Why You Should Never Date Fabio

I just have to weigh in on this one, kids. So Larissa Meek made the obvious choice on the second installment of Average Joe: she picked the hot guy. And let me just say that this hot guy was only hot in comparison to the others, kind of like a certain lawyer six years ago at a certain law firm. Jarrett, you know who you are. I didn’t really think Gil was all that and a bag of chips. The guy didn’t even smile. Even when she picked him.

I can’t really fault her for her choice. The Average Joes? Well below average, in my opinion. And Brian, the Average Joe who made it to the final round, reminded me of Nurse Egon, except he was shorter. So I just couldn’t imagine kissing him. And that accent? Please. I mean, a little Boston accent is rather cute (read: Sean Penn, Mystic River, whom I mysteriously found attractive during this movie. Did I get old or something?) but Brian Worth could not put an “R” in a word. It was haaaaawible. And he worked for the Department of Homeland Security. Whaaaaat? So yeah. The fault was not with her choice at the end—it was the fact that she kept eliminating decent guys to get to these two cheeseballs. (Oh yeah, do not even get me started on number three…the guy with the depth of a puddle.)

The problem was the fact that Stupid Gil wigged out when she confessed to dating Fabio. Okay, it’s not something you want to shout from the rooftops. It’s pretty embarrassing. But anyone who’s checked out the X-boys page on this site can see that we all have some rather, ahem, poor choices in our pasts. So what? So she dated Fabio. She didn’t even have to cop to this, in my opinion. Does every guy I date need to know about the guys in my past? No. Hell no. And in true Fox fashion, we were led to believe that her secret was something really horrible. I had my money on a disease…my former boss thought she had a kid stashed somewhere. And THAT would have been awesome.

But…Fabio? Like I said, sure, it’s embarrassing. But why was Gil unable to accept this? Was he jealous? Was he intimidated and wondering how to measure up? Did he feel that he would have to grow his hair long, get a bad perm and start doing I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter commercials? I don’t understand, people. If some guy confessed to me that he dated Pamela Anderson at some pointm, first we’d go get tested for hepatitis. But then…well, what’s the problem? She’s his ex. She’s history. Whatever.

Dude, Gil, get a life. And Larissa? Call Brian who can’t pronounce his Rs and get some lovin’. Ewwww. Maybe not. Call me. We’ll do Girls’ Night.

-Shakira 03.04.04