as her co-lure. Apparently the power of the hottie is able to reach even the most fanatical of the shut-in/Unabomber/conspiracy theorist population.

While the girls were talking business, Fast Eddie served up a concoction made of Red Bull and fruit infused vodka. It had a powerful and immediate effect on Timbo. He suddenly morphed into Uncle Pervy and began making random Tourette's-like utterances of "Gimme a lap dance!", "Threesome!!" and "I love boobies!!!" Wow. That was some strong drink.

We started a drunken debate about the value of education. Starlet felt that common sense and a head for business were the true ingredients of success. Zabi thought that education was equally, if not more important. Fast Eddie concurred, saying that he wanted his daughter to go to college and get a good education so that she would have more advantages in life. Timbo/Uncle Pervy did not completely agree.

"It's not like she's a mental genius or anything," he tactfully opined, "She's more of a socialite."

Zabi, Starlet and I laughed so hard at this that we nearly fell out of our chairs. Since the night couldn't get any funnier and it wasn't possible for us to get any drunker, we decided to call it a night. But Fast Eddie throws one hell of a party AND he's a talented fisherman and cook. He definitely deserved the trophy.


-Gigi 09.09.05