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Vital
Statistics Name:
Nurse Egon
Height:
6'2"
Weight:
140 lbs.
Turn-ons:
Ultima Online, pizza
Turn-offs:
New experiences, romance, conversation with girlfriend
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Vital
Statistics
Name:
Vile Niles
Height:
5'6"
Weight:
195 lbs.
Turn-ons:
Britney Spears, dead languages, other women, basketball
Turn
offs: Social activities, kindness, romance |
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Vital
Statistics
Name:
Fratboy Slim
Height:
6'
Weight:
210 lbs.
Turn-ons:
Cocaine, swing dancing, public displays of affection
Turn-offs:
Lack of chemical stimulants, lack of audience |
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Vital
Statistics
Name:
The Sensitive Poet
Height:
5'11"
Weight:
185
Turn-ons:
Looking deep into non-girlfriend's eyes, passionate unannounced
visits to non-girlfirend's home at 3am, sending non-girlfriend
long lyrical letters
Turn-offs:
The hint of commitment, non-girlfriend calling him,
non-girlfriend suggesting date ideas, non-girlfriend's opinions |
 |
Vital
Statistics
Name:
Studly Do-Wrong
Height:
5'9"
Weight:
185
Turn-ons:
Bragging about his prowess, ripping off all of his clothing
in a mere 5 seconds, receiving oral sex, dissing girl-fling
to his friends
Turn-offs:
Girl-fling talking to him, trying to remember girl-fling's
name
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Vital
Statistics
Name:
Abraham Drinkin'
Height:
5'5"
Weight:
190
Turn-ons:
18 cheap beers in a four hour period, stalking, lacing girl-target's
alcoholic beverage with sedative and depositing her in his
bed, sexy post coital death threats, telling others that
girl-target is crazy
Turn-offs:
Girl-target looking at other men, Girl-target speaking
to other men, Being ignored by girl-target |
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Vital
Statistics
Name:
Young Ahhhh-nuld
Height:
5'10"
Weight:
200
Turn-ons:
Working out, talking about working out, flexing in mirror
Turn-offs:
Mirrorless rooms, nonsporting activities |
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Vital
Statistics
Name:
Thug Rat
Height:
5'10"
Weight:
150
Turn-ons:
Unemployment, beer, verbal abuse
Turn-offs:
Independent women, self improvement |
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Vital
Statistics
Name:
The Invisible Boyfriend
Height:
5'10"
Weight:
195
Turn-ons:
Buffy, Batman, Playstation 2
Turn-offs:
Interruptions to important videogame play, girlfriend |
 |
Vital
Statistics
Name:
Sad Eyes Turn the Other Way
Height:
5'9"
Weight:
170
Turn-ons:
Movies, making movies, talking about movies, pining, whining
Turn-offs:
Commitment, talking about feelings, sexual experimentation |
 |
Vital
Statistics
Name:
Puppy Dog Eyes
Height:
5'8"
Weight:
165
Turn-ons:
Japanimation, Cartoon Network, smokin' the doobie and listening
to Primus over and over and over.....
Turn-offs:
Getting off the couch, driving well, buying new t-shirts |
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Vital
Statistics
Name:
Ugly Duckling
Height:
6'3"
Weight:
175
Turn-ons:
Dramatic emails, pretending to have "heavy plans,"
conquering EverQuest, smoking the doobie
Turn-offs:
Girls who don't smoke the doobie, being social with
girlfriends' friends, maturity |
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Vital
Statistics
Name:
St. Val
Height:
5'9"
Weight:
150
Turn-ons:
Catholicism, virginal women, trying get girlfriend to sleep
with him...while feeling very guilty
Turn-offs:
Girlfriend, after she sleeps with him |
 |
Vital
Statistics
Name:
Inspector Gadget
Height:
5'8"
Weight:
150
Turn-ons:
Fumbling drunkenly in bed trying to find The Spot, Adidas
sneakers, T-shirts with stupid sayings
Turn-offs:
Having a phone, getting home safely, protecting girlfriend
from leering stares of best friend |
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Vital
Statistics
Name:
Grisham
Height:
6'2"
Weight:
200
Turn-ons:
Suck and press kissing, arguing, fruity liquer, ugly cars
Turn-offs:
Communication, public displays of affection |
 |
Vital
Statistics
Name:
Wussy Barrett Browning
Height:
5'10"
Weight:
165
Turn-ons:
Long poetic e-mails about staring into e-mail girlfriend's
eyes, Dallas Cowboys, video games
Turn-offs:
Actually seeing e-mail girlfriend in person, keeping
promises |
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Vital
Statistics
Name:
Big Lie
Height:
6'4"
Weight:
265+
Turn-ons:
Mom's home cooking, Mom's back rubs, rubbing Mom's feet,
porn
Turn-offs:
Intimacy, honesty, living in reality |
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